^ and FYI that was diagnosed 10 years into marriage, after we both thought it was maybe ADHD. the first few years I thought he was passive aggressive and "was a guy who didn't like to talk." but then nothing large or small was getting resolved and I should have walked then, but made more excuses plus didn't realize I was carrying the whole load.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my former H. Boy, am I glad that's over.

Same here. I thought I was the problem and that something was wrong with me for having emotional needs.

Now I’m with someone who goes above and beyond in meeting my needs and life is so good now.

OP I'm glad you have a social life outside of your home so you can have friends, conversations and people who are actually capable of responding to what you are saying or feeling.

My spouse does not connect with me nor my kids well, but it is due to his aspergers. So he doesn't register any thought or empathy if a kid or I have a bad day, have a super day, or are in visible pain or frustration. It's like living with Spock or a robot. In his case he does not socialize much, have many friends or hobbies any longer, and won't take initiative to make some or keep some. In OP's case it somewhat sounds like her spouse is OK with childrearing and on the ball at home, plus has some sports outlets -- which does not lend itself to aspergers unless somethere there is like his #1 or 2 dogmatic "passions."

Thankfully, I work FT, have sports, friends, kids, extended family (not nearby) so I can keep my sanity and level set on normal behavior. Otherwise I would end up mirroring the aspergers spouse: sit around, never both talking, no ideas on what to do, regurgitate my favorite work project again or news article everyone has already read. Also, by design, our children are in an excellent private school for socio-emotional whole child education and public speaking, so they see good role models, responsiveness, and conversational skills there.

Anonymous wrote:If a man can’t meet his wife’s needs, then they should have an open marriage. She should be free to find a man who she can connect with, and since most people feel more emotionally connected when they are having sex, that will likely be part of a relationship that meets her needs.

You can’t expect to never meet your partner’s needs and have them stay faithful to you. It’s unrealistic.

Agreed. I often post about opening a sexless marriage but this sounds totally fair too!
Any spouse who refuses to meet a legitimate need (that’s been clearly communicated, in actionable terms, so he knows exactly what you mean by “emotional need”) cannot object when their spouse goes elsewhere to meet that need.

Instead of talking about it have you given him concrete things you can do to change it? You talk about wanting to have a shared TV show. Have you told him that? Have you suggested it? What would happen if you said to DH "on Friday night, let's start breaking bad. " Or "on Saturday night, let's open a bottle of wine and play some rummy"

Anonymous wrote:If a man can’t meet his wife’s needs, then they should have an open marriage. She should be free to find a man who she can connect with, and since most people feel more emotionally connected when they are having sex, that will likely be part of a relationship that meets her needs.

You can’t expect to never meet your partner’s needs and have them stay faithful to you. It’s unrealistic.

I agree with this.

NP but I too am tired of meeting the sexual needs of my emotionally stunted DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the person who keeps saying this is manufactured drama? It’s not outrageous to want a spouse who meets your emotional needs. That’s what marriage is supposed to be about.

It’s in men’s best interest to meet their partner’s needs. My SO meets mine so I meet his. Usually 2-3 times a day.

Not that PP. In fact that pp used that phrase to describe my post and I definitely do not manufacture emotional needs.

But you have to remember that emotional needs are almost entirely a female concept on which bored females dwell (yes I am female). You need to cut it in half and throw it out. Lighten up. You dig yourselves deeper and deeper into misery if you dwell on things excessively.

Find some fricking joy people!

Many men are not into this "emotional needs" raz a mataz. Get a therapist for you to get your emotional needs met. Understand men are wired to be good providers, not therapists and you sound particularly needy.

If a man can’t meet his wife’s needs, then they should have an open marriage. She should be free to find a man who she can connect with, and since most people feel more emotionally connected when they are having sex, that will likely be part of a relationship that meets her needs.

You can’t expect to never meet your partner’s needs and have them stay faithful to you. It’s unrealistic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the person who keeps saying this is manufactured drama? It’s not outrageous to want a spouse who meets your emotional needs. That’s what marriage is supposed to be about.

It’s in men’s best interest to meet their partner’s needs. My SO meets mine so I meet his. Usually 2-3 times a day.

Not that PP. In fact that pp used that phrase to describe my post and I definitely do not manufacture emotional needs.

But you have to remember that emotional needs are almost entirely a female concept on which bored females dwell (yes I am female). You need to cut it in half and throw it out. Lighten up. You dig yourselves deeper and deeper into misery if you dwell on things excessively.

Find some fricking joy people!

PP here, and I think that’s kind of BS. I mean, you could also say sexual needs are a male concept on which bored males dwell, and they should cut it in half and quit dwelling.

I’m not saying I expect my partner to hold me while I cry an hour a day. But he takes a genuine interest and always makes time for me if I need it. In return, I happily have sex whenever he wants.

I don't think it BS. Dumb women who aren't intellectually stimulated use all their mental power thinking up problems and needs.

