Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 20:37     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:My DH is the same way. He won’t approach strangers and he makes me do it (to ask a question at the store for example). Maybe that’s why he likes a dominant woman.


If your husband "makes" you do it then you are not a dominant woman.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 20:34     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
I have the same problem with my wife, and I have to admit it's partially my fault. I'm an enabler. I keep doing that stuff because of the guilt she puts in me and to avoid a fight.

How did it start? I tried to be a good husband, that's why.

Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 20:23     Subject: Re:DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Trying to understand what a "loose outlet" is. The screw in the middle that holds on the faceplate needs tightening, is that it?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 16:40     Subject: Re:DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.


OP here. It's not all bad with my DH, I just get frustrated with this trait that he has. I'm not saying it's his job to fix the loose outlet, but if he's already been working with the cable guy, and I'm upstairs managing the kids, why come upstairs and ask me to help, leaving the kids on their own, without even trying to do it on your own first? I could see if he tried and couldn't figure it out, so he came to ask me if I might be able to figure it out. But no, he didn't even try, his first thought was to come get me.


Because he lacks self-confidence. He thinks he'll screw it up and embarrass himself in front of the cable guy. Next time you do something, when it's just you and him, encourage him to do it on his own, while you watch. It's like a mommy bird teaching a baby bird how to fly. You just have to stand there and push him out of the nest. When he cries, you have to be firm and say that you won't do it, but you are willing to stand next to him and answer any questions he might have. As he slowly builds his confidence, he won't ask you anymore.

I would think it's embarrassing to have to ask your wife about this in front of the cable guy.

I would be totally turned off by this. It's literally like treating your DH like a child.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 16:40     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:Peg him as punishment?


or whip him?

Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 16:36     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP in the case you described I would have called out 'sweetie- please can you come here- I need you!' and when he arrived I would have said 'do NOT raise your voice at me especially in front of someone else. Switch- I'm going out to go fix that, YOU please pick up where I left off with feeding the kids' and I would have used the time away for both of us to cool down.

And if sex is in any way an issue in your home, I'd explain that it's hard be interested in sex with someone who acts like a toddler and doesn't have basic respect down.


Withhold sex. Brilliant. Somehow I think OP already went in that direction long ago.

I have a better, more mature idea. OP, just get a divorce right now. Face it: you married a chump. You are not attracted to him. You have no respect for him. He sounds like an incompetent man-child. Another pitiful Homer Simpson character, just like his father. No wonder you haven’t wanted sex (with him) in years! Who can blame you?

So.... leave! Free yourself from this bumbling idiot. Better that your kids have 50% of their time with you, a proper adult, instead of full-time exposure to thier worthless loser dad. Divorce now to prevent raising another generation of Homer Simpsons.


PP. I did not and would never suggest 'withholding sex'. I just stated that if sex is not happening, they can talk about why and fix it. Or they could not talk about it and divorce as in your nuclear option.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 16:35     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH of 3 years comes from a family of co-dependence. His parents really don't have much going on outside of each other, and his dad literally could not live life and make sh*t happen without his mom. This has been transferred to my DH. Things have gotten a TAD better over the years, but today reminded me of his dependency on me and I got super annoyed.

We switched cable/internet providers and the technician is in the garage setting up the new cables. The electrical outlet that the technican needs to use in the garage is loose. My DH has changed an outlet before in our home (with my help) and he asks me today to come into the garage with him and the technician to help him change the outlet because "he doesn't remember how to do it". Meanwhile, we have a toddler and an 8 year old in the house who are getting ready for breakfast.

Why can't this man FIGURE OUT / remember how to change the outlet? Find a YouTube video and get it done! On top of that, he raises his voice at me and I'm sure the tech could hear him. I'm just super annoyed right now and needed to vent.


Sorry but you are out of line. Change an outlet? I am a single dad and have been for many years (ex cheated). I had the kids most of the time and was the parent in the house. I cooked, cleaned, ran errands, played the role of mom and dad to my 2 kids, etc. one thing I learned in my years is not to mess with electricity repairs if I was unsure. I’ve never changed an outlet before and wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. Now, maybe it truly
Is NBD but you should cut your DH some slack on this one.


Sorry. Not hard. Go to the electrical panel and flip off the relevant circuit and have at it. Then have at it.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 16:32     Subject: Re:DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
My goodness, I am just the opposite but my wife tries assert that I can’t do stuff. I have fixed or replaced a wide array of appliances, toilets, car parts, dug out and replanted things (with beautiful results), etc etc etc BUT every time something comes up, especially things that will take a few hours, she is like let me call someone. Said someone’s are always expensive and never really give a hoot about their work quality. I think she just does not want to be around our 3 kids that much (that I spend all weekend coaching, car pooling etc).

