Anonymous
01/19/2020 22:12
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Team MIL, and I am not a MIL.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 21:59
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:Yeah. I refuse to give in.
We have hectic lives, our schedules are full.
MIL doesn’t work, is bored and decides she wants to bond with DD. She doesn’t have a bond with other 5 kids who live far away, but DD happened to be in the convenient proximity.
Well, I’m not going to add another chore to work on their relationship. Also, DD’s schedule is just as full. She has homework, extra curricular activities and would rather spend her time with friends.
Sorry, but my kid doesn’t exist to fill holes in your life.
You are fine- angry but fine. But you do need to be more direct with her, I think your frustrated and tired of dealing with her being a taker. Stop responding do much to text messages, and make clear to your DH that if his dear mother needs emotional caretaking it’s his job, and you’ll not be adding to your already full plate. Don’t budge.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 21:49
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is odd, can’t you drop DS off and get a break yourself?
No. I don’t have time for that. I also have a sitter who I can easily pay to show up and my house. I don’t have to drive two hours for a day to myself. And this isn’t about free childcare (which I don’t need). I’m a struggling mom doing it alone and I don’t need my MIL piling on her needs and wants.
How are you a struggling mom doing it on your own when you have a husband presumably contributing to the mortgage and a sitter and one kid?
Anonymous
01/19/2020 21:09
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
While I totally see where you are coming from, and might feel the same way in your position, here's something to consider:
If she called you and went straight into "When can I see Little Billy," you'd be on here complaining that she didn't even bother to ask how you were and chat a bit first.
You're in a tough position. But she is only PART of your tough dynamic; husband being away is the real hurdle. So yes, it's OK to be irked, but be sure to put it in context and simply move on. It's OK to say "no" to the extra driving. But it's not OK to resent her for wanting to see her grandkid. Just let her know what does and doesn't work for you, and let her make her choice.
If she called you and went straight into "When can I see Little Billy," you'd be on here complaining that she didn't even bother to ask how you were and chat a bit first.
You're in a tough position. But she is only PART of your tough dynamic; husband being away is the real hurdle. So yes, it's OK to be irked, but be sure to put it in context and simply move on. It's OK to say "no" to the extra driving. But it's not OK to resent her for wanting to see her grandkid. Just let her know what does and doesn't work for you, and let her make her choice.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 20:59
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
This doesn’t sound manipulative at all. It’s possible for your MIL to sincerely care about how you are doing AND want to see her grandchild. It’s not piling on to make chit chat. She is an hour away. She is ASKING you what time works for you - she is not demanding or showing up unannounced.
Your MIL seems like a reasonable person who doesn’t fully understand the stress you are under. It sounds like perhaps she is an extrovert and you are an introvert. That’s the dynamic between my MIL and me. She can’t understand that anyone would ever prefer solitude, so she follows