Anonymous
04/08/2020 23:48
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
OP--my DH was very freaked out about having kids, and frankly put it off for a long time. A few things really helped: (1) I was on bedrest, so he had to go to the parent class I signed us up for by himself. He said in all the couples the instructor just talked to the woman and the guy just sat there. So stereotypes and learned helplessness were in full play. Because he went by himself he could learn and ask questions without feeling stupid (2) our DC was born early and had to spend a few days in the nursery, I had delivery complications so he went by himself to visit the baby and the nurses guided him through holding and feeding and diapering. (3) I insisted he take leave after mine ran out and spend time at home with baby. By himself. That is what really cemented things for him. I think from your last note that you are saying that you never leave baby alone with him. You HAVE to do this. And for hours at a time, not minutes. He needs to find his own way. Was it weird for me when I came home to find DH bouncing baby up and down on the bed and listening to Van Halen? Absolutely. But he figured out what worked for him.
I know you can't do a parenting class now because of distancing, but maybe DH needs some other resources? Some websites? Youtube videos? Some people need specific guidelines--someone gave us a baby book, I wish i could remember the name of it, that showed how you do every little thing with a baby, with diagrams--how to put on a onesie, how to give a bath, three ways to hold a baby to burb it. how to give a baby a bottle. My husband clung to that thing like a bible. I'm sure you can find good websites now but maybe DH needs something like that?
He sounds like he is generally a good guy, just think about what would be motivating to him and also what his sticking points/barriers are. This sounds totally fixable and I am sure you guys will get through it, you will be looking back in a year and laughing about it.
I know you can't do a parenting class now because of distancing, but maybe DH needs some other resources? Some websites? Youtube videos? Some people need specific guidelines--someone gave us a baby book, I wish i could remember the name of it, that showed how you do every little thing with a baby, with diagrams--how to put on a onesie, how to give a bath, three ways to hold a baby to burb it. how to give a baby a bottle. My husband clung to that thing like a bible. I'm sure you can find good websites now but maybe DH needs something like that?
He sounds like he is generally a good guy, just think about what would be motivating to him and also what his sticking points/barriers are. This sounds totally fixable and I am sure you guys will get through it, you will be looking back in a year and laughing about it.
Anonymous
04/08/2020 19:14
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
OP here- thanks to the “horrible” man for your post- I appreciate your honesty and how you stuck with it. Though I am not sure I’d be so happy waiting five years!
I know DH loves the baby. But he’s just like a deer in head lights. I know a lot of women say that men are terrified that they’ll do something wrong, but it’s not it. Somethjng is just not clicking. I DO tell him that I’m going to go do this, do that, I don’t ever ask him to watch her.
I’ll be honest though, I do get sad when I see other pics of men that just seem totally hands on and natural with their baby and being totally doting. I don’t have any pictures of my DH with baby like that- just literally like a deer in headlights. I will say though it is also refreshing to hear other moms say that they had trouble bonding as well, it sounds like maybe this isn’t talked about so much. Social media has totally warped what to expect in parenthood!
I know DH loves the baby. But he’s just like a deer in head lights. I know a lot of women say that men are terrified that they’ll do something wrong, but it’s not it. Somethjng is just not clicking. I DO tell him that I’m going to go do this, do that, I don’t ever ask him to watch her.
I’ll be honest though, I do get sad when I see other pics of men that just seem totally hands on and natural with their baby and being totally doting. I don’t have any pictures of my DH with baby like that- just literally like a deer in headlights. I will say though it is also refreshing to hear other moms say that they had trouble bonding as well, it sounds like maybe this isn’t talked about so much. Social media has totally warped what to expect in parenthood!
Anonymous
04/08/2020 11:14
Subject: Re:First time parents and husband is horrible
Anonymous wrote:This is my experience as a "horrible" man,
When I got married, I didn't know how to be a man. I resisted the many pleading calls from my wife to change. My dad never trained me to be a man, and it unfortunately fell upon my wife and child to do that job. I do consider myself a man now AND a really good father. It wasn't easy though. It took about 5 years.
