DH and I are late 30s, our DS is 3. I have a full sibling I grew up with and various stepsiblings. DH is an only child. Parents are in their late 60s to mid 70s. f we both die, my sister and BIL are nominated as the guardians. Our good friends with a son 2 years younger are our backups.

My sister and Dad are co-trustees of the trust FBO my DS, which will be funded with millions of life insurance proceeds and all our assets. It should be plenty to do everything financially we would want to do for him. My sister doesn't know that much about finances, which is why I named my Dad as a co-trustee, but she is getting much better. I'll probably make her sole trustee in a few years.

Everyone knows the structure. I update a spreadsheet of all assets once per year and put it with the estate documents.

It's hard to think of my DS being raised by other people who will invariably make different parenting choices, but if the unfortunate occurs, we have done our best to smooth the way for him in a household where he will be raised with love and abundance.

Financial responsibility matters even (especially) when you are adequately insured. Even if there is a separate trustee, the guardian is the one living with your child and letting the trustee know what the financial needs are. The pool of money has to last long enough to launch your kids into adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:We couldnt agree and DW adamantly insisted on her parents (ages 70+) as backups. Terrible idea and I deeply regret not going to the mat on insisting in someone younger. Hopefully we dont die at the same time.

Your will can say something different from hers, which would help you if, say, you die together but medically she passes first. Also, if they are already in 70s, then every few years or when serious medical or mental health issues begin to arise, raise the issue with your wife again and get that small part of the will addended. I assume you asked the parents and they agreed? You may want to keep revisiting the issue with them too so they can opt out.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve already looped in my superresponsible brother and SIL

Come on man, really? After reading the OP, there was nothing that she could gain from this but your need to brag (basically). We are fortunate and have good options, I don't think my response is helpful to OP.

When my kids were little our options were DH's brother, my brother and my sister. DH doesn't trust his family so BIL was out. My brother was single so not ideal. My sister and her then-DH had kids the same age and asked us to be their guardian. She and I are very close and similar in our parenting so it was easy to pick her. My parents were the back-up to her.

My brother eventually married and now has two small children and DH and I are their guardian since my sister is now divorced and DH and I are in a better position to take on more kids if that ever happened.

Anonymous wrote:This is a hard one for me. My husband and I both have one sibling Sibling A is a lot less financially stable but is a fantastic single parent

Sibling B is more financially stable but has said they doesn't want to have kids or get married. They absolutely loves my kids though.

You’re supposed to have life insurance.

Anonymous wrote:Question: Do you all plan to ask your back-ups if they want that responsibility. I would be horrified if someone listed me without me knowing (and wouldn't consent to this arrangement).

17:28 PP

Our DINK friends know that if for whatever reason my sister couldn’t take DS that they are next in line. They wouldn’t have been great with a baby but DS is 11 now. They have always had a good relationship with him, aunt and uncle style. My mom knows and loves these friends as well and knows they are best Choice. I have another sibling but he lives in Chicago and that would be a huge disruption of DS’s life to have to move so far away.

This is a hard one for me. My husband and I both have one sibling Sibling A is a lot less financially stable but is a fantastic single parent

Sibling B is more financially stable but has said they doesn't want to have kids or get married. They absolutely loves my kids though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole shock of the Kobe Bryant death made think I need to write our will and plan for god forbid something happen to us both. The problem is, I can’t think of anyone who would be a good fit?! My side has legitimate issues - one sibling had a DH cheat on her, the others are some version on mentally ill.

DH’s side he has one sister that could do it, but she is passive aggressive and seems money hungry.

These are all people I love and care about, but the idea of putting my children in their care is anxiety inducing.

Welcome people sharing what compromises or plans they have made for their kids!

If you appoint your dh's sister the guardian, you should leave your assets in a trust for the kids and have someone else be the trustee. Actually regardless of who the guardian is, it is a good rule to have one person be trustee of the money and another be the guardian.

NP. Some people will agree to this, but I never would. If I'm raising your kids in the event of the worst, no way in hell am I dealing with your Aunt Edna on a constant basis, and letting her decide whether we are able to purchase a larger house to house your kids, or letting her decide what a reasonable vehicle is if we had to get a larger one. Hell to the no.

That might very well make me the wrong choice for you, and I completely understand that.

I agree that it can be a recipe for acrimony. In our case, we're leaving the trustee/guardian a substantial amount of $$ in their own right, so I'm hoping that limits any desire to not do right by the minor child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole shock of the Kobe Bryant death made think I need to write our will and plan for god forbid something happen to us both. The problem is, I can’t think of anyone who would be a good fit?! My side has legitimate issues - one sibling had a DH cheat on her, the others are some version on mentally ill.

DH’s side he has one sister that could do it, but she is passive aggressive and seems money hungry.

These are all people I love and care about, but the idea of putting my children in their care is anxiety inducing.

