Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 16:01     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
NP. This is my parent's unhealthy marriage. If it helps, this is what they have done:

1) moved into a MUCH smaller place which appears to limit the hoarding. My dad did all the moving with professional help and lots of stuff was trashed.

2) Separate rooms with no rules on how each treated the other room but no entering each other's room.

3) hoarding only allowed in personal room and half of garage.

4) daily cleaner for an hour (think neighborhood high school student) for kitchen only (also seems to be major issue)

My parents have been married for 50 years and are 70. They love each other, travel together, raised a couple great kids together. I never wanted a marriage like theirs but now that I'm in my own unhealthy marriage with different problems, I have a lot of respect for them.

Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 15:52     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:My sister is about to marry a guy with what I would call severe ADD. This makes me sad for me. They have lived together a few months, but I don’t that kid free, small apartment living is the best representation of what lies ahead for them.


Help her! Stop her!

Only let her do it if they agree No Kids. She likely does t realize she’s easily doing everything now, but once kids comes that breeds resentment and marriage death knell.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 15:42     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
I agree with others focusing on the CPAP. He has a serious medical condition he is choosing not to treat, and that lack of treatment is impacting the household, your sleep, his health, etc. it’s unacceptable and if he is unwilling to actively and urgently work with a doctor to solve it you cannot stay in the marriage. CPAP was game changing for my husbands health and my sleep.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 15:37     Subject: Re:I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:Loud snoring is a symptom of sleep apnea. The effects of long term sleep apnea mimic ADHD to the extent that sometimes adhd disappears when the apnea is treated. Your first step is to do a sleep study with a sleep medicine doctor or EN T.


This is really important, OP.

Chronic lack of sleep can mimic severe ADD, it also has significant health risks, including the elevated blood pressure he referred to. If the CPAP is uncomfortable, that needs to be addressed. Your lives may be being held hostage to a very treatable condition.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 15:19     Subject: Re:I'm Drowning Here
Can you do anything to make his old room comfortable for him again? New bed? You were sleeping in separate rooms for a valid reason. He shouldn't get to unilaterally decide that you are no longer entitled to peaceful sleep.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 14:33     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you so much for these responses. They have all been so helpful and given me some ideas. I am going to have the either we fix this or it’s end of us talk this weekend.


OP- I live in a family of people with various diagnosed and undiagnosed ADD. The anxiety makes the symptoms much worse. Before heading to divorce, tell your DH he needs to consider cognitive behavioral therapy. It will help with the anxiety. He also needs a very set, very explicit routine at home. Think about what would help you the most-- maybe he gets a "room to toss his stuff into" if a massive cleaning project is too overwhelming.
ADD is not a condition of selfishness or immaturity-- it's a brain based struggle. I'm not saying you should sacrifice your life or be miserable if things aren't working out, but there are strategies that can help your DH. Also, consider that his medication is wearing off by the evening most likely-- it might be that he could really help you (in a meaningful way) with the house work on the weekend mornings.
I just know from working with my own son that people with ADD need manageable strategies to get them through life's executive functioning challenges.
If there are things that you still love and appreciate about your DH, work with him on some strategies-- ultimatums don't really help, because again, he will be well-intentioned, but won't hold up his end because he doesn't have a good plan in place.


Thanks for this. He has two offices. So our children have one bedroom each; my husband has two offices filled with junk but really only works from one (just stores junk in the other one) and then we have our bedroom. So our five bedroom at this point are all occupied. A couple of weeks ago I told him one office space has to be mine. I have a hobby that I love and have been unable to engage in because I need a good amount of space to do it. To his credit it looks much better than it did before but nowhere near the level it would need to be for regular use.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 10:18     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No advice. Just sympathy. My wife has severe ADHD along with a suite of other vaguely defined mental health issues. But yes the piles. And yes the absolute disastrous mess everywhere. And thanks to our county ceasing glass recycling we’ve now added boxes and stacks of glass bottles all over the place until she can take them somewhere for recycling. Never happens. But she really cares for the environment! Her home and family, not so much.

