Anonymous
02/20/2020 20:48
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Intentionally made up a lie, so that two of her friends would fight with each other, and hurting one of the girls feelings.
wow, that's a hard one. I'm not sure I'd actually give a punishment here. The goal is to communicate your disappointment and have her understand the seriousness of her behavior, and also to open up channels of communication so you can figure out what led her to do such a thing. Also to make reparations through an apology, and possibly a separate good deed (like picking up trash, volunteering at a soup kitchen). this was really a moral failure on her part, and I'm not sure punitive measures will do what you want (teach her to do better). If you HAVE to do a punishment, make it milder than you might think, like taking the phone away for a day, along with the other measures.
Agree.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 20:24
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
My son had to stay home from a party. Turns out he didn’t even want to go and was anxious about it, which is why he was acting out...
Anonymous
02/19/2020 20:09
Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
I agree with those who think you should generally step out of this situation - apart from guiding her to do the right thing (write a letter of apology to them both, you read it first) and talk with her about the consequences of what she did (likely have brought those two girls closer and may have created a negative alliance against your DD). The reality of what she did and learning from this situation (and having to face up to it with an apology) is punishment enough. I'm not sure she'll pull this kind of stunt again unless she feeds off of drama and negativity. That's a whole other issue.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 18:59
Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:My dad would make us write a 1500 word essay explaining why we did the stupid thing we did. It was torture. I would have rather gotten a beating.
Lol. I make my kids do the same thing. They are too young for that long of an essay so they have to answer about 10 questions that I prepare for them.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 18:57
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
I made my Daughter wash all the walls with a magic eraser after she threw her clear against the wall of our brand new addition room and dent the drywall. She also lost her iPad for a week.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 18:24
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:Mine happened literally last night. I threw away his Nintendo Switch. He lost his s*&^ about it. So he's sleeping at the grandparents' tonight.
Why would you throw it away? You take it away for weeks or months but that cost you money.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 16:18
Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:My dad would make us write a 1500 word essay explaining why we did the stupid thing we did. It was torture. I would have rather gotten a beating.
What do you do with your kids?
Anonymous
02/18/2020 11:43
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:took phone away for a week
This. But it was for a specific phone-related matter (not sexual in nature) that I’d warned about. Never a problem again.
Similar here. 3 days for first offense, 2 weeks when she was caught again. No issues since.
(In our case it was sneaking devices into room after bedtime.)
Anonymous
02/18/2020 09:58
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:Mine happened literally last night. I threw away his Nintendo Switch. He lost his s*&^ about it. So he's sleeping at the grandparents' tonight.
This sounds unhealthy and makes me feel sad for your situation. My parents would do things like this, and we’re estranged now.
Anonymous
02/15/2020 16:24
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Mine happened literally last night. I threw away his Nintendo Switch. He lost his s*&^ about it. So he's sleeping at the grandparents' tonight.
Anonymous
02/12/2020 20:43
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Sleep in the yard
Anonymous
02/12/2020 16:39
Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
8 year. I took all of his toys and privileges away. He had to earn them back one by one. A misstep would mean that he would have to start all over again. It took about two and half months to earn everything back. Sometimes natural consequences are ineffective for the strong-willed child.
Anonymous
02/11/2020 23:14
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
To the pps assuming there may be natural consequences of losing a friend: at this stage, mean behavior can actually accrue to the mean person’s benefit by making the mean person more popular.
Anonymous
02/11/2020 12:52
Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Intentionally made up a lie, so that two of her friends would fight with each other, and hurting one of the girls feelings.
wow, that's a hard one. I'm not sure I'd actually give a punishment here. The goal is to communicate your disappointment and have her understand the seriousness of her behavior, and also to open up channels of communication so you can figure out what led her to do such a thing. Also to make reparations through an apology, and possibly a separate good deed (like picking up trash, volunteering at a soup kitchen). this was really a moral failure on her part, and I'm not sure punitive measures will do what you want (teach her to do better). If you HAVE to do a punishment, make it milder than you might think, like taking the phone away for a day, along with the other measures.
I like this answer.
+1 disappointment from parents with attempts to understand and figure out the root cause often goes a lot further to teaching here, maybe with a consequence of some things she really enjoys being removed but the first part is the most important. I would also try to show your child that you want to understand what was happening for her that led to this - what made her make that choice? was she feeling left out, hurt, scared of losing a friendship, or just testing what would happen? None of these things make it ok and of course you have to make that clear, but getting to the root of what led to the behavior is going to lead to a lot more learning and that's what we're really going for at the age of 12. Then you can help her come up with other solutions when she feels that way again. Help her process why it is so upsetting to you, what it must have felt like to the other girls, all of the different pieces of that. Show her that you know she is a person who cares for others and is kind, this one mistake doesn't take that away. She needs to know you believe in her and also hold her very much accountable.
Also don't feel like you have to come up with something immediately as a consequence. When I had a similar moral failing in 7th grade, the most impactful part was the long conversation with my parents where I could see they were horrified, embarrassed, disappointed, all of the things. Man that hurt. They told me during that conversation that they would need some time to think of an appropriate consequence. They came to me later and took away an event that I was really, really looking forward to. But they did it in a kind way, not even punitive. More like - look, you made a really bad choice, that happens and we know it is not who you are deep down. But there are also consequences to our bad choices sometimes and this is something you really want and it's just not going to be something we can let you do when recently you've been showing us you aren't ready to make those more responsible choices. On the day of the event they were kind, not mocking, we did a family event instead as they knew it would be hard for me. The consequence was clear and I felt it - but the relationship with my parents remained intact which was really important for the future teen years.
I'm the PP who posted on not giving a punishment. Your story from 7th grade EXACTLY what I mean, and what I wish I had gotten as a kid. My parents instead vacillated between harsh punishments and ignoring/neglecting any issues. I vividly remember in 7th grade getting caught sneaking out of my best friend's house at night. I got in huge trouble (yelled at, lectured harshly, grounded). My friend had parents more like yours. She got no punishment at all; they just talked to her and told her they were very disappointed, and she was so remorseful that she had disappointed them. I remember just having a lightbulb moment realizing what having parents that actually operate out of love and family ties must be like. To tell the truth, I'm not sure that either approach quashed our shenanigans (which continued), but guess which one of us has close ties to her parents today, and which one does not?
Yes pp you hit the nail on the head. I'm the pp of the 7th grade post (and realize how lucky I was!!) and that is the key - what do you want your relationship with your child to be like? you are able to have far, far more influence over these teenage years if you have an intact trustworthy and safe relationship. you will not prevent your kid from engaging in shenanigans as you said - but you will prep them for healthy relationships and good decisions when their frontal lobe actually develops. And genuinely having worry about disappointing your parents is far more motivating than losing a privilege. But your kids have to really value your opinion to care they disappoint you. That relationship foundation has to be there and it's made by not overreacting to things like this. My incident was shoplifting (a bigger problem in middle school than many parents realize!) and believe me, I am the last adult you could ever imagine shoplifting now. It wasn't about the shoplifting, it was about being a part of a group, doing something risky with peers, whatever. And in that case I never did it again, but I certainly did other dumb things. But my parents walked me through those as well and now I'm a competent, kind and definitely not shoplifting adult with a really wonderful relationship with my parents.
Anonymous
02/11/2020 12:40
Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
My dad would make us write a 1500 word essay explaining why we did the stupid thing we did. It was torture. I would have rather gotten a beating.