My DH is a major a-hole. He stuck it in my back door without telling me!

DH is not an asshole. Its wonderful. He can be very stubborn and set in his ways about a few things, but the guy is very kind. When I've really pissed him off, he leaves so not to be a total dick to me.

DH here: I am 30% asshole. DW calls me an asshole when I'm acting like one and usually I'm quick to acknowledge and apologize.

I usually become an asshole under two circumstances:

1. When DW starts peppering me with rapid fire questions - it's completely overwhelming to me and I shut down. At a certain point in the day, I can't make any more decisions. I'm stressed and tired from making big decisions all day at work, decisions related to taking care of the kid, etc. I'm trying to shut my brain off and DW wants to make 20 decisions; usually 75% of those decisions don't require my input. I appreciate her seeking my feedback, but it's usually not needed to move the process along. Here's a simple example -
Q: "Out of these 5 sets of clothes, which one should we buy for the kid off Amazon? Please look at all 5 links I just texted to you."
A: "Um, which ever one fits him? Just pick one, it's not important."

In contrast to this, I make a bunch of decisions without DW's input. Oh, we need new AC filters? I'll just go ahead and buy those when they are on sale. Oh, we need a new vacuum for the house? This Dyson is on sale and DW has mentioned that she wants one. I just execute and not bother DW with the mental energy required to make a decision.

2. Whenever DW is lacking in spatial awareness and/or ramifications of her physical actions. She will turn on the lights in the hallway, flooding the baby's room with light while she tries to sleep. She'll leave a bunch of crap on the stairs, which then becomes a tripping hazard in the middle of the night. This is just basic common sense stuff but my reactions are always quite asshole'ish.

I'm sorry, DW. I will try to do better. I know I'm not a patient person.

My DH is 0% a-hole. That doesn't mean he is 100% great, but he definitely is not an a-hole. He is probably 80% great and 10% lazy and 10% scatterbrained.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the camp with others who rarely fight with DH but when we do, he is ALWAYS right. Will never admit he is wrong, ever.

I think the only reason we don't fight more often is because I don't bother to object about stuff because I have learned he will not back down because he is RIGHT.

After years of this I am looking at it in a different light. Now I see how controlling it is and how he has trained me to be compliant.

OP, is it possible you are in a similar situation? Maybe that's why you are asking about ahole percentage?

My DH is generally willing to reconsider his positions, if not in the moment of a fight, then later. I think in our relationship I am the one who will not back down and is sure I’m right. Mostly because if I’ve decided it’s worth a fight to stand up for, then it is something I believe in very deeply and very strongly. Otherwise I’m pretty go with the flow and usually defer to his preferences because I don’t really care that much. On the rare occasion I do care enough to fight about it, I’m very unlikely to back down. I’d say my DH is 5% ahole. He’s generally great, but has a death stare like I’ve never seen before and sometimes holds people to ridiculously high standards. If he gets really mad he just leaves the house. The first time it really freaked me out but now I know he’s just going out to cool off. It’s been maybe 3-5 times in 12 years of marriage.

I think like 70% good guy and 30% asshole, but I believe the 30% asshole is disproportionately clueless oaf who doesn't see the things that need to be done and only a moderate amount "if I take a really long poop right now i can get out of X chore"

So basically I have a pretty good partner.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the camp with others who rarely fight with DH but when we do, he is ALWAYS right. Will never admit he is wrong, ever.

I think the only reason we don't fight more often is because I don't bother to object about stuff because I have learned he will not back down because he is RIGHT.

After years of this I am looking at it in a different light. Now I see how controlling it is and how he has trained me to be compliant.

OP, is it possible you are in a similar situation? Maybe that's why you are asking about ahole percentage?

OP said, "I pretty much have to be the one to backdown and bring us back to peace because the tougher I get the worse he gets."

This is what I'm talking about...

