Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 11:11     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
OP, there is a lot of life experience on DCUM, and I’m hoping that you see the pattern of responses.

The only thing I’d say is to issue an ultimatum to yourself, and not to him. Give yourself a timeline to get out if he hasn’t started addressing this seriously. Two years in, you shouldn’t be tiptoeing around expressions of love, or serious expressions of a future life together. These are supposed to be the sweet years of your relationship, before real life becomes hard. If he can’t navigate this part, he’s never going to be able to navigate the really hard parts later on. Stop lapping up his crumbs and realize there are men out there who will be happy with nothing less than giving you the whole cake, happily, willingly, and without question.

And, this isn’t an insult, but understand that pretty much every torn up woman in a bad relationship has uttered the words “but I love him”. Loving him isn’t going to change him, and it’s not doing you any good, either.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 11:06     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:OMG, run. You deserve so much more.

Signed,


Divorced lady


+100

I will never again ask, beg, plead, wait, etc for someone to fully care about having a life with me.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 11:05     Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
In any case, he's been saying for a while that he wants to spend his life with me,

1. is he like this in every major life decision he makes?
2. he says he wants to spend his life with you, but as what? Just BF/GF ? I'm thinking his timeline is different from yours. As a PP stated, it happens.. two people in a relationship may not be in the same place in their lives. He wants to spend his life with you.. as it is right now? Ask him.. "what does that mean when you say you want to spend your life with me? Does that mean you want to get married or just live together?

I told my DH early on in our relationship (we were both in our 30s) that at some point in my life, I wanted to get married. Maybe not necessarily to him, but eventually, I do want to get married.. that's what I see for myself. Ask him if he sees himself getting married and having kids (assume you want kids), and if he says yes, then let him know that as a woman you have a tighter timeline than he does, meaning biological, and ask him if he understands that.

I don't believe in putting a specific timeline on life events. Even though I wanted to get married at some point it wasn't like I wanted to be marred by x age or after y number of years together. Many men don't like to rush into marriage, which I totally understand, but if he already knows that he wants to spend his life with you, and he is in his 30s (so assume he's mature enough), then I don't understand why after two years the relationship has stalled and you are the only one pushing for things to progress. Say that to him... and see what he says. If he hems and haws and you still don't see much change, then I would seriously think about moving on if you want to eventually get married and have kids. Don't waste your time on a relationship that is going no where.


This. And ask him about kids, and if he says more than one kid, walk him backwards through the timeline. If he wants his second kid to be born by the time he is or you are 37, just for example, that means you need to be preg with #1 around 34/35. So what does that mean for the wedding timing?

If he cannot man up and have a totally normal and age-appropriate life planning conversation without shutting down, get out.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 11:03     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

It’s fine if you want to be with him. There’s a lid for every pot.

Just remember this: this is as good as it gets. He’s never going to change. Every time you’re at a crossroads, every big decision, he’s going to drag his feet even when you KNOW what the right decision is. Marriage, kids, career moves, buying a home, decorating your home, getting a pet, choosing a school for the kids if you’re still young enough to have them when he gives the go ahead...

It’s not that he’s bad or unworthy of love that concerns me. It’s that you’re already frustrated with who he is at his core when you’re only 2 years in, when you’re both still on your best behavior. Imagine dealing with his decision related paralysis when you’re sleep deprived with 2 under 2 trying to keep your career from being mommy tracked and he needs his hand held as you’re trying to convince him he needs to rearrange his work schedule so he can help with daycare drop offs or that you need more space and a bigger home. Things are optimal and stress free right now, and while the rewards grow over time, so does the stress. It’s not going to get easier.


This is so true.


This writer needs an advice column. Totally correct.

OP, dump him and find a partner who’s as engaged in life and the relationship as you are.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 10:55     Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
In any case, he's been saying for a while that he wants to spend his life with me,

1. is he like this in every major life decision he makes?
2. he says he wants to spend his life with you, but as what? Just BF/GF ? I'm thinking his timeline is different from yours. As a PP stated, it happens.. two people in a relationship may not be in the same place in their lives. He wants to spend his life with you.. as it is right now? Ask him.. "what does that mean when you say you want to spend your life with me? Does that mean you want to get married or just live together?

I told my DH early on in our relationship (we were both in our 30s) that at some point in my life, I wanted to get married. Maybe not necessarily to him, but eventually, I do want to get married.. that's what I see for myself. Ask him if he sees himself getting married and having kids (assume you want kids), and if he says yes, then let him know that as a woman you have a tighter timeline than he does, meaning biological, and ask him if he understands that.

I don't believe in putting a specific timeline on life events. Even though I wanted to get married at some point it wasn't like I wanted to be marred by x age or after y number of years together. Many men don't like to rush into marriage, which I totally understand, but if he already knows that he wants to spend his life with you, and he is in his 30s (so assume he's mature enough), then I don't understand why after two years the relationship has stalled and you are the only one pushing for things to progress. Say that to him... and see what he says. If he hems and haws and you still don't see much change, then I would seriously think about moving on if you want to eventually get married and have kids. Don't waste your time on a relationship that is going no where.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 10:23     Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
In any case, he's been saying for a while that he wants to spend his life with me,


op, it doesn't matter what he says, it's what he does.

