This is my situation with my parents and the answer is once a year.

My parents are on the West Coast and they visit us once a year, and we visit them once every other year. When we visit them I go alone with the kids; DH does not want to take the vacation time to see them. We only go every other year because visiting them is not fun; their house has no toys, they don't do anything to prepare for our visit (no suggestions of places to go or things to do), and they live in a small town that has nothing kid-friendly to do other than a library, which we go to every day, and they don't like to leave the house in general, so if we do leave the house it's for an hour or two before they want to come back and watch TV. Between the 6 hour plane ride and the 2 hour drive to get to their town, and the lack of anything to do there, it doesn't seem reasonable to go every year.

DH's parents live a 10 hour drive away. We see them more often, usually 3 times a year--we go once a year and they visit here once a year, and we do a joint vacation once a year. Visiting them is much more pleasant because they have toys at their house, they live in a major city with lots to do, and they're always suggesting fun things for our visit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would switch to only having the related parent go on these visits and then maybe extend to include both the weekend before and after (so a total of 9 days). That would mean you each spend 5 vacation days visiting your own parents with the kids. Then again each related parent can take off up to 5 days for when their own parents visit. Then you have the 5 days for the holidays and 5 days to use with just your own nuclear family.

Not op but that makes it harder. Everything is harder at grandparents house. Kids don’t sleep at all, don’t nap, are grumpy and grandparents do the opposite of help. I can’t imagine either of us visiting parents without the other. I could do a regular vacation without Dh but not grandparents.

This is why zero is the only answer. You’re already in crazy territory.

And you know what? It’s NEVER going to be enough. You’re devoting every vacation day to grandparents and they’re complaining. The time to reset expectations is when your first (or second) child is born. You’re late to the game already. What you’re doing is unsustainable and complete insanity. You can start with reasonable anytime.

Since they are both East coast based, but apart from one another based on your description, is there a way to leave on a Friday night red eye/early Saturday morning, spend four days with one then fly to the next one for the remainder of the week (and fly home Saturday?)

It sounds like a lot but the ticket from grandparent to grandparent on the same coast might be cheaper than flying twice roundtrip from your city and you'd be using a weeks vacation to hit both sets. Just a thought.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would switch to only having the related parent go on these visits and then maybe extend to include both the weekend before and after (so a total of 9 days). That would mean you each spend 5 vacation days visiting your own parents with the kids. Then again each related parent can take off up to 5 days for when their own parents visit. Then you have the 5 days for the holidays and 5 days to use with just your own nuclear family.

Not op but that makes it harder. Everything is harder at grandparents house. Kids don’t sleep at all, don’t nap, are grumpy and grandparents do the opposite of help. I can’t imagine either of us visiting parents without the other. I could do a regular vacation without Dh but not grandparents.

Zero is the only reasonable answer.

As much as possible.

Personally, I would switch to only having the related parent go on these visits and then maybe extend to include both the weekend before and after (so a total of 9 days). That would mean you each spend 5 vacation days visiting your own parents with the kids. Then again each related parent can take off up to 5 days for when their own parents visit. Then you have the 5 days for the holidays and 5 days to use with just your own nuclear family.

Zero is the right answer in my humble opinion. Our door is always open and grandparents know they can come anytime. They each come once a year for 7-10 days and we all have a great time.

BUT. The amount of pressure we get to visit is crazy. We do visit, probably one set of grandparents every 12-18 months. My ILs are forever pushing for more more more, including having a commitment to do Christmas at theirs every other year. No thank you. I'd like to do Christmas in my own house, thank you.

So it sounds like currently at least 15 out of your 20 vacation days per year are dedicated to grandparent visits (either when you go to them or when they come to you.) that might be ok when your kids are young and travel w just your nuclear family isn’t as desirable but is not sustainable in my opinion as the kids get older. When your kids are 4-5+ or maybe even sooner, you’ll probably want to go on other family trips to other places than just visiting grandparents every year, right? It’s unreasonable and unfair for your in laws to expect you to come there more often or to make you feel guilty about it. I understand they want to see you more often but it’s unrealistic of them to expect that.

Currently on a beach vacation with a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old and they are sleeping horribly, one got the stomach flu and the other keeps waking up every couple of hours (does not do this at home). PASS.

1 visit per grandparent set per year around the holidays max and they can come visit us. Toddlers don’t all travel well so depends on yours. No more beach vacations for another year or two.

There are rental companies that you can rent bikes and cribs and things from

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I aim for once per year for each. A long weekend or something just isn't practical, so for our 20 vacation days a year I think 5 to visit one set of grandparents, 5 to visit other set, 5 for extra around holidays, and 5 to make long weekends or whatever when grandparents visit us.

ILs are acting like thats waaaaay too little and DH is getting sucked into it with the "they've waited their whole lives to host their grandkids, they've been dreaming of this for ever and we're their only family, they may only have 10 more good years, this is all fil lives for..." etc etc etc

They buy tooooons of stuff for our visits (toddler bikes, toddler beds, age specific type stuff) which is sweet i guess to make it easier but then act so hurt that'll only get one or two uses

Practically it'd be very difficult to go more so its kind of a moot point but i'm tired of them acting like i'm the mean dil preventing them from living our their dream of showing off their grandkids regularly to all their friends

OP you guys are nuts! You’re devoting ALL vacation days to grandparents! This a recipe for disaster. You NEED time for your own family vacations too! This is crazy!

OP here - I aim for once per year for each. A long weekend or something just isn't practical, so for our 20 vacation days a year I think 5 to visit one set of grandparents, 5 to visit other set, 5 for extra around holidays, and 5 to make long weekends or whatever when grandparents visit us.

ILs are acting like thats waaaaay too little and DH is getting sucked into it with the "they've waited their whole lives to host their grandkids, they've been dreaming of this for ever and we're their only family, they may only have 10 more good years, this is all fil lives for..." etc etc etc

They buy tooooons of stuff for our visits (toddler bikes, toddler beds, age specific type stuff) which is sweet i guess to make it easier but then act so hurt that'll only get one or two uses

Practically it'd be very difficult to go more so its kind of a moot point but i'm tired of them acting like i'm the mean dil preventing them from living our their dream of showing off their grandkids regularly to all their friends

I think there is no answer that will guarantee you won’t get pressure. Just guessing bc I don’t know your parents and in-laws, but I am pretty sure I am right.

I'd visit each once per year, plus then invite each on one of your vacations a year. That's what I do for my parents who live in FL.

I think visiting you every 6 weeks would be the max