Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s not gonna get full custody. I was in a similar position as you and it was 50/50, despite my ex trying to use unemployment and meds against me.

What are your marketable skills?

I have some really long-term niche engineering skills that don't translate well into anything else (exotic materials, basically, think rockets and jet engines). Have been looking for backup jobs since the pandemic started - nothing. I know grocery stores are hiring, but I can barely move off the couch. I know. Do what needs to be done. But it feeds into his narrative.

I also had postpartum OCD with my youngest, and DH knows I was afraid of hurting the baby. It's classic OCD, but he's said he'll use it to prove the kids are in danger.

Exotic or rare earth materials, special aerospace/energetic materials are pretty hot in demand. Look at the agency of DLA Strategic Materials and the support contractors like Alion Science, IDA, Deloitte, etc and they should have a position that fits your background. Good SMEs/engineers in this area are hard to come by. I don't know how to message you here but you could if there is a way you figure that out.

I bet he wouldn't actually want the kids full time. He's just threatening to get you to stay or to emotionally abuse you some more. He won't get them full time. If you are unemployed he'll have to pay you spousal support. Just sit tight. It takes a year to separate anyway. Talk to a lawyer or read up on the laws in your state. Divorce is not an emergency. Consider getting career counseling.

Anonymous wrote:Married 13 years, two kids, 2 and 4. I had a hard time adjusting to marriage, now I'm having a hard time adjusting to job loss and becoming a SAHM. I am severely depressed over losing my job and on meds/in therapy. I'm trying, but I'm a failure as a wife and mother.

Husband has been emotionally abusive since the honeymoon. I won't give examples, only will say it took me a long time to accept it.

It's unlikely I'll find another job right now, and DH has threatened to ask for full custody if I leave. Mentally ill, unemployed mother - yeah, he'll get it.

Would you stay? I'll never see the kids again if I leave, but I'm at the end of my rope.

You aren't the failure HE is the failure. Start picking yourself up little by little. Get a new job and plan all the steps necessary to get away from him. When someone is nasty to you day in and day out you start to believe it. Get some therapy to understand why you stay with this guy. He even has you convinced he'll get custody - you must know that's not true. Get yourself in a good place starting right away.

Do you have a sibling, friend or parent you can confide in? A others have said, don’t reveal too much to your husband- he’ll only use it against you.
And open up a secret bank account and put a little bit in there every week.

You most likely won’t ever leave. So find coping mechanisms.

You said you had problems since the honeymoon but you went on to have two children. Bad decision. Again, you won’t ever leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s not gonna get full custody. I was in a similar position as you and it was 50/50, despite my ex trying to use unemployment and meds against me.

What are your marketable skills?

Same, I stayed and am now 10 years into your future. It doesn’t get better and kids don’t like home life. Professional husband repeatedly announces he’s leaving at 18. Should have been strong and seek a new happy life sooner.

I stayed 10 years with my ex. I planned my escape for about 5 I would say. He had the much better job and benefits so I had to be realistic about that. I'm glad I did because I ended up with the home, but not all situations are the same. After we bought our home he decided two years later we would live overseas because his job had a opening. Whenever I protested he would threaten divorce. He would always say my degree was worthless, his was a great degree and other abusive comments. Finally I told him zero common sense isn't going to get him anywhere. Turns out I was right. It was great getting away from him. He ended up dying because he chose not to get a genetic test after his sibling tested positive.

Anonymous wrote:He’s not gonna get full custody. I was in a similar position as you and it was 50/50, despite my ex trying to use unemployment and meds against me.

What are your marketable skills?

Same, I stayed and am now 10 years into your future. It doesn’t get better and kids don’t like home life. Professional husband repeatedly announces he’s leaving at 18. Should have been strong and seek a new happy life sooner.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to disparage your advice but please do not minimize or discount emotional abuse as “mean words”. It’s much more insidiously destructive - and real- with potentially devestating consequences.

-survivor

so true. I am also a survivor. OP, are you seeing a counselor? You can do that via telemedicine during the pandemic. Your health insurance should pay for part. Your DH cannot use it against you in custody if you are seeing a psychiatrist and/or counselor. You need a professional individual counselor (individual not marital) on a weekly basis to take care of yourself -- help you deal with your depression from job loss and strategize about new work, help you deal with any postpartum depression (even if you now feel "over" it), and most importantly learn how to withstand the emotional abuse and plan for divorce and independence.

IMO, you should pretty much "grey rock" your spouse. You cannot rationalize an abuser into stopping the abuse. Do not engage him. Do not tell him what he is doing wrong or how you would like things to go. Do not speak with him any more about divorce. He has no input into your decision on that, so why are you even discussing? Just take care of yourself, seek counseling and legal representation. Get yourself organized and file and leave when you feel ready. Simply grey rock him until then -- interact politely with him, but do not go out of your way to spend time with him or respond in any meaningful way to his abuse. (Next time he tells you, you are a bad mom, simply say "hmm" or "interesting" or "input noted" and walk away.

You owe an abuser nothing. You owe it to your kids to leave when the time is right.

I know you are really down about your job prospects, but keep trying. It's embarrassing to be unemployed (although it shouldn't be) but let your friends now you are looking for work. Consider alternative training (can you teach?) or admin work or government work.

He won't get full custody and you will see your kids. Your kids don't want to see you being abused I promise you. I was the kid who watched my mother being abused and begged her every day to leave my father.
It's ok to share the kids- both get a break and seeing them is twice the joy. Get a job, get a lawyer, do not take kids out of the house. You both will end up sharing them and you don't have to live with the jerk anymore.
Your kids are young enough to get used to 2 homes. Mine was under 2 when I moved out because of abuse and he wouldn't even know that he is supposed to be sad about his parents not living together.