Anonymous
Post 04/07/2020 00:05     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 22:56     Subject: SAHM struggles
Your husbands an asshole. You know it too. I am teleworking full time and Dh is on admin leave. I work 6-3:30 and then after bedtime. I take my lunch at 1 to put the kids to sleep and then they sleep until 3:30. Then I basically have the kids until dinner which Dh helps me with. Then I have them the rest of the night and put them to bed. Dh is working on remodeling our house, but I’m happy he’s working on something. But it’s still hard
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 22:45     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.


But OP has it really good, that’s what is frustrating people. Her DH doesn’t have to risk going to work as essential, they have a house spacious enough for a yard and an office, and he quits work by 630, which is very good for a breadwinner.

That’s why some are treating her bad, b/c she is being all woe is me with a very enviable situation


My dh is the “breadwinner” and he’s done at 3:30. He’s also been working from the kitchen when he has quiet stretches so he can help hold the baby or wipe a toddler bum. My kids are all under 3 but none have special needs and this situation is still hard for me. And dh. There is always a more enviable situation but there is NOTHING about OP’s situation that is easy. Even before this quarantine my heart would go out to OP managing 3 boys, one with severe special needs and a dh who is completely unavailable 50+ hours a week. Yikes. I hope you’re a troll and not this heartless of a person.


Not a troll, but OP needs to realize just how good she has it right now, things could be way way worse, and a priority right now is making sure DHs job is secure.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 22:43     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.


But OP has it really good, that’s what is frustrating people. Her DH doesn’t have to risk going to work as essential, they have a house spacious enough for a yard and an office, and he quits work by 630, which is very good for a breadwinner.

That’s why some are treating her bad, b/c she is being all woe is me with a very enviable situation


Our house and yard are not large. DH makes $110k a year and his office is in our tiny bedroom. Yes, we are fortunate he is not essential. If he were, he would have to stay elsewhere as out son’s asthma makes him very high risk.


Honestly, in this scenario, I would be even more mindful not to disrupt your DHs job, as what kind of cushion do you have if you lose it? Some jobs, especially lower paid ones are WAY less flexible and micromanaged than higher paid roles (I make less than my spouse and have way less flexibility).

But it doesn't change the fact that you have a yard, I can't imagine its less than 20x10 ft, which is a great space for practicing baseball throws or football spirals or lacross sticks or mini golf or bocce or cornhole. We can't fit a desk in our bedroom, so I work at kitchen table but thankfully I do mostly document production so don't have to worry about noise.

Try to appreciate what you do have. How exactly does summer work for you? DH at work, are there autistic summer camps? I really don't know?
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 22:12     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Op,

You have my absolute sympathy. If your dh can telework, he probably has some flexibility. He may be on the spectrum himself and has a hard time seeing your perspective. He over reacted hearing you complain. So if you need to vent, do so when he can’t hear you. Go to your car when the kids are in bed and talk to a friend.

Your husband is avoiding the reality of having kids. He’s using work to shirk parenting duties. Talk to him and be specific. He needs to do x, y, z. You matter too.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 21:43     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.


But OP has it really good, that’s what is frustrating people. Her DH doesn’t have to risk going to work as essential, they have a house spacious enough for a yard and an office, and he quits work by 630, which is very good for a breadwinner.

That’s why some are treating her bad, b/c she is being all woe is me with a very enviable situation


My dh is the “breadwinner” and he’s done at 3:30. He’s also been working from the kitchen when he has quiet stretches so he can help hold the baby or wipe a toddler bum. My kids are all under 3 but none have special needs and this situation is still hard for me. And dh. There is always a more enviable situation but there is NOTHING about OP’s situation that is easy. Even before this quarantine my heart would go out to OP managing 3 boys, one with severe special needs and a dh who is completely unavailable 50+ hours a week. Yikes. I hope you’re a troll and not this heartless of a person.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 21:05     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.


But OP has it really good, that’s what is frustrating people. Her DH doesn’t have to risk going to work as essential, they have a house spacious enough for a yard and an office, and he quits work by 630, which is very good for a breadwinner.

