DH requested to be friends with his ex. It kills me but he still loves her. We have a good marriage but the woman he married is not the woman he loved the most.

And he is still your boyfriend because.....?

Piling on. You should have DTMF the first time but it's not too late to fix that mistake. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

As someone who cheated, you did the right thing. Breaking NC with a former AP is selfish and showing disrespect to your current partner who has already given you a second chance. My d-day was over ten years ago and if I reached out in any way to my former AP my H would be livid, understandably so. These are challenging times but there are tons of other/healthier ways to cope instead of reaching out to former affair partners.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: it’s not like she was a one-night stand. He had a long relationship with this woman, and it took a LONG time for us to repair our relationship when I found out. I feel like him accepting her request is allowing her back into our lives. Its not like he decided to leave her because he felt bad...they got into an argument and she told me about their relationship. Otherwise, I would have never known....

This post says it all, OP. He did not feel guilty and come clean out of love for you; he would have continued the affair if she had not outed him.

Read that again: He would have continued the affair if he hadn't been outed. He had no intention of dropping her because cheating was wrong, cruel and immoral toward YOU; he only dropped her because he got outed to you. He got off on running two women at once.

The fact you took him back is water under the bridge but it's past time to kick him out. Have NO regrets. You already invested too much time in him. It is not at all an overreaction to end things because he had contact with her.

Please block him entirely. Do not respond to texts, calls, anything. If you have mutual friends who would tell you you are overreacting--dump them as friends because they do not have your best interests at heart. Do not cave in if he tries to win you back with "romantic" gestures or tears or "remember our good times" crap. If you were living together, get out immediately even if it costs you financially. I worry they you will start listening to friends or family who blather about how great he is, how hurt he is, etc. Don't. Get out and find new activities and double down on your truly supportive friends.

Anonymous wrote:My now BF cheated on his ex 3 times early in their 10 year relationship. She caught him at the time and he admitted to 1 out of 3. She later found the Facebook messages of the other two women while he was deployed and she divorced him when he returned. I respect the hell out of her for making that decision. If you cheat and are lucky enough to be forgiven, you’d better do everything you can to never make the other person feel insecure in that way again. You did the right thing.

Girl...

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thank you for the responses. This makes me feel better that I did the right thing. I do know it was extremely risky taking him back in the first place, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I am surprised at the complete disrespect and lack of boundaries, and that his comprehension of those things is non-existant.

OP, he already showed you this a long time ago so why are you surprised now? Stop focusing your efforts on trying to get him to understand what this means to you like you have for the past 2 years. He doesn't care. All you need to know is that he doesn't respect you. Come to terms with that today. You knew that years ago and now he's rubbing it in your face again. Stay away from him. Fix yourself.

that was the right move, albeit 2 years later than it should have been.

For the future: in the dating period, everything should be great: communication, respect, transparency, and sex! If there's abusive language, cheating, dishonesty, violence, poor/bad sex, disrespect or very poor conflict resolution skills, this is probably never going to get better and most likely worse. in general, whatever issues you have dating will be much worse (or at least more irritating) when married.

Of course, no one is perfect--someone who is messy, forgetful or occasionally does the wrong thing or acts selfishly? ok, if you can talk about it and try to come to compromise? but having an entire relationship behind your back? No way. And of all the things I think are most important, its trust--not just about other partners/cheating, but trust that your partner is there for you, that they say what they mean and mean what they say. Without trust, everything else is on quicksand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My now BF cheated on his ex 3 times early in their 10 year relationship. She caught him at the time and he admitted to 1 out of 3. She later found the Facebook messages of the other two women while he was deployed and she divorced him when he returned. I respect the hell out of her for making that decision. If you cheat and are lucky enough to be forgiven, you’d better do everything you can to never make the other person feel insecure in that way again. You did the right thing.

I’m just curious but why would you currently date someone who not only cheated but lied about how many times after being discovered? Why don’t you think he’ll do the same to you?

Because it's different this time! Plus, PP is hot and loves sex, so obviously he would never cheat on her.

Drop him. Done. Move on.

He will always cheat on you. If you are ok with that stay with him.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thank you for the responses. This makes me feel better that I did the right thing. I do know it was extremely risky taking him back in the first place, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I am surprised at the complete disrespect and lack of boundaries, and that his comprehension of those things is non-existant.

You deserve to be with someone who respects you and is faithful. It's worth holding out for and you have every right to expect those things. Stay strong.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thank you for the responses. This makes me feel better that I did the right thing. I do know it was extremely risky taking him back in the first place, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I am surprised at the complete disrespect and lack of boundaries, and that his comprehension of those things is non-existant.

Sis. It’s not non-existent. He knows it’s wrong, but is giving you the “aw, shucks” routine. Do not fall for it (again).

You definitely did the right thing. He showed you again that he lacks boundaries, and that will repeatedly affect your relationship. Basically, he still thinks like a cheater.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thank you for the responses. This makes me feel better that I did the right thing. I do know it was extremely risky taking him back in the first place, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I am surprised at the complete disrespect and lack of boundaries, and that his comprehension of those things is non-existant.

I'm a man and I know exactly why I would accept that friend request - not good. You did the right thing and should be thankful you found out now and not later, as others have suggested. Good luck OP.