Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who SAH for a while and then went back to work part-time (3 days 9-4) and confided to me she’s going to let everyone think she works full time (and she kept her full time nanny). So she looks like she “does it all” and is really active volunteering at school etc.

I’m confused. Why did she have a full time nanny in the first place (that she “kept”) if she was a SAHM?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t know this type.

Maybe it’s because I was a WOHM prior to being a SAHM? I tend to see these as real emergencies rather than people trying to take advantage of me. In fact, I know a lot of two-physician couples, and I offer all of the time to be emergency back up care if their nanny is sick or some other emergency comes up.

No. It's a type. And you can tell who they are by the third request. You'd be shocked.

Agree, it’s a type. I have gotten better about identifying it early and cutting off requests. I’m happy to help friends but not users, and there is a big difference.

It’s totally a type. They like to throw the phrase “it takes a village!” around to make you feel like a real a-hole if you turn them down.

A good strategy is to “miss” their text until it’s too late.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another SAHM here and never in 10 yrs has this happened. Sure, we carpool, drop off play dates, etc but it is all reciprocated/even as out. It is called friendship; that is what friends do.

OP- are you saying "strangers" from school are asking you to cover for them? That makes no sense. And last minute on top of that - as in their kid is sick and so they want you, whom you're not friends with/know nothing about, want you to watch their sick kid??

Can you explain OP? This doesn't add up.

OP is not talking about real friends, nor actual strangers. These are people who you think are becoming your friends, until one day you realize you don't really know them very well even if you have known them for years, and that to them, you are not a friend (someone they would invite over for family pizza or go out on a double date with), but a convenient favor-doer for whom they will never reciprocate.

This. Or, for example, the person is two hours later than the agreed pick up and I find out they decided to sneak in a run and shower without consulting me.

Yep. Had this happen. Watched a friend’s newborn while she went to her OB appointment. She figured it would be fine to hit up Target on her way home. Even got a coffee but didn’t bring me one! Meanwhile her baby is totally over it and just wants the boob.

Also helped an acquaintance whose daycare was closing for the day because she needed 6am help. Got myself up, dressed, waited. She called to say she slept in and would be over soon. Two hours later and I could have still been sleeping.

People ARE users be glad you haven’t met them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another SAHM here and never in 10 yrs has this happened. Sure, we carpool, drop off play dates, etc but it is all reciprocated/even as out. It is called friendship; that is what friends do.

OP- are you saying "strangers" from school are asking you to cover for them? That makes no sense. And last minute on top of that - as in their kid is sick and so they want you, whom you're not friends with/know nothing about, want you to watch their sick kid??

Can you explain OP? This doesn't add up.

OP is not talking about real friends, nor actual strangers. These are people who you think are becoming your friends, until one day you realize you don't really know them very well even if you have known them for years, and that to them, you are not a friend (someone they would invite over for family pizza or go out on a double date with), but a convenient favor-doer for whom they will never reciprocate.

This. Or, for example, the person is two hours later than the agreed pick up and I find out they decided to sneak in a run and shower without consulting me.

I'm the teacher PP. Or, for example, they're late because they went to happy hour with others in the neighborhood that you're friendly with but they didn't invite you and instead used you for childcare. Yup, that happened. Now we are conveniently "just not sure yet" when she asks what camps my kids are going to this summer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another SAHM here and never in 10 yrs has this happened. Sure, we carpool, drop off play dates, etc but it is all reciprocated/even as out. It is called friendship; that is what friends do.

OP- are you saying "strangers" from school are asking you to cover for them? That makes no sense. And last minute on top of that - as in their kid is sick and so they want you, whom you're not friends with/know nothing about, want you to watch their sick kid??

Can you explain OP? This doesn't add up.

OP is not talking about real friends, nor actual strangers. These are people who you think are becoming your friends, until one day you realize you don't really know them very well even if you have known them for years, and that to them, you are not a friend (someone they would invite over for family pizza or go out on a double date with), but a convenient favor-doer for whom they will never reciprocate.

This. Or, for example, the person is two hours later than the agreed pick up and I find out they decided to sneak in a run and shower without consulting me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t know this type.

Maybe it’s because I was a WOHM prior to being a SAHM? I tend to see these as real emergencies rather than people trying to take advantage of me. In fact, I know a lot of two-physician couples, and I offer all of the time to be emergency back up care if their nanny is sick or some other emergency comes up.