You've made it clear you're ready for the next step. He's made it clear he's not, but also won't even acknowledge but directly. He just puts you off.

Please...I've btdt, wasted my best years trying to be understanding.

Met my now DH at 36, and we were engaged 11 months into dating, married (and pregnant) 6 months after that. It worked out but trust me that meeting a good match is easier at 32 than 36 and definitely at 40, esp if you want kids.

It shouldn't be this hard. I know breaking up seems awful but you will find out fast whether he actually means what he says.

And you should never feel that by expressing love (2 years in!!) You've done something wrong. He is the problem, not you.


Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 10:13     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
OMG, run. You deserve so much more.

Signed,


Divorced lady
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 10:08     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:OP- just want to say as someone who spent way too long with a guy who I loved desperately, who was never fully *there* with me: It's so much better and easier with someone who can't wait to live with you and share your lives.

You love this guy, he makes you happy when you're together - but he makes you very unhappy a lot of the time, too. It doesn't have to be like this.

I don't usually go in for ultimatums, and I don't think you should do that here, either. It just shouldn't be this hard. You shouldn't feel like expressing your love and commitment to someone - after this long together - is going to doom your relationship.

Dump this guy. Give yourself some time to grieve. Then go out and find yourself a partner who is really a partner to you.

I'm sorry - I know how hard this is. TRUST me I know. If you let go now, you give yourself a chance for something better.



^ Me again - I should have said. I did meet, and marry, the guy who was all in with me when I was in my mid-30s. It was later than a lot of people get married. I am glad I waited. This guy I married tells me he loves me a hundred times a day. Life isn't like walking around in heaven on a cloud - certainly, we have our issues, too - but I never, ever, ever doubt his commitment to me. You can find this, too. I know you can. There is a guy out there who will be over the moon happy to get love notes from you in his laptop case, and you deserve that guy.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 10:06     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
OP- just want to say as someone who spent way too long with a guy who I loved desperately, who was never fully *there* with me: It's so much better and easier with someone who can't wait to live with you and share your lives.

You love this guy, he makes you happy when you're together - but he makes you very unhappy a lot of the time, too. It doesn't have to be like this.

I don't usually go in for ultimatums, and I don't think you should do that here, either. It just shouldn't be this hard. You shouldn't feel like expressing your love and commitment to someone - after this long together - is going to doom your relationship.

Dump this guy. Give yourself some time to grieve. Then go out and find yourself a partner who is really a partner to you.

I'm sorry - I know how hard this is. TRUST me I know. If you let go now, you give yourself a chance for something better.

Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 10:00     Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
OP, this is coming from someone who married a man just like you described. It will be like that for your whole relationship. He will NEVER take the lead or the initiative, you will have to push, and wait, and push, and wait. This can really do a number on your self esteem and if you marry him, you will always wonder why you were always the one driving the relationship and why you pushed so hard with someone who had no real desire or will to move forward with you. It’s not that he doesn’t “love” you or want to spend the rest of his life with you, it’s that he is averse to change and fears it. He becomes comfortable with the current routine and never will wish for more.

So you have to decide if a) you really want to be with someone who will be like that for the rest of his life and b) you are ok with being the driver for the relationship forevermore.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 09:55     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?

Why do you want to spend your life with him? Let’s start there.


He's truly my best friend. I enjoy our time together very much. I'm really happy when I'm with him.


But he is not yours. If he wanted to be you with, he would. Watch "he's just not that into you". Take the clues he is giving you and move on with someone who would be jumping at the opportunity to move in with you and introduce you to their family and friends. It really should be this hard and you shouldn't have to prompt him to move forward.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 09:46     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?


Early 30s


Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.


What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?


You have had conversations with him. You have waited.

What you see is who and what he is. You have all of the information you need.

Is this what you want? If it isn't, then move along.

Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 09:43     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?


Early 30s


Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.


What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?


Move on. I married my best friend because I was over the moon in love, even though he’s on the spectrum. (Didn’t know it at the time, just that he was “quirky” and slow to make decisions, among other things.) I wouldn’t say I regret it, but damn life is so freaking hard. So much harder than it should be.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Love doesn’t magically make it easy or right.


I think that’s a little harsh, don’t you? I’m not saying OP should hang around forever, but to suggest she should abruptly leave a man she has clearly stated she loves simply because he hasn’t popped the question on her timeline is ludicrous.


I think you failed to read the rest of OP's post. She has had to drive every normal progression of seriousness in the relationship - meeting family and friends, spending more time together than occasional dates, and now living together, which he won't even acknowledge that she wants to talk about. This isn't someone in a snit because she doesn't have a ring on her finger by Valentines Day.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 09:39     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?


Early 30s


Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.


What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?


I'd sit him down and tell him that you're pretty concerned that you and he aren't on the same page about the things you want in life. Then tell him what you want and some timeline for it and see what happens.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2020 09:36     Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?


Early 30s


+1 to not moving in unless you're engaged. All living together will do is allow him to string this out for even longer.

I am going to give you the advice I always give to women in your situation - if you want marriage and children and you've been with someone for more than two years in your LATE 20's it's time to be explicit with your partner and stick to your guns. Otherwise, you're wasting time when you could be finding someone that actually wants to build a life with you.

I would not give this relationship any more than one more year. 6 months, if he really won't discuss engagement, marriage, and children.