That’s why some are treating her bad, b/c she is being all woe is me with a very enviable situation


Our house and yard are not large. DH makes $110k a year and his office is in our tiny bedroom. Yes, we are fortunate he is not essential. If he were, he would have to stay elsewhere as out son’s asthma makes him very high risk.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 21:01     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.

I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.


In many industries no one cares about your family, or what trials your kids put you through. I don’t know which of my colleagues have kids, we don’t put pictures or drawings on our workspace, as we focused on the job and making the business succeed.

50 hr work weeks seems pretty tame for a breadwinner role, so Op actually has it good from the get go.


Wow. That is not the culture at my workplace. I generally know when someone gets married, has a baby, or gets a life threatening illness. I can’t imagine having no idea.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 20:57     Subject: SAHM struggles
I would change dinner to 6:30 for everyone together, or tell DH he has to have dinner with the family 3 nights a week, and then can go back to work. My DH works a ton, but one nice thing about this is we are having family dinners every night for the first time in a long time. Then he does more work after dinner. Even though you stay at home, he needs to realize this situation is not normal, and he needs to come out and help for 15-20 minutes in the middle of the day. That is not too much to ask in your situation.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 20:57     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.


But OP has it really good, that’s what is frustrating people. Her DH doesn’t have to risk going to work as essential, they have a house spacious enough for a yard and an office, and he quits work by 630, which is very good for a breadwinner.

That’s why some are treating her bad, b/c she is being all woe is me with a very enviable situation


No, people are just jerks and they take that stress out on strangers online. It doesn't take from other people to recognize op's challenges. Someone else ALWAYS has a worse situation. There are a million terrible situations out there.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 20:43     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.

I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.


In many industries no one cares about your family, or what trials your kids put you through. I don’t know which of my colleagues have kids, we don’t put pictures or drawings on our workspace, as we focused on the job and making the business succeed.

50 hr work weeks seems pretty tame for a breadwinner role, so Op actually has it good from the get go.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 20:41     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.


But OP has it really good, that’s what is frustrating people. Her DH doesn’t have to risk going to work as essential, they have a house spacious enough for a yard and an office, and he quits work by 630, which is very good for a breadwinner.

That’s why some are treating her bad, b/c she is being all woe is me with a very enviable situation
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 20:33     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 20:21     Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, all. You have me tearing up over here, seriously. One of my boys has nonverbal autism (and bad asthma) & special dietary needs (can’t chew, allergies) so there is extra meal prep. He’s doing teletherapies for private therapy right now, but I am now his one on one for schoolwork... which isn’t going well. His SPED & gen ed classes are also doing zoom chats. My other elementary child also needs some help with his assignments. And my littlest just has a way of getting into all.the.things. My autistic son has been in full time school since the day he turned 3... so we’re struggling big time with the routine changes. We cannot go for walks without DH (with a runner) so it’s inside the house or the backyard. It’s just a lot. A whole lot. On top of being really worried about everything else going on. I did talk with DH after he got upset about me venting to a fellow special needs mom, and he is stressed about his job and said he’s doing his best. I take food up to him because he’s mostly on conference calls, he only leaves our room to go to the bathroom. I am hoping we get into a better groove soon.


Of course you can. You are choosing not to. Get a backpack leash.


You can give a suggestion without being snotty. She is the mom of a special needs kid with non verbal autism who is clearly elementary school age. You could have said - "Would one of the backpack leashes be an option?" instead of acting like she is choosing to not help herself. BE NICE PEOPLE. It isn't hard.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2020 20:19     Subject: SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It has been somewhat of an issue for me even though my kids are grown.

My DH is in conference calls all day. Due to just some idiocyncracies of our wifi...the connectivity is the best in our formal dining room, so he is set up there. He wants absolute silence in the house from 8:30 am to 7 pm. It is hard to even run the vacuum or cook something.

He was scheduling his meetings back to back a week ago. TBH there was a lot of firestorms at work, so I understand. I had to tell him to bake 30 minutes of free time between meetings or his team will be absolutely stressed. He has calmed down a bit since that.

You will find your new normal soon.


Order a wifi extender pronto, I can't believe your husband is enforcing these rules rather than spending $60.


THIS! We have a wifi extender and dh is in the garage, thank goodness.