That’s actually an insightful concept. When I became disabled, I had to stop working. I went from high functioning applied use of intellect to my time being consumed with pain, medical procedures, fighting with insurance , etc. Even now that this is my “normal” I don’t have engagement to stimulate my brain like I used to, and I did become emotionally much needier. I didn’t like it, and so I would try to engage DH in the evenings in intellectually stimulating conversations, but he needs the evenings to turn his brain off to detox from work. (and honestly my neediness.) I would get resentful of being denied the opportunity to change my stuck pattern by having those conversation with him, and viewed him as withholding that from me. Really I need to find another way to get the brain stimuli I need during the day, so I’m calmer at night, and not so dependent on him for my interaction. Thank you, PPs.

and why is what you're doing better? why is it better for you. why is it better for the kids, and the family as a whole?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, OP. It's so painful to be in the presence of someone who doesn't show any interest in you whatsoever. I have a rich social life, so I am at the point where I do what I want with our kids and my friends. It doesn't fix the problem, but I became tired of going to a dry well for water. My sympathies, I know how difficult it can be. FWIW, DH will undoubtedly act surprised when I ask him to move out post-coronavirus despite the many conversations we've had about this in our 12 year marriage.

I should add, DH has zero close relationships in his life. Not with his siblings, his parents, or with friends. So before anyone calls me crazy and emotionally demanding, it's a pervasive issue in his life. And yes, we also did 9 months of therapy. He would change (maybe pretend?) for a month or so, then grow tired of it and stop again.

OP here. Good luck to you. Sorry you’re going through this. My DH is similar in that he doesn’t maintain relationships. I often wonder why he got married.

I totally get it. My DH is a “dismissive/advoidant” and it affects every aspect of his life. He’s only comfortable with casual relationships and has an awful time with intimacy. This is largely because his mother abandoned him as a child.

I experienced all the things you are saying for 13 years and I recently asked for a separation, as a result. I have days where I hope and pray he’ll turn the corner, for the sake of our family but with his avoidant traits, I have to be comfortable with the fact this may never happen.

Best wishes to you and your families.

Why did you marry him then OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, OP. It's so painful to be in the presence of someone who doesn't show any interest in you whatsoever. I have a rich social life, so I am at the point where I do what I want with our kids and my friends. It doesn't fix the problem, but I became tired of going to a dry well for water. My sympathies, I know how difficult it can be. FWIW, DH will undoubtedly act surprised when I ask him to move out post-coronavirus despite the many conversations we've had about this in our 12 year marriage.

I should add, DH has zero close relationships in his life. Not with his siblings, his parents, or with friends. So before anyone calls me crazy and emotionally demanding, it's a pervasive issue in his life. And yes, we also did 9 months of therapy. He would change (maybe pretend?) for a month or so, then grow tired of it and stop again.

OP here. Good luck to you. Sorry you’re going through this. My DH is similar in that he doesn’t maintain relationships. I often wonder why he got married.

I totally get it. My DH is a “dismissive/advoidant” and it affects every aspect of his life. He’s only comfortable with casual relationships and has an awful time with intimacy. This is largely because his mother abandoned him as a child.

I experienced all the things you are saying for 13 years and I recently asked for a separation, as a result. I have days where I hope and pray he’ll turn the corner, for the sake of our family but with his avoidant traits, I have to be comfortable with the fact this may never happen.

Best wishes to you and your families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the person who keeps saying this is manufactured drama? It’s not outrageous to want a spouse who meets your emotional needs. That’s what marriage is supposed to be about.

It’s in men’s best interest to meet their partner’s needs. My SO meets mine so I meet his. Usually 2-3 times a day.

Not that PP. In fact that pp used that phrase to describe my post and I definitely do not manufacture emotional needs.

But you have to remember that emotional needs are almost entirely a female concept on which bored females dwell (yes I am female). You need to cut it in half and throw it out. Lighten up. You dig yourselves deeper and deeper into misery if you dwell on things excessively.

Find some fricking joy people!

PP here, and I think that’s kind of BS. I mean, you could also say sexual needs are a male concept on which bored males dwell, and they should cut it in half and quit dwelling.

I’m not saying I expect my partner to hold me while I cry an hour a day. But he takes a genuine interest and always makes time for me if I need it. In return, I happily have sex whenever he wants.

I don't think it BS. Dumb women who aren't intellectually stimulated use all their mental power thinking up problems and needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the person who keeps saying this is manufactured drama? It’s not outrageous to want a spouse who meets your emotional needs. That’s what marriage is supposed to be about.

It’s in men’s best interest to meet their partner’s needs. My SO meets mine so I meet his. Usually 2-3 times a day.

Not that PP. In fact that pp used that phrase to describe my post and I definitely do not manufacture emotional needs.

But you have to remember that emotional needs are almost entirely a female concept on which bored females dwell (yes I am female). You need to cut it in half and throw it out. Lighten up. You dig yourselves deeper and deeper into misery if you dwell on things excessively.

Find some fricking joy people!

PP here, and I think that’s kind of BS. I mean, you could also say sexual needs are a male concept on which bored males dwell, and they should cut it in half and quit dwelling.

I’m not saying I expect my partner to hold me while I cry an hour a day. But he takes a genuine interest and always makes time for me if I need it. In return, I happily have sex whenever he wants.

DW doesn’t meet my sexual needs so why should I meet her emotional needs...

OP, you're gonna have to develop or fake an interest in martial arts. Watch UFC fights with him or whatever.