When I got married and had a child everything for me changed. It shouldn't be so shocking, but I went through so many changes in a short time, I was unable to cope.
I had to:
-- stop staying up late and spending time with friends
-- work a full time job
-- completely quit marijuana and couldn't drink during the week
-- come home and engage with my family instead of escaping into video games or computers.
-- listen to a woman tell me what to do a lot more.
It took me about 8 months to bond with my firstborn which is weird because I always wanted a child and people told me I was "good" with kids.
through it all my wife was on my ass the entire time. Thank God for that. What we call nagging is just a woman's way of telling her partner that they are not doing a good job.
One bit of advice. BE THE LEADER. Create the norms and family culture you believe is best and your husband will eventually catch up. Don't let him get away with not being a man.
Because of my wife, I never stare at my cell in front of my kids. I always do the dishes at night because I know my wife wakes up and has to get the kids to the bus. Even though my wife gets frustrated with me, I am able to take responsibility and learn from her. And she is able to be an even better mom because of me being a better dad.
I know it's unfair, but your husband won't magically learn. You have to pressure him.
Start leading the way with force. Nag at him hard. He knows right from wrong, he just doesn't want to give up his old life. It's worth it though. He will one day realize how lucky he is to have you.
I disagree with the last two posters and think this is a very helpful and honest post. Thank you!
Anonymous
04/07/2020 20:21
Subject: Re:First time parents and husband is horrible
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is my experience as a "horrible" man,
When I got married, I didn't know how to be a man. I resisted the many pleading calls from my wife to change. My dad never trained me to be a man, and it unfortunately fell upon my wife and child to do that job. I do consider myself a man now AND a really good father. It wasn't easy though. It took about 5 years.
When I got married and had a child everything for me changed. It shouldn't be so shocking, but I went through so many changes in a short time, I was unable to cope.
I had to:
-- stop staying up late and spending time with friends
-- work a full time job
-- completely quit marijuana and couldn't drink during the week
-- come home and engage with my family instead of escaping into video games or computers.
-- listen to a woman tell me what to do a lot more.
It took me about 8 months to bond with my firstborn which is weird because I always wanted a child and people told me I was "good" with kids.
through it all my wife was on my ass the entire time. Thank God for that. What we call nagging is just a woman's way of telling her partner that they are not doing a good job.
One bit of advice. BE THE LEADER. Create the norms and family culture you believe is best and your husband will eventually catch up. Don't let him get away with not being a man.
Because of my wife, I never stare at my cell in front of my kids. I always do the dishes at night because I know my wife wakes up and has to get the kids to the bus. Even though my wife gets frustrated with me, I am able to take responsibility and learn from her. And she is able to be an even better mom because of me being a better dad.
I know it's unfair, but your husband won't magically learn. You have to pressure him.
Start leading the way with force. Nag at him hard. He knows right from wrong, he just doesn't want to give up his old life. It's worth it though. He will one day realize how lucky he is to have you.
You sound like a loser.
You must be the same person that called OP’s husband an ass right away. Anger issues?
Anonymous
04/07/2020 19:57
Subject: Re:First time parents and husband is horrible
Anonymous wrote:This is my experience as a "horrible" man,
When I got married, I didn't know how to be a man. I resisted the many pleading calls from my wife to change. My dad never trained me to be a man, and it unfortunately fell upon my wife and child to do that job. I do consider myself a man now AND a really good father. It wasn't easy though. It took about 5 years.
When I got married and had a child everything for me changed. It shouldn't be so shocking, but I went through so many changes in a short time, I was unable to cope.
I had to:
-- stop staying up late and spending time with friends
-- work a full time job
-- completely quit marijuana and couldn't drink during the week
-- come home and engage with my family instead of escaping into video games or computers.