I would love to be able to do all the stuff needed to be done.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 09:54     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:My DH of 3 years comes from a family of co-dependence. His parents really don't have much going on outside of each other, and his dad literally could not live life and make sh*t happen without his mom. This has been transferred to my DH. Things have gotten a TAD better over the years, but today reminded me of his dependency on me and I got super annoyed.

We switched cable/internet providers and the technician is in the garage setting up the new cables. The electrical outlet that the technican needs to use in the garage is loose. My DH has changed an outlet before in our home (with my help) and he asks me today to come into the garage with him and the technician to help him change the outlet because "he doesn't remember how to do it". Meanwhile, we have a toddler and an 8 year old in the house who are getting ready for breakfast.

Why can't this man FIGURE OUT / remember how to change the outlet? Find a YouTube video and get it done! On top of that, he raises his voice at me and I'm sure the tech could hear him. I'm just super annoyed right now and needed to vent.


Sorry but you are out of line. Change an outlet? I am a single dad and have been for many years (ex cheated). I had the kids most of the time and was the parent in the house. I cooked, cleaned, ran errands, played the role of mom and dad to my 2 kids, etc. one thing I learned in my years is not to mess with electricity repairs if I was unsure. I’ve never changed an outlet before and wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. Now, maybe it truly
Is NBD but you should cut your DH some slack on this one.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 09:47     Subject: Re:DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Learned helplessness is why I am divorced and happily single. DH could do nothing around the house to assist and if I ever asked for support, he would bristle and say I was scolding him.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 09:44     Subject: Re:DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Same same. It definitely comes from growing up with that kind of dynamic. My FIL was a distinguished doctor but could not function without MIL. All he could do was his job. Couldn't cook, had no idea of finances, like had no idea where he had a bank account or credit cards or how to file taxes. MIL would give him a credit card, he'd use it and she'd take care of the rest.

DH isn't quite that bad but he expects me to be his assistant in every way. Like the other day, he had to submit a form to get paid for some independent consulting work he did (he has a salaried job, this was just a side thing). He wanted me to do it -- it "looked too complicated". Like basically it had too many words on it, so he threw up his hands and called his wife. Dude, there were a lot of words because there were explicit instructions and explanations for each section to be filled out. It was the simplest thing imaginable.

You're right, it is unattractive.


OP here. Your in-laws perfectly describes my in-laws. What your DH asked you to do the other day is exactly what my DH would ask of me. And honestly, it's not that my DH is dumb and can't do it. He just asks me because it's easier. He also feels the need to include me on every single decision, no matter how small it is, which I think stems from him not wanting to be blamed if it goes wrong/not as planned. It feels good to know I'm not the only one :/


NP. Been Married 20 years. At 19 years, I opened a bank account at a different bank. Told DH that he was in charge of paying the mortgage and his credit cards from bank A and I would pay other bills from bank B. OMG, there was so much pushback, but I held firm.

It’s been about 8 months now, and he finally understands his spending habits. I no longer stress about being the CEO, CFO, and Chairwoman of the board.

Of course, it was easier when he could just put his head in the sand, financially speaking, and go about his day. Honestly, I feel so much less stress!

He’s always been one to call and ask me about every purchase-oking it with me-like I had any more of an idea of our finances that he did (or what he should have known). He doesn’t call to get my ok anymore, and when he does, I tell him to do what he thinks his best.

Free yourselves, ladies. It’s so liberating not being in charge of your spouse!
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 09:41     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"I'm busy right now honey, please look it up online and figure it out".


OP here. I just hate that after I say something like that, he gets an attitude/upset.


Sure. He can get upset and you ignore. Pretend he's a toddler.
My dh pulled the "if I mow the lawn, wash dishes etc badly with his mom when he was a teen and then was absolved from doing those things". Does not fly with me. Thankfully he doesn't like to spend money so either he figures it out or I call someone and they will charge a lot. Granted I do a LOT of handy things like electrical and minor plumbing and enjoy it. But dh picks up and figures out other things.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 09:35     Subject: Re:DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
I’d bet most of these spouses make a ton more money than their wives, who hate that they’re also called upon to demonstrate their value to the partnership. Suck it up, ladies. You aren’t the CEOs - you’re the maintenance workers.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 09:28     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"I'm busy right now honey, please look it up online and figure it out".


OP here. I just hate that after I say something like that, he gets an attitude/upset.


That’s immature of him. He gets mildly called out for being so passive and dependent so he throws a mini tantrum.

After Coroavirus get counseling other together or individual. This bad habit - or learning disability of his- will never stop
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2020 06:53     Subject: DH's lack of independence is so unattractive
The real enemies are the women who socialize their perfectly competent sons to expect that their wives must function as their de facto assistants. Early on MIL tussled when she insisted that I pack DH's suitcase because 'that's women's work.' My dad traveled every week for week. I never saw my mother touch his luggage for any reason, not even to put it away. Yuck!