Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t pitch in because that’s just a bandaid. Clearly mom shouldn’t be home alone and they need to realize that sooner rather than later. I realize no one wants to pay, but that’s what your parents saved for 30 years to be able to do. Then need to dip into her retirement. Is she getting social security?

+1

If your dad was retiring in 6 months, I'd be more on your side, OP, but this is going to get worse, likely quickly, not better, and this is not going to be tenable for 3 years. Someone who is so confused that they don't understand that the people in their house are home health aids is not long for being able to be alone for four hour stretches. Probably already shouldn't be. So what's the plan when that happens?

Meanwhile, your post conflates two things. You talk about rearranging your schedules so "we" can check in on mom, and the costs associated with this change. If your wife objects to the costs, assuming they're not crazy and you guys aren't broke, I can understand why you're frustrated. A small increase in child care costs, an extra five hours a week, is worth it to make sure your mother is taken care of. But your use of "we" is confusing - who do you expect to do the actual checking in on your mom? You or your wife? Presumably only one of you has to do this, and it should be you. It's your mom, NOT your wife's mom. If she's balking at taking on caregiver responsibilities herself, I am 100% team wife on this.

Anonymous wrote:"Pitch in" is a red flag here. That's the language of devaluing someone's labor. What you really mean is that your wife refuses to leave work twice a week to do something for free for you. Lots of bosses like to ask people to 'pitch in' by staying late, working weekends, etc. The phrase "pitch in" is usually used by people who are used to being in charge, who like to boss others around, and who don't actually think of other people's wants and needs as being as important as their own.

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

The dad is still alive, so there won't be an inheritance. And also, inheritance is not joint property.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t pitch in because that’s just a bandaid. Clearly mom shouldn’t be home alone and they need to realize that sooner rather than later. I realize no one wants to pay, but that’s what your parents saved for 30 years to be able to do. Then need to dip into her retirement. Is she getting social security?

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't see why you guys should be redirecting funds that could go to your own retirement so that your FIL can have a higher pension.

I'm also confused - where do you live? Is there no covid there? If you are going into work and not quaranting, you should not be around your sick and elderly mother. It's better to let her sundown for an hour or so than it is to expose her to covid.