Welcome people sharing what compromises or plans they have made for their kids!

If you appoint your dh's sister the guardian, you should leave your assets in a trust for the kids and have someone else be the trustee. Actually regardless of who the guardian is, it is a good rule to have one person be trustee of the money and another be the guardian.

NP. Some people will agree to this, but I never would. If I'm raising your kids in the event of the worst, no way in hell am I dealing with your Aunt Edna on a constant basis, and letting her decide whether we are able to purchase a larger house to house your kids, or letting her decide what a reasonable vehicle is if we had to get a larger one. Hell to the no.

That might very well make me the wrong choice for you, and I completely understand that.

It would be for your protection as well, to protect against accusations that you improperly used the money for yourself. We have friends who were given custody of a friend’s daughter when the friend died, and were trustees on the girl’s trust as well. Everything was fine until the girl got to her late teens and began showing signs of significant mental illness, at which point an aunt swooped in and started whispering in the girl’s ear about how her guardians were mistreating her. Next thing they knew, they were hit with a lawsuit by on behalf of the girl accusing them on fraud on the trust. They ultimately prevailed, but it cost them a fortune in legal fees. If there had been a separate trustee, the lawsuit would have been much easier to get dismissed.

PP here. We have very good financial record keeping, and I'd track every dollar spent out of the trust. I'd gladly take the risk of having to spent my own money to fight a lawsuit over the certainty of having to deal with a separate trustee. If that set up isn't acceptable to the parents, they're welcome to move along.

We have a very stable and warm household. As a result, we have actually been asked by two different family members if we'd be willing to serve as legal guardians. We ended up declining both times due to the financial set up that the parents were insisting on. In one case, the parents were dramatically under insured (and seemed to think we'd be glad the foot the bill), in another case the parents wanted a separate trustee.

The parents are free to set up the arrangements however they think is best, but they should keep in mind that no one is forced to agree to what they decide. Also, if you name a guardian, that guardian is not automatically given custody, and they're free to decline if they decide the arrangement is unacceptable. In our case, even though the possibility was remote, we knew the right thing to do was to explain our objections on the front end, rather than back out later or hope the back up selection would step up.

Anonymous wrote:Our problem is we have three kids and each of our siblings already have multiple kids themselves. DH’s parents have some health issues and frankly wouldn’t want them. My parents are early 50’s and in good health. We haven’t done this yet, but I feel like the best people for the job are my parents. I should probably ask them soon

We have this problem too. DH and I are lucky to have wonderful siblings, but we have three kids and our siblings all have two or three kids too, of roughly similar ages. It's a lot to ask of someone to potentially raise six kids, and we've been avoiding it so far.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole shock of the Kobe Bryant death made think I need to write our will and plan for god forbid something happen to us both. The problem is, I can’t think of anyone who would be a good fit?! My side has legitimate issues - one sibling had a DH cheat on her, the others are some version on mentally ill.

DH’s side he has one sister that could do it, but she is passive aggressive and seems money hungry.

These are all people I love and care about, but the idea of putting my children in their care is anxiety inducing.

Welcome people sharing what compromises or plans they have made for their kids!

If you appoint your dh's sister the guardian, you should leave your assets in a trust for the kids and have someone else be the trustee. Actually regardless of who the guardian is, it is a good rule to have one person be trustee of the money and another be the guardian.

NP. Some people will agree to this, but I never would. If I'm raising your kids in the event of the worst, no way in hell am I dealing with your Aunt Edna on a constant basis, and letting her decide whether we are able to purchase a larger house to house your kids, or letting her decide what a reasonable vehicle is if we had to get a larger one. Hell to the no.

That might very well make me the wrong choice for you, and I completely understand that.

It would be for your protection as well, to protect against accusations that you improperly used the money for yourself. We have friends who were given custody of a friend’s daughter when the friend died, and were trustees on the girl’s trust as well. Everything was fine until the girl got to her late teens and began showing signs of significant mental illness, at which point an aunt swooped in and started whispering in the girl’s ear about how her guardians were mistreating her. Next thing they knew, they were hit with a lawsuit by on behalf of the girl accusing them on fraud on the trust. They ultimately prevailed, but it cost them a fortune in legal fees. If there had been a separate trustee, the lawsuit would have been much easier to get dismissed.

Our problem is we have three kids and each of our siblings already have multiple kids themselves. DH’s parents have some health issues and frankly wouldn’t want them. My parents are early 50’s and in good health. We haven’t done this yet, but I feel like the best people for the job are my parents. I should probably ask them soon

Anonymous wrote:We actually ended up with 2 in laws who are not our favorites, per se, but are in the best life position (age, financially) to handle the responsibility with as little disruption as possible.

What do you mean, financially?

We actually ended up with 2 in laws who are not our favorites, per se, but are in the best life position (age, financially) to handle the responsibility with as little disruption as possible.