Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds high? did she NOT own a home when she moved there.

My mom lives in one of these communities but that is way more than she pays.

The $4K should cover it.

Where? In Kansas? Round the clock care for my friend’s grandmother was close to $180,000 a year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the retirement communities have put these measurements in place to protect their vulnerable residents. They have pretty much all suspended social activities, outings, dining room operations, most entertainment.

If your MIL is paying 9K/month for "assisted living" and the only thing that they assist her with is room service then that cost does seem really high. If she's there because she needs help with medication, dressing, bathing, etc then the 9K makes a bit more sense. If she's there because it gives you all piece of mind that she is checked on 3 times a day, that makes sense.

I think that having a vulnerable, elderly person living in your home right now would be especially difficult. I've heard some horror stories about home healthcare workers not showing up or being impossible to find. That probably isn't something that your SIL factored in when she was speaking of your MIL moving in with her. Is she willing to put her life on hold, never go on vacation and provide heavy duty physical assistance to your MIL for potentially years to come?

Personally, I don't think that I could ask a member of my family to make a sacrifice like that nor do I think it would necessarily be in the best interests of the parent. At the same time, I completely understand how paying 2K a month out of your own pocket for your MIL's care (nearly 10K total) when she's really not getting much more than room service would be hard to justify.

Caring for someone at home is really challenging in general, and even more so during this pandemic. Most of these people work other jobs, including inside healthcare facilities, so they are potentially bringing the virus with them. And right now there are many home health workers calling out sick.

My friend is caring for his mother at home. She has Alzheimer's and it has been horrible (even absent the pandemic) to coordinate her care and he has had challenges especially recently with people calling out and also with workers who can't deal with someone with dementia and call him to come home from work daily because of various emergencies.

Also, a lot of the home health workers cannot move someone who is larger by themselves; many of them are smaller women who cannot lift someone without help.

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps y’all could find a less high-end facility that would work for her in the same area?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. The assisted living facility is barely one. There is no 'next step' in the facility for when MIL needs extensive additional care.

The $2500 additional monthly expenses are the $25 hourly charge for any additional help which she needs a few times a year for several weeks, dental bills, medical copays, supplies for her 2BD apartment within the facility, prescription copays including full pay at certain times of the year, and she likes to keep some food in her fridge for when the delivered meals are not to her liking.

Yes, it's a bit high I agree. Could revisit those expenses again but don't want my MIL to feel that she is being nickeled and dimed.

Mostly I am super annoyed at my BIL. When my FIL died, he sort of ran over all of us and moved my MIL into this most expensive facility. We felt is was too expensive based on the money/income she had. But BIL is a big shot and SWORE he would cover it if/when it came to that. After several years, he decided he no longer wanted to cover it. DH and I committed to the $2K a month to keep the peace and MIL was happy -- but this was all pre-covid.

In reading everyone's response I think it is better if I just leave it alone. I doubt the sister really wants to be the primary caregiver and moving MIL into a nearby apartment while less expensive is not going to be easy to set up and if MIL's facility does open up a bit more -- we will regret having moved her.

My MIL lives in Palm Desert; my SIL in Beverly Hills; and we (DH and I) live in Colorado.

I like most am worried about money. We did tell the BIL that if my DH loses his job we will no longer be able to pay the monthly $2K.

HI OP,

Thanks for the update. Sometimes with senior care it is best to just coast where you are at.

I read all of the other comments, two I think you should consider.

1. One reader said approach for discount due to job loss. I would definitely try this. Facilities don't want empty units and everything is negotiable. They don't want anyone to move out.
2. Does the facility have a one bedroom or efficiency unit? If so are they available? Prices will be a lot cheaper at a 1 bedroom or efficiency unit. People change units at these places all the time for various reasons.

+1

Your brother sounds like a PITA control freak, which really makes a tough situation worse. Sorry you are going through this, OP. That is a LOT of money. The issue is, if your mom moves, someone will have to take care of her......