I'm in the camp with others who rarely fight with DH but when we do, he is ALWAYS right. Will never admit he is wrong, ever.

I think the only reason we don't fight more often is because I don't bother to object about stuff because I have learned he will not back down because he is RIGHT.

After years of this I am looking at it in a different light. Now I see how controlling it is and how he has trained me to be compliant.

OP, is it possible you are in a similar situation? Maybe that's why you are asking about ahole percentage?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you WEARING at age 60+ that could make somebody jealous?

This made me laugh! Hey I’m not 60 yet and have a damn good figure (37-25-38) that I work hard for at the gym 5 days a week so I’m able to wear sexy clothing still and my DH loves when men trip over themselves staring at me. Where as in past relationships I had to wear a burka to keep the peace! Even to the beach

I'm not doubting OP's fabulous figure! I hope it is awesome. But not sure about the "I can wear whatever I want" comment ... It makes me uncomfortable to think that OP would consider this a selling point on her DH, not a baseline bit of decency.

I'm the immediate also-remarried PP. Being with someone who is an ass or even abusive can sneak up on you and do a serious number on your head. You find yourself in positions where years later (assuming you get out and heal), you are very cognizant of the fresh air you're breathing and very appreciate of it.

That's a good point, thanks for reminding me. I've been lucky.

Anonymous wrote: I finally remarried after 25 yrs. First husband was a nightmare(cheater, verbal physical abuse, stingy, controlling, super jealous etc etc etc).. My DH now is generous to a fault, very considerate(wears earbuds if he wants to watch a movie in bed so not to disturb me etc..) , fuels/washes my car, cuz he knows gas stations are my nemesis, I only need to ask him once to do something for me and it’s done asap, not at all jealous( I can wear whatever I want), I don’t have to work but he’s fine if I wanted to work, helps my grown son out financially while he’s in school, (I told him my son got a flat tire & he ordered a new one and had it delivered few days later). These are just a very few examples of how good he is to me, not to mention he’s not a cheater. I trust him implicitly and I don’t trust anyone! We are going on 10 yrs now and I would say we’ve had about 5 major fights and argue every few months if that . But when we have major fights he is such an jerk and blames me for everything and won’t let me get a word in and I pretty much have to be the one to backdown and bring us back to peace because the tougher I get the worse he gets. It just makes me wonder about most relationships and how good or bad are they really? I would say my DH is about 92% great & 8% asshole. What’s really going on behind closed doors in relationships out there??? This is anonymous so please all you women out there tell me the truth of how much of an asshole your man is .. Should I be counting my blessings or what?!

My husband is exactly like you describe. Never met anyone so thoughtful and loving in my life. We don’t fight often, but when we do he could not be a bigger ahole. Not worth it to me to fight, I have too good a thing. It just is what it is. I let him have his asshole moments.

Well I would say 100% asshole at this very minute. He just snapped at me for wanting to buy French bread because he does not like it. He likes soft Italian bread.

Try getting a job.

We are both similar, now about 8% a hole, but it has been worse for both of us in the past, so this is progress! I am only partly kidding...we've mellowed. It takes time

..appreciative. Need more coffee.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you WEARING at age 60+ that could make somebody jealous?

This made me laugh! Hey I’m not 60 yet and have a damn good figure (37-25-38) that I work hard for at the gym 5 days a week so I’m able to wear sexy clothing still and my DH loves when men trip over themselves staring at me. Where as in past relationships I had to wear a burka to keep the peace! Even to the beach

I'm not doubting OP's fabulous figure! I hope it is awesome. But not sure about the "I can wear whatever I want" comment ... It makes me uncomfortable to think that OP would consider this a selling point on her DH, not a baseline bit of decency.

I'm the immediate also-remarried PP. Being with someone who is an ass or even abusive can sneak up on you and do a serious number on your head. You find yourself in positions where years later (assuming you get out and heal), you are very cognizant of the fresh air you're breathing and very appreciate of it.