No. It's a type. And you can tell who they are by the third request. You'd be shocked.

Agree, it’s a type. I have gotten better about identifying it early and cutting off requests. I’m happy to help friends but not users, and there is a big difference.

It’s totally a type. They like to throw the phrase “it takes a village!” around to make you feel like a real a-hole if you turn them down.

Yes!! The askers are always saying it takes a village. Everyone else seems to get it done on their own or hire a sitter.

You seem to imply that "getting it done" on your own is somehow a virtue. I get why you'd want to avoid users or super flaky families, but I there's a happy medium out there.

Anonymous wrote:Yet another SAHM here and never in 10 yrs has this happened. Sure, we carpool, drop off play dates, etc but it is all reciprocated/even as out. It is called friendship; that is what friends do.

OP- are you saying "strangers" from school are asking you to cover for them? That makes no sense. And last minute on top of that - as in their kid is sick and so they want you, whom you're not friends with/know nothing about, want you to watch their sick kid??

Can you explain OP? This doesn't add up.

OP is not talking about real friends, nor actual strangers. These are people who you think are becoming your friends, until one day you realize you don't really know them very well even if you have known them for years, and that to them, you are not a friend (someone they would invite over for family pizza or go out on a double date with), but a convenient favor-doer for whom they will never reciprocate.

SAHM of 10 yrs. The only time I’ve ever been asked to help is by other SAHM friends since we are reliant on the schedule of babysitters for daytime things. I’ve watched children of friends who need a haircut or a dentist visit and can’t find a sitter. But this is rare and now most of our kids are school aged so it isn’t as hard. We all help each other as needed. I’ve dropped 2 of my kids off at a friend’s house in the evening so I could take the third to the ER with about 5 min notice. This is what friends are for.

Anonymous wrote:No, I am ok just saying no repeatedly.

+ 1

I am always busy. Always. My family, my house, my self, my hobbies and causes always need my attention.

I've been at home for about eight years and have never once been asked this.

Just say no. Over and over, don’t apologize “I’m so sorry! I wish I could help!” <—- never, ever utter those words.

I am abrupt with those who don’t take no as an answer. “No, that’s not possible.”

I WFH. Some people don’t see my job as “real” as theirs....super annoying. Just because I’m at home (and working) doesn’t mean you can dump your sick & whiny kid (who wants his mom/dad, understandably- mine would too) here to get my family vomiting along with him. For true friends, we do favors for one another naturally; there is a different feel to it and, even then, “no” is ok as needed.

OP if people are really persistent, it's ok to call them on it so the requests don't keep coming. Phrase it how it would sound best to you, but in those cases I've said that because of my own commitments I'm really not available for backup care/carpooling/snow day sitting/etc.

Don't get me wrong - I'm more than happy to help out a friend when they need it, but the takers are different and can be pretty pushy and it feels disrespectful to my time to be used for free sitting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t know this type.

Maybe it’s because I was a WOHM prior to being a SAHM? I tend to see these as real emergencies rather than people trying to take advantage of me. In fact, I know a lot of two-physician couples, and I offer all of the time to be emergency back up care if their nanny is sick or some other emergency comes up.

No. It's a type. And you can tell who they are by the third request. You'd be shocked.

Agree, it’s a type. I have gotten better about identifying it early and cutting off requests. I’m happy to help friends but not users, and there is a big difference.

It’s totally a type. They like to throw the phrase “it takes a village!” around to make you feel like a real a-hole if you turn them down.

Yes!! The askers are always saying it takes a village. Everyone else seems to get it done on their own or hire a sitter.

I'm a teacher and do this in the summer sometimes when people come out of the woodwork asking me for childcare favors that I'd rather not do. I'm fine with a few one off situations, but some parents have actually asked if I'll take their kid home from camp with mine so they don't have to pay for aftercare. I'm happy to do that once or twice for a playdate if it's a kid mine wants to have a playdate with, but I'm not going to be your childcare option.

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who SAH for a while and then went back to work part-time (3 days 9-4) and confided to me she’s going to let everyone think she works full time (and she kept her full time nanny). So she looks like she “does it all” and is really active volunteering at school etc.

Sounds like a very unhealthy mental issue; anxiety, low self esteem, control freak.