-- listen to a woman tell me what to do a lot more.
It took me about 8 months to bond with my firstborn which is weird because I always wanted a child and people told me I was "good" with kids.
through it all my wife was on my ass the entire time. Thank God for that. What we call nagging is just a woman's way of telling her partner that they are not doing a good job.
One bit of advice. BE THE LEADER. Create the norms and family culture you believe is best and your husband will eventually catch up. Don't let him get away with not being a man.
Because of my wife, I never stare at my cell in front of my kids. I always do the dishes at night because I know my wife wakes up and has to get the kids to the bus. Even though my wife gets frustrated with me, I am able to take responsibility and learn from her. And she is able to be an even better mom because of me being a better dad.
I know it's unfair, but your husband won't magically learn. You have to pressure him.
Start leading the way with force. Nag at him hard. He knows right from wrong, he just doesn't want to give up his old life. It's worth it though. He will one day realize how lucky he is to have you.
You sound like a loser.
Anonymous
04/07/2020 16:38
Subject: Re:First time parents and husband is horrible
This is my experience as a "horrible" man,
When I got married, I didn't know how to be a man. I resisted the many pleading calls from my wife to change. My dad never trained me to be a man, and it unfortunately fell upon my wife and child to do that job. I do consider myself a man now AND a really good father. It wasn't easy though. It took about 5 years.
When I got married and had a child everything for me changed. It shouldn't be so shocking, but I went through so many changes in a short time, I was unable to cope.
I had to:
-- stop staying up late and spending time with friends
-- work a full time job
-- completely quit marijuana and couldn't drink during the week
-- come home and engage with my family instead of escaping into video games or computers.
-- listen to a woman tell me what to do a lot more.
It took me about 8 months to bond with my firstborn which is weird because I always wanted a child and people told me I was "good" with kids.
through it all my wife was on my ass the entire time. Thank God for that. What we call nagging is just a woman's way of telling her partner that they are not doing a good job.
One bit of advice. BE THE LEADER. Create the norms and family culture you believe is best and your husband will eventually catch up. Don't let him get away with not being a man.
Because of my wife, I never stare at my cell in front of my kids. I always do the dishes at night because I know my wife wakes up and has to get the kids to the bus. Even though my wife gets frustrated with me, I am able to take responsibility and learn from her. And she is able to be an even better mom because of me being a better dad.
I know it's unfair, but your husband won't magically learn. You have to pressure him.
Start leading the way with force. Nag at him hard. He knows right from wrong, he just doesn't want to give up his old life. It's worth it though. He will one day realize how lucky he is to have you.
When I got married, I didn't know how to be a man. I resisted the many pleading calls from my wife to change. My dad never trained me to be a man, and it unfortunately fell upon my wife and child to do that job. I do consider myself a man now AND a really good father. It wasn't easy though. It took about 5 years.
When I got married and had a child everything for me changed. It shouldn't be so shocking, but I went through so many changes in a short time, I was unable to cope.
I had to:
-- stop staying up late and spending time with friends
-- work a full time job
-- completely quit marijuana and couldn't drink during the week
-- come home and engage with my family instead of escaping into video games or computers.
-- listen to a woman tell me what to do a lot more.
It took me about 8 months to bond with my firstborn which is weird because I always wanted a child and people told me I was "good" with kids.
through it all my wife was on my ass the entire time. Thank God for that. What we call nagging is just a woman's way of telling her partner that they are not doing a good job.
One bit of advice. BE THE LEADER. Create the norms and family culture you believe is best and your husband will eventually catch up. Don't let him get away with not being a man.
Because of my wife, I never stare at my cell in front of my kids. I always do the dishes at night because I know my wife wakes up and has to get the kids to the bus. Even though my wife gets frustrated with me, I am able to take responsibility and learn from her. And she is able to be an even better mom because of me being a better dad.
I know it's unfair, but your husband won't magically learn. You have to pressure him.