FWIW, my friends mom is at Vinson Hall (McLean) which mostly houses military officers' wives - if you think they are catty, you are probably right. Which is funny, considering. They are not very nice to each other, and you are right, they are basically prisoners in one room, right now. Pre COVID, they had a few activities (pool, dinner, etc.) - but really, most people can get out and do that on their own, unless they are almost infirm. Her life, for the most part, would be better with one of her daughters, to whom she is supposedly close - but they don't want to take her in, apparently.

So, you are not alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. The assisted living facility is barely one. There is no 'next step' in the facility for when MIL needs extensive additional care.

The $2500 additional monthly expenses are the $25 hourly charge for any additional help which she needs a few times a year for several weeks, dental bills, medical copays, supplies for her 2BD apartment within the facility, prescription copays including full pay at certain times of the year, and she likes to keep some food in her fridge for when the delivered meals are not to her liking.

Yes, it's a bit high I agree. Could revisit those expenses again but don't want my MIL to feel that she is being nickeled and dimed.

Mostly I am super annoyed at my BIL. When my FIL died, he sort of ran over all of us and moved my MIL into this most expensive facility. We felt is was too expensive based on the money/income she had. But BIL is a big shot and SWORE he would cover it if/when it came to that. After several years, he decided he no longer wanted to cover it. DH and I committed to the $2K a month to keep the peace and MIL was happy -- but this was all pre-covid.

In reading everyone's response I think it is better if I just leave it alone. I doubt the sister really wants to be the primary caregiver and moving MIL into a nearby apartment while less expensive is not going to be easy to set up and if MIL's facility does open up a bit more -- we will regret having moved her.

My MIL lives in Palm Desert; my SIL in Beverly Hills; and we (DH and I) live in Colorado.

I like most am worried about money. We did tell the BIL that if my DH loses his job we will no longer be able to pay the monthly $2K.

HI OP,

Thanks for the update. Sometimes with senior care it is best to just coast where you are at.

I read all of the other comments, two I think you should consider.

1. One reader said approach for discount due to job loss. I would definitely try this. Facilities don't want empty units and everything is negotiable. They don't want anyone to move out.
2. Does the facility have a one bedroom or efficiency unit? If so are they available? Prices will be a lot cheaper at a 1 bedroom or efficiency unit. People change units at these places all the time for various reasons.

Anonymous wrote:Why does she need a 2 bedroom. Can you see about downgrading her to a one bedroom?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. The assisted living facility is barely one. There is no 'next step' in the facility for when MIL needs extensive additional care.

The $2500 additional monthly expenses are the $25 hourly charge for any additional help which she needs a few times a year for several weeks, dental bills, medical copays, supplies for her 2BD apartment within the facility, prescription copays including full pay at certain times of the year, and she likes to keep some food in her fridge for when the delivered meals are not to her liking.

Yes, it's a bit high I agree. Could revisit those expenses again but don't want my MIL to feel that she is being nickeled and dimed.

Mostly I am super annoyed at my BIL. When my FIL died, he sort of ran over all of us and moved my MIL into this most expensive facility. We felt is was too expensive based on the money/income she had. But BIL is a big shot and SWORE he would cover it if/when it came to that. After several years, he decided he no longer wanted to cover it. DH and I committed to the $2K a month to keep the peace and MIL was happy -- but this was all pre-covid.

In reading everyone's response I think it is better if I just leave it alone. I doubt the sister really wants to be the primary caregiver and moving MIL into a nearby apartment while less expensive is not going to be easy to set up and if MIL's facility does open up a bit more -- we will regret having moved her.

My MIL lives in Palm Desert; my SIL in Beverly Hills; and we (DH and I) live in Colorado.

I like most am worried about money. We did tell the BIL that if my DH loses his job we will no longer be able to pay the monthly $2K.

Anonymous wrote:All of the retirement communities have put these measurements in place to protect their vulnerable residents. They have pretty much all suspended social activities, outings, dining room operations, most entertainment.

If your MIL is paying 9K/month for "assisted living" and the only thing that they assist her with is room service then that cost does seem really high. If she's there because she needs help with medication, dressing, bathing, etc then the 9K makes a bit more sense. If she's there because it gives you all piece of mind that she is checked on 3 times a day, that makes sense.

