Anonymous wrote:^Some women just don't want to be around MILs no matter what though -- no matter how nice or kind or helpful they are. I'm seeing it right now with a friend of mine who is getting married. MIL is across the country and is just trying to get to know my friend w/o being overly involved -- not telling her what type of dress to get, not inviting herself to wedding planning things etc. Yet if she so much as sends an email or a text, friend -- who is nice to EVERYONE else -- gets an attitude and tells fiance to deal with his own mother etc. There is literally nothing that side of the family can do that will ever be seen as right -- doesn't matter how nice or kind or helpful they are or how much they bend over backwards. PP may be right though -- might be because she has her own very functional family, is close with her own mother/grandmother, has 4 siblings of her own etc. -- so she DOES she it as, why do I need DH's family?? May be different if you have a family that provides something that your DS's family doesn't. But in any event -- a son's a son until he takes a wife. You can call me a terrible future MIL all you want, but this is what I've seen happen over 90% of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

This. You already sound like you’re going to be a terrible MIL, because of your attitude. You should work on developing a positive relationship with DIL and being the most helpful and kind person around so she *wants* to spend time with you.

+1
A freaking MEN to that!

Some women just don't want to be around MILs no matter what though -- no matter how nice or kind or helpful they are. I'm seeing it right now with a friend of mine who is getting married. MIL is across the country and is just trying to get to know my friend w/o being overly involved -- not telling her what type of dress to get, not inviting herself to wedding planning things etc. Yet if she so much as sends an email or a text, friend -- who is nice to EVERYONE else -- gets an attitude and tells fiance to deal with his own mother etc. There is literally nothing that side of the family can do that will ever be seen as right -- doesn't matter how nice or kind or helpful they are or how much they bend over backwards. PP may be right though -- might be because she has her own very functional family, is close with her own mother/grandmother, has 4 siblings of her own etc. -- so she DOES she it as, why do I need DH's family?? May be different if you have a family that provides something that your DS's family doesn't. But in any event -- a son's a son until he takes a wife. You can call me a terrible future MIL all you want, but this is what I've seen happen over 90% of the time.

Anonymous wrote:I have two teen boys, 18 & 16. We are close, but I’m still firm with them, otherwise they’d walk all over me.

I think they tell me more than than share with my husband, but that’s mainly because they are so much like their dad. Even though they give me anxiety and we’ve had a lot of bumps in the road, they’re still my boys. They love to have a mom backscratch or for me to play with their heart while they lounge on the couch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

This. You already sound like you’re going to be a terrible MIL, because of your attitude. You should work on developing a positive relationship with DIL and being the most helpful and kind person around so she *wants* to spend time with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead to the future makes me so sad. I have trouble thinking to the future. My dh is a good son but is too busy for his parents. He never calls, never thinks of gifts. Dh is so incredibly overworked by his job (it is a public position) that he has only time for his family. He puts us first and tries so hard but yeah we don’t visit his parents much (8x a year?). They complain nonstop and never visit us. They’ve never once helped me. Last fall he was gone 3 weekends a month (Normal)and they wanted us his only weekend home at all. Hell no. They refer to home as his hometown but we live 4 hours away. I have a newborn as well as a toddler.

I can’t imagine life like that and I imagine it makes lots of boy moms not even care anymore. Boy moms abandon their sons when they need help because only the DILs need help. It’s all BS they tell themselves. I love my son and will treat both equally. I will hopefully raise him to call but I know my in-laws did that. Not sure what the answer is.

Nothing stopping you from building a relationship with them. You can call, send pictures and invite them to visit. I did that with my MIL who wasn't close to my husband. I became closer to her than he did. She was very loving and kind to me.

Anonymous wrote:^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

Anonymous wrote:16.5 yo and 12.5 yo boys here. I am close with both of them and they have drastically different personalities; I try to meet them where they are even if I’m uncomfortable. I also try to say “Ok” whenever they say, “can I tell you something” regardless of how tired or almost asleep I am. Because that something could be “I just let the biggest fart” or “I had a terrible day” I never know which.

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10yr old boy with dyslexia and he's quiet; prefers reading or screens to anybody. I'm trying to connect but most of our time is working through challenges.

Any tips? I do try to do things just 1:1 with him but wish he would just talk to me more.

I think he's having a difficult time in school so doesn't really want to talk about his day and when he does something else (without me) he doesn't really talk about it.

We do snuggle daily. Maybe it's his age?

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10yr old boy with dyslexia and he's quiet; prefers reading or screens to anybody. I'm trying to connect but most of our time is working through challenges.

Any tips? I do try to do things just 1:1 with him but wish he would just talk to me more.

I think he's having a difficult time in school so doesn't really want to talk about his day and when he does something else (without me) he doesn't really talk about it.

We do snuggle daily. Maybe it's his age?