Anonymous wrote:Good man, love him, and he's always had a lower libido than I. Compromise with reduced frequency and same-old, same-old super-vanilla (lets get real: less than vanilla) sex was something I could compromise on. But after 12 years, we're down to zero and have been for almost 2 years. I don't bother to ask anymore. I will get a divorce after kids are up and out in another 10. I don't hang it over his head like a threat because: a) I don't want coerced sex and b) a decade-long threat is toxic--we're still married, parenting, friends, and so on, and need kindness to do that well. Divorce won't be a surprise, though. It's depressing as hell, sometimes.

I could have written this word for word, except we have only one kid. Married 13 years, haven't had sex in 2 years. I've asked about it, tried to talk about it and his response is always "you're right, I have to do better." Like I'm a chore. I don't ask anymore.

Anonymous wrote:Our sex life was infrequent and not at all fulfilling until I decided to take the dominant and not the passive or follower role. I thought he might be turned off by it but I was desperate. The first thing I did was go on Amazon and buy a pair of padded handcuffs and locked him to the bed and then had my fun. It turned out he loves being in the submissive role and things have been really good since then and now we go back and forth in terms of who’s in charge.

+1 I had a higher libido than my husband and was flustered by the lack of frequency and then one day he just said that our sex life was boring just the same old same old. That led to a big argument about who was at fault and then we calmed down and accepted that we both were and that after 25 years we needed to change. Since then we have become better students of great sex and the same old same old is a thing of the past. My libido is still higher than his but at least once a week we have a great time. We have now been married 32 years and I’m grateful we figured out what the problem was.

Good man, love him, and he's always had a lower libido than I. Compromise with reduced frequency and same-old, same-old super-vanilla (lets get real: less than vanilla) sex was something I could compromise on.

I am in my mid-50s and was married for about 25 years. We had stopped having sex for about two to three years before the divorce. We have two kids (both were out of the house when we split.)

Post-divorce, I have only dated divorced women with kids (because it is the group with whom I feel the most connected.) My biggest surprise is how much the women I have been lucky enough to get know enjoy more adventurous sex, such as

Being physically controlled (e.g., pining their hands, holding them in place, picking them and carrying them)
Being told what to do and when to do it
Having their hair pulled or being spanked.

It is sad that a woman who wants this non-vanilla sex cannot get it, much less any kind of sex (vanilla or not). It opened a new world for me.

Our sex life was infrequent and not at all fulfilling until I decided to take the dominant and not the passive or follower role. I thought he might be turned off by it but I was desperate. The first thing I did was go on Amazon and buy a pair of padded handcuffs and locked him to the bed and then had my fun. It turned out he loves being in the submissive role and things have been really good since then and now we go back and forth in terms of who’s in charge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another wife with a low libido husband checking in. We exist! Too embarrassing to talk about openly though. It sucks. I want to be desired, which is vain I know, but it’s what I want. And my husband cannot provide that, I resent it, and I’m only here for the kids now.

May I ask, how old are you, DH, and the kids?

I’m early thirties, husband mid thirties, kids are 1 and 3. The sex every few months at best thing has been going on for like 7 years. So I suppose I knew what I was in for and it’s a lot my fault.

Anonymous wrote:Another wife with a low libido husband checking in. We exist! Too embarrassing to talk about openly though. It sucks. I want to be desired, which is vain I know, but it’s what I want. And my husband cannot provide that, I resent it, and I’m only here for the kids now.

For us in the same boat, it's not always about the sex - it's the random touch here and there that makes us feel loved/desired. Some people interpret that as being sex starved monsters which in some ways we are, but it's way more complex than that.

Anonymous wrote:Another wife with a low libido husband checking in. We exist! Too embarrassing to talk about openly though. It sucks. I want to be desired, which is vain I know, but it’s what I want. And my husband cannot provide that, I resent it, and I’m only here for the kids now.

May I ask, how old are you, DH, and the kids?

