Anonymous wrote:OP I will let you in on something - you married a MAN, not a woman. Your expectations are entirely female.

And for what its worth, yes I am a woman, married to a man. I know what I'm talking about.

He probably understands you plenty.

I agree with the first half, but not the second half. The man doesn't understand her plenty. That's the issue. Even my DH, whom I have a great relationship with, says that women are a conundrum.

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Why stay with a man who doesn’t care about your feelings? Leave the self centered jerk.

By which logic, no man should ever stay with a woman, because no woman ever cares about a man's feelings. If you are dumb enough to reveal your feelings to her, she will only despise you.

Most women care very much about a man’s feelings. In fact, when women say they want security in a marriage, they are usually talking about shared trust and a mutual understanding of each other’s feelings, worries, and desires.

Men always think women are talking about money, though. So they never understand why their wives feel insecure, particularly when they have a large bank account.

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Anonymous wrote:Straight up what some of y’all need to realize is that the changes you wanna see happen ain’t gonna happen overnight. Dude ain’t gonna go from routinely saying, “Oh that’s not true” and shifting the conversation elsewhere to all the sudden saying, “I understand how you feel honey” and being all Super Empathetic Man in 24hours. Takes time. Have some patience after you bring this shit to dudes attention.

OP here. I agree with this, and I actually said this last night during our most recent conversation. I don't expect any magic. I don't expect an instant change. But at the very least, I just want him to understand/acknowledge that there is a problem. In his mind, he's not wrong and I'm the problem. To him, I need to stop bringing things up and I need not worry about my emotional needs (because I'm just dramatic and those needs don't exist). So how can you even make a start when we can't even agree that there's a problem?

He's right. You are the problem. You want your feelings validated. That's your problem, and you're trying to make it his.

DP. In a marriage, that is a shared problem.

Why stay with a man who doesn’t care about your feelings? Leave the self centered jerk.

By which logic, no man should ever stay with a woman, because no woman ever cares about a man's feelings. If you are dumb enough to reveal your feelings to her, she will only despise you.

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Anonymous wrote:Straight up what some of y’all need to realize is that the changes you wanna see happen ain’t gonna happen overnight. Dude ain’t gonna go from routinely saying, “Oh that’s not true” and shifting the conversation elsewhere to all the sudden saying, “I understand how you feel honey” and being all Super Empathetic Man in 24hours. Takes time. Have some patience after you bring this shit to dudes attention.

OP here. I agree with this, and I actually said this last night during our most recent conversation. I don't expect any magic. I don't expect an instant change. But at the very least, I just want him to understand/acknowledge that there is a problem. In his mind, he's not wrong and I'm the problem. To him, I need to stop bringing things up and I need not worry about my emotional needs (because I'm just dramatic and those needs don't exist). So how can you even make a start when we can't even agree that there's a problem?

He's right. You are the problem. You want your feelings validated. That's your problem, and you're trying to make it his.

OP I will let you in on something - you married a MAN, not a woman. Your expectations are entirely female.

And for what its worth, yes I am a woman, married to a man. I know what I'm talking about.

He probably understands you plenty.

I think there is a dual mismatch. You don't understand him and he doesn't understand you. I think sometimes women want their spouses to have a woman's brain and to think like them and they get frustrated when they don't.

I think a lot of brains work really differently and you will be eternally frustrated if you expect another person to think like you do and to be your brain clone.

Likely he also feels you don't really understand his brain and how he thinks.

It is like love languages, people treat the other person how they themselves want to be treated rather than doing something they wouldn't want but the other person wants. You like gifts, your spouse doesn't - you give them a gift because you wold enjoy it and then get upset when they don't react like you would to receiving a gift.

It is hard to go outside your own head but every easy to judge others for not doing the same.

Show him the nail video on youtube.

Anonymous wrote:Man here, my wife says the same thing about me, although not so much the disrespect part but more that I don't listen and don't understand her on a deep level. That I am too superficial and wouldn't care if she left. It's heartbreaking to hear, it's not true of course but it puts a huge hole in our relationship and our intimate life is horrible and has been for years. I check a lot of boxes on paper for sure, but if she doesn't feel loved it's hard to turn that around.

My recommendation is to try therapy before it's too late which it probably is for us although we are trying to stay together for the kids.