Start leading the way with force. Nag at him hard. He knows right from wrong, he just doesn't want to give up his old life. It's worth it though. He will one day realize how lucky he is to have you.
Anonymous
04/07/2020 15:28
Subject: Re:First time parents and husband is horrible
You need to give him the baby and a bottle (pump if you need to) and walk away. Ask him to take the baby for a walk or do tummy time. It will get better!
Anonymous
04/07/2020 15:22
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
I think the best decision I ever made as far as figuring out co-parenting was to just give my husband the time and space to bond with our kid and not interfere. I remember one time I was struggling with getting her to sleep and he offered to hold her while I went for a walk and it was just very therapeutic to get out of the house and she fell asleep with him.
Anonymous
04/07/2020 15:03
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
it's normal. he'll improve. theoretically you've already been taking of the baby for 12 months, and he's only 3 months in.
Anonymous
04/07/2020 13:44
Subject: Re:First time parents and husband is horrible
Anonymous wrote:Omg. Some men try to let mom do all the work during the early months so mom can bond with baby. It’s ok to say, here can you watch baby while I shower. Baby likes to be rocked, takes the bottle like this, etc. he has to learn and it’s ok for you to teach him. Please understand that people are not mind readers. You want help, ask. You want more bonding, say it.
Oh come on. He's not doing it to help OP "so mom can bond with baby". He's doing it because lots of people don't enjoy babies and find them to be hard work. But you're right, OP needs to hand off the baby and not take "no" for an answer. It's not "here, CAN you watch baby while I shower". It's "I'm going to jump in the shower, here you go - baby needs a bottle!" I'm guessing her husband isn't asking her for permission to shower.
Anonymous
04/07/2020 13:42
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
My mom always said that women are more into bonding with the baby in the first few months and men get much more into it once the baby can do things-crawl, walk, talk. This is a huge generalization, but was true in my case. My husband became much more involved as time went by. I also think that men in general like to feel like they are needed. Ask him specific things to do. It will get better! This is a crazy emotional time without all the extra emotions you are both feeling. Hang in there!
Anonymous
04/07/2020 13:33
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
OP, not everyone is a baby person. And guys ESPECIALLY are often not baby people. Babies are kind of terrifying if you don't have a lot of experience with them. They're so floppy and fragile. Don't rule out yet that he'll be a better dad in a few months as your child starts to get a little more interactive and a little less scary.
Anonymous
04/07/2020 12:29
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
Take a short walk (15 minutes) after dinner and put him in charge. Repeat. He just needs some alone time with her to become confident.
Anonymous
04/07/2020 10:02
Subject: First time parents and husband is horrible
Anonymous wrote:
We have had a few discussions. He says he feels lost in his role (my family was over a lot enjoying the baby and taking care of it so we can rest before this quarantine business- almost everyday; I LOOOOOVE the help but even for me sometimes their presence was overbearing). He admitted that he definitely didn’t bond with her immediately and felt guilty, but couldn’t help what he felt...he said it’s hard for him to bond to something that he just met, whereas I got to bond with her for 9 months in my belly...it sucks to hear but I appreciate his honesty and I can’t blame him for feeling that way.
Sounds like he's a thoughtful, sensitive guy if he's communicating these feelings with you.
Other posters have given great advice re: giving him specific duties related to the baby.
Also, I realize this is hard with our current situation, but try and let him have dedicated alone time with the baby. Did you ever babysit young kids when you were a teenager? There was nothing worse than the parent who wanted to stay and observe you with the kids at first instead of letting you be. Some people aren't so natural with kids and need time not being observed. He may feel awkward and will warm up to the baby if he doesn't feel like whatever he's doing/not doing is on display for you.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 12:13
Subject: Re:First time parents and husband is horrible
Anonymous wrote:Deal with it during the quarantine but then leave him when this is over. He seems like a total ass. Why did you marry such a POS?
WT#?!