I think that having a vulnerable, elderly person living in your home right now would be especially difficult. I've heard some horror stories about home healthcare workers not showing up or being impossible to find. That probably isn't something that your SIL factored in when she was speaking of your MIL moving in with her. Is she willing to put her life on hold, never go on vacation and provide heavy duty physical assistance to your MIL for potentially years to come?

Personally, I don't think that I could ask a member of my family to make a sacrifice like that nor do I think it would necessarily be in the best interests of the parent. At the same time, I completely understand how paying 2K a month out of your own pocket for your MIL's care (nearly 10K total) when she's really not getting much more than room service would be hard to justify.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. The assisted living facility is barely one. There is no 'next step' in the facility for when MIL needs extensive additional care.

The $2500 additional monthly expenses are the $25 hourly charge for any additional help which she needs a few times a year for several weeks, dental bills, medical copays, supplies for her 2BD apartment within the facility, prescription copays including full pay at certain times of the year, and she likes to keep some food in her fridge for when the delivered meals are not to her liking.

Yes, it's a bit high I agree. Could revisit those expenses again but don't want my MIL to feel that she is being nickeled and dimed.

Mostly I am super annoyed at my BIL. When my FIL died, he sort of ran over all of us and moved my MIL into this most expensive facility. We felt is was too expensive based on the money/income she had. But BIL is a big shot and SWORE he would cover it if/when it came to that. After several years, he decided he no longer wanted to cover it. DH and I committed to the $2K a month to keep the peace and MIL was happy -- but this was all pre-covid.

In reading everyone's response I think it is better if I just leave it alone. I doubt the sister really wants to be the primary caregiver and moving MIL into a nearby apartment while less expensive is not going to be easy to set up and if MIL's facility does open up a bit more -- we will regret having moved her.

My MIL lives in Palm Desert; my SIL in Beverly Hills; and we (DH and I) live in Colorado.

I like most am worried about money. We did tell the BIL that if my DH loses his job we will no longer be able to pay the monthly $2K.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds high? did she NOT own a home when she moved there.

My mom lives in one of these communities but that is way more than she pays.

The $4K should cover it.

Where? In Kansas? Round the clock care for my friend’s grandmother was close to $180,000 a year.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. The assisted living facility is barely one. There is no 'next step' in the facility for when MIL needs extensive additional care.

The $2500 additional monthly expenses are the $25 hourly charge for any additional help which she needs a few times a year for several weeks, dental bills, medical copays, supplies for her 2BD apartment within the facility, prescription copays including full pay at certain times of the year, and she likes to keep some food in her fridge for when the delivered meals are not to her liking.

Yes, it's a bit high I agree. Could revisit those expenses again but don't want my MIL to feel that she is being nickeled and dimed.

Mostly I am super annoyed at my BIL. When my FIL died, he sort of ran over all of us and moved my MIL into this most expensive facility. We felt is was too expensive based on the money/income she had. But BIL is a big shot and SWORE he would cover it if/when it came to that. After several years, he decided he no longer wanted to cover it. DH and I committed to the $2K a month to keep the peace and MIL was happy -- but this was all pre-covid.

In reading everyone's response I think it is better if I just leave it alone. I doubt the sister really wants to be the primary caregiver and moving MIL into a nearby apartment while less expensive is not going to be easy to set up and if MIL's facility does open up a bit more -- we will regret having moved her.

My MIL lives in Palm Desert; my SIL in Beverly Hills; and we (DH and I) live in Colorado.

I like most am worried about money. We did tell the BIL that if my DH loses his job we will no longer be able to pay the monthly $2K.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does her foods and rent cost $6.5k but her monthly expenses are $9k?

The delta is usually care support with activities of daily living (dressing, bathing, assistance to bathroom, medication management, etc). Requires labor / care workers sometime multiple of them. This is what OP’s SIL would be assuming responsibility for. 24 hours a day 7 days a week... until someone dies.