NP here, and I have said some of the same things to my husband, and he responds the same way, telling me that it’s heartbreaking and not true. Our intimate life is fine and probably more adventurous and frequent than before we were married since that’s the only way we really connect at all.

But I don’t understand what he means when he says that it’s not true. I feel like he would care because he wouldn’t like the social stigma of divorce, and he would miss someone cooking his meals, having sex with him, and being generally a good conversationalist. But it doesn’t feel like what he would miss is worth me giving my entire life over to him. So I often wonder what I am doing here. In this life that’s kind of molded around my husband’s. I don’t really even want to be divorced. I just want to be free to live my own life without his judgements or statements that I am breaking his heart.

But then if it really is true, if it really would break his heart, if your wife really would be breaking yours, if he really loves me the way that I love him, then of course, I would give him everything.

I wish I knew if he really loved me or if he just says that because it would be inconvenient for him if I left.

^ OMG, the open marriage troll is back. He instigates these discussions in almost all of the threads here. It’s just best to not take bait and move on. He’s totally useless in any discussion.

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No! Why stay with a man who doesn’t care about your feelings? Leave the self centered jerk.

BUT... if you DO stay married to a man you don’t want sex with (“for the kids” ... “hoping it gets better” .. etc) it is not cheating and he WILL go elsewhere. This is the whole point. If your husband “doesn’t understand you” and that affects your intimacy, just end the marriage. You cannot call him a cheater if you stick around to a man you resent.

of course you can! He's cheating because he is unwilling to address the marital issue. Now, if he has done everything he can to fix the marriage, and the wife still doesn't want to have sex, then he should tell her flat out that this he is going to seek it elsewhere, but he doesn't get to do that without trying to fix the marriage if the wife is also willing to fix it.

That's just having your cake and eating it, too.

And of course he can call the marriage open. He is cheating in order to stay married. Because men do not remain celibate. This is important information for a wife whose "spouse does not understand her" such that she resents him and does not want to be intimate. If you are that wife, divorce your self centered husband (why would you even want to stay?) Otherwise, you must look the other way because the marriage is open.

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Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

IMO.... it seems that men rarely take the initiative to fix a marriage. I find they'd rather ignore it, and then cheat and blame the spouse for the reason why he cheated.

It seems women rarely leave a broken marriage to a man who "just doesn't understand me..." so they grow to despise him while cutting off the sex .... yet stay married to this "self centered jerk". Then when he eventually goes elsewhere (duh!) they call him a "cheater".

This is a chicken and egg scenario. The woman feels that the man has emotionally abandoned her, doesn't respect her feelings, so yea, she doesn't want to have sex with him.

Right, exactly my point. She stays married, on the premise that "he's a good enough provider, not abusive, decent enough father, takes out the trash, etc" but since he doesn't respect her feelings he gets no sex.

All I am saying: if this describes your marriage, Yes he is having sex with other women, and NO he is not a cheater. Do not stay married to a man you don't want sex with. If you do, this is an open marriage.

So, the man gets to basically ignore his wife's feelings while using that as a justification to cheat?

As a PP stated, the wife is staying in the marriage more than likely for the kids maybe with the hope that one day it will get better. But, if the man cheats, it won't get better. It will get worse.

No! Why stay with a man who doesn’t care about your feelings? Leave the self centered jerk.

BUT... if you DO stay married to a man you don’t want sex with (“for the kids” ... “hoping it gets better” .. etc) it is not cheating and he WILL go elsewhere. This is the whole point. If your husband “doesn’t understand you” and that affects your intimacy, just end the marriage. You cannot call him a cheater if you stick around to a man you resent.

of course you can! He's cheating because he is unwilling to address the marital issue. Now, if he has done everything he can to fix the marriage, and the wife still doesn't want to have sex, then he should tell her flat out that this he is going to seek it elsewhere, but he doesn't get to do that without trying to fix the marriage if the wife is also willing to fix it.

That's just having your cake and eating it, too.

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Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

IMO.... it seems that men rarely take the initiative to fix a marriage. I find they'd rather ignore it, and then cheat and blame the spouse for the reason why he cheated.

It seems women rarely leave a broken marriage to a man who "just doesn't understand me..." so they grow to despise him while cutting off the sex .... yet stay married to this "self centered jerk". Then when he eventually goes elsewhere (duh!) they call him a "cheater".

This is a chicken and egg scenario. The woman feels that the man has emotionally abandoned her, doesn't respect her feelings, so yea, she doesn't want to have sex with him.