Anyway, I feel for you. Sorry to say nothing will help. People are who they are.


You sound like a catch.


He sounds realistic about what his life is like. I tend to agree nothing will help, and the only question is whether and how long he can stand it.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 10:08     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:No advice. Just sympathy. My wife has severe ADHD along with a suite of other vaguely defined mental health issues. But yes the piles. And yes the absolute disastrous mess everywhere. And thanks to our county ceasing glass recycling we’ve now added boxes and stacks of glass bottles all over the place until she can take them somewhere for recycling. Never happens. But she really cares for the environment! Her home and family, not so much.

Anyway, I feel for you. Sorry to say nothing will help. People are who they are.


You sound like a catch.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 09:45     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:My sister is about to marry a guy with what I would call severe ADD. This makes me sad for me. They have lived together a few months, but I don’t that kid free, small apartment living is the best representation of what lies ahead for them.



Oh ffs
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 09:27     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Does he have a desk or office area that’s his?
Let him know before hand that you want the rest of the house clean and he can do what he wants with his personal space.
Then Start putting his piles of crap in his office.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 08:26     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you so much for these responses. They have all been so helpful and given me some ideas. I am going to have the either we fix this or it’s end of us talk this weekend.


OP- I live in a family of people with various diagnosed and undiagnosed ADD. The anxiety makes the symptoms much worse. Before heading to divorce, tell your DH he needs to consider cognitive behavioral therapy. It will help with the anxiety. He also needs a very set, very explicit routine at home. Think about what would help you the most-- maybe he gets a "room to toss his stuff into" if a massive cleaning project is too overwhelming.
ADD is not a condition of selfishness or immaturity-- it's a brain based struggle. I'm not saying you should sacrifice your life or be miserable if things aren't working out, but there are strategies that can help your DH. Also, consider that his medication is wearing off by the evening most likely-- it might be that he could really help you (in a meaningful way) with the house work on the weekend mornings.
I just know from working with my own son that people with ADD need manageable strategies to get them through life's executive functioning challenges.
If there are things that you still love and appreciate about your DH, work with him on some strategies-- ultimatums don't really help, because again, he will be well-intentioned, but won't hold up his end because he doesn't have a good plan in place.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 07:55     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
Anonymous wrote:No advice. Just sympathy. My wife has severe ADHD along with a suite of other vaguely defined mental health issues. But yes the piles. And yes the absolute disastrous mess everywhere. And thanks to our county ceasing glass recycling we’ve now added boxes and stacks of glass bottles all over the place until she can take them somewhere for recycling. Never happens. But she really cares for the environment! Her home and family, not so much.

Anyway, I feel for you. Sorry to say nothing will help. People are who they are.


do you live in the house? Then you probably ate or drank smthg that came from those glass bottles. Maybe you should be the one to take them to county recycling.


Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 02:03     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
I am the OP of the thread about DH becoming a hoarder. I don't want to divorce, but I can't keep living this way. Let me tell you, what you see now will get worse. Unless your DH is willing to try to get help (and mine won't), this will just get worse and worse. You may be better off cutting your kisses early and giving your kids at least one stable, clean place.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 01:53     Subject: I'm Drowning Here
This is OP. Thank you so much for these responses. They have all been so helpful and given me some ideas. I am going to have the either we fix this or it’s end of us talk this weekend.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2020 01:11     Subject: I'm Drowning Here

I know this isn't the end all be all answer you're looking for, but you should get yourself a roomba or iRobot.

That will definitely help with your frustration, at least with the food on the floor... and... well... it's one small victory, right? Just need a few of those in a row to make a big victory.

You should read the other thread on here asking if your spouse has become a hoarder -- it sounds like you have a lot in common and can possibly support one another?