Another wife with a low libido husband checking in. We exist! Too embarrassing to talk about openly though. It sucks. I want to be desired, which is vain I know, but it’s what I want. And my husband cannot provide that, I resent it, and I’m only here for the kids now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

Wait, you have a 90% success rate just by initiating sex? And your main complaint (not having sex) is easily fixed just by you initiating sex?
Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. Women are so spoiled it's not even funny.

Yeah, kind of agree. I think OP is complaining that she doesn't do it often but man, I would kill for that success rate! My success rate is about 1% and we don't do it that often at all!

OP here.

I never said he was impotent. He's functional and capable. He just has zero desire. So, yes, he will participate when I initiate, but I don't initiate very often because he makes pronouncements all the time as to why he's not in the mood. Or why sex is so unimportant or boring or useless or stupid. I initiate when I am completely and utterly at my whit's end. You can't tell me that that is a healthy way to operate as a couple. As I said in my OP, once a month at best, only because I initiate, cannot possibly be considered satisfying (pun intended).

I am a guy (sorry I'm in this thread) and I can relate. I'm the PP that mentioned 1% success rate. Because sessions are so far apart, my stamina is not that great and as a result, the session leaves me yearning for more and she has no interest in a 2nd round. So, not only are the sessions infrequent, they are not that satisfying. It would be a lot better for both of us if we had sex 2-3x per week

OP here. You're welcome here!

We are in the same boat. Yes, infrequent and unsatisfying. I also feel like I'm burdening him by doing something that I know he doesn't want to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

Wait, you have a 90% success rate just by initiating sex? And your main complaint (not having sex) is easily fixed just by you initiating sex?
Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. Women are so spoiled it's not even funny.

Yeah, kind of agree. I think OP is complaining that she doesn't do it often but man, I would kill for that success rate! My success rate is about 1% and we don't do it that often at all!

OP here.

I never said he was impotent. He's functional and capable. He just has zero desire. So, yes, he will participate when I initiate, but I don't initiate very often because he makes pronouncements all the time as to why he's not in the mood. Or why sex is so unimportant or boring or useless or stupid. I initiate when I am completely and utterly at my whit's end. You can't tell me that that is a healthy way to operate as a couple. As I said in my OP, once a month at best, only because I initiate, cannot possibly be considered satisfying (pun intended).

I am a guy (sorry I'm in this thread) and I can relate. I'm the PP that mentioned 1% success rate. Because sessions are so far apart, my stamina is not that great and as a result, the session leaves me yearning for more and she has no interest in a 2nd round. So, not only are the sessions infrequent, they are not that satisfying. It would be a lot better for both of us if we had sex 2-3x per week

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

Wait, you have a 90% success rate just by initiating sex? And your main complaint (not having sex) is easily fixed just by you initiating sex?
Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. Women are so spoiled it's not even funny.

Yeah, kind of agree. I think OP is complaining that she doesn't do it often but man, I would kill for that success rate! My success rate is about 1% and we don't do it that often at all!

OP here.

I never said he was impotent. He's functional and capable. He just has zero desire. So, yes, he will participate when I initiate, but I don't initiate very often because he makes pronouncements all the time as to why he's not in the mood. Or why sex is so unimportant or boring or useless or stupid. I initiate when I am completely and utterly at my whit's end. You can't tell me that that is a healthy way to operate as a couple. As I said in my OP, once a month at best, only because I initiate, cannot possibly be considered satisfying (pun intended).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

Wait, you have a 90% success rate just by initiating sex? And your main complaint (not having sex) is easily fixed just by you initiating sex?
Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. Women are so spoiled it's not even funny.

Yeah, kind of agree. I think OP is complaining that she doesn't do it often but man, I would kill for that success rate! My success rate is about 1% and we don't do it that often at all!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

Wait, you have a 90% success rate just by initiating sex? And your main complaint (not having sex) is easily fixed just by you initiating sex?
Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. Women are so spoiled it's not even funny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

This is tough. For those spouses that don't have sex (I'm one since spouse is not into it at all), sex is one thing and I get that can be past - just give me a simple hug/kiss/etc! I think people think we are just sexually frustrated but that's only partially true. We just craved to be touched....period. Give me a hug/pat on the butt/kiss at random points in the day and that will go a long way to making me feel loved.

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.