Right, exactly my point. She stays married, on the premise that "he's a good enough provider, not abusive, decent enough father, takes out the trash, etc" but since he doesn't respect her feelings he gets no sex.

All I am saying: if this describes your marriage, Yes he is having sex with other women, and NO he is not a cheater. Do not stay married to a man you don't want sex with. If you do, this is an open marriage.

So, the man gets to basically ignore his wife's feelings while using that as a justification to cheat?

As a PP stated, the wife is staying in the marriage more than likely for the kids maybe with the hope that one day it will get better. But, if the man cheats, it won't get better. It will get worse.

No! Why stay with a man who doesn’t care about your feelings? Leave the self centered jerk.

BUT... if you DO stay married to a man you don’t want sex with (“for the kids” ... “hoping it gets better” .. etc) it is not cheating and he WILL go elsewhere. This is the whole point. If your husband “doesn’t understand you” and that affects your intimacy, just end the marriage. You cannot call him a cheater if you stick around to a man you resent.

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Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

IMO.... it seems that men rarely take the initiative to fix a marriage. I find they'd rather ignore it, and then cheat and blame the spouse for the reason why he cheated.

It seems women rarely leave a broken marriage to a man who "just doesn't understand me..." so they grow to despise him while cutting off the sex .... yet stay married to this "self centered jerk". Then when he eventually goes elsewhere (duh!) they call him a "cheater".

This is a chicken and egg scenario. The woman feels that the man has emotionally abandoned her, doesn't respect her feelings, so yea, she doesn't want to have sex with him.

Right, exactly my point. She stays married, on the premise that "he's a good enough provider, not abusive, decent enough father, takes out the trash, etc" but since he doesn't respect her feelings he gets no sex.

All I am saying: if this describes your marriage, Yes he is having sex with other women, and NO he is not a cheater. Do not stay married to a man you don't want sex with. If you do, this is an open marriage.

Ok. But can we agree that if he is incapable of caring about another human being unless the relationship can benefit him, then he should not get any custody or unsupervised visitation in a divorce? I think many women in this situation would agree to dissolving the marriage and letting him date and have sex freely if the kids don’t end up in the middle of it.

But yeah, if you want to see your kids, then you should try to become a human being capable of love and empathy or accept that you are going to be the villain in this story.

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Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

IMO.... it seems that men rarely take the initiative to fix a marriage. I find they'd rather ignore it, and then cheat and blame the spouse for the reason why he cheated.

It seems women rarely leave a broken marriage to a man who "just doesn't understand me..." so they grow to despise him while cutting off the sex .... yet stay married to this "self centered jerk". Then when he eventually goes elsewhere (duh!) they call him a "cheater".

This is a chicken and egg scenario. The woman feels that the man has emotionally abandoned her, doesn't respect her feelings, so yea, she doesn't want to have sex with him.

Right, exactly my point. She stays married, on the premise that "he's a good enough provider, not abusive, decent enough father, takes out the trash, etc" but since he doesn't respect her feelings he gets no sex.

All I am saying: if this describes your marriage, Yes he is having sex with other women, and NO he is not a cheater. Do not stay married to a man you don't want sex with. If you do, this is an open marriage.

So, the man gets to basically ignore his wife's feelings while using that as a justification to cheat?

As a PP stated, the wife is staying in the marriage more than likely for the kids maybe with the hope that one day it will get better. But, if the man cheats, it won't get better. It will get worse.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

IMO.... it seems that men rarely take the initiative to fix a marriage. I find they'd rather ignore it, and then cheat and blame the spouse for the reason why he cheated.

It seems women rarely leave a broken marriage to a man who "just doesn't understand me..." so they grow to despise him while cutting off the sex .... yet stay married to this "self centered jerk". Then when he eventually goes elsewhere (duh!) they call him a "cheater".

This is a chicken and egg scenario. The woman feels that the man has emotionally abandoned her, doesn't respect her feelings, so yea, she doesn't want to have sex with him.

Right, exactly my point. She stays married, on the premise that "he's a good enough provider, not abusive, decent enough father, takes out the trash, etc" but since he doesn't respect her feelings he gets no sex.

All I am saying: if this describes your marriage, Yes he is having sex with other women, and NO he is not a cheater. Do not stay married to a man you don't want sex with. If you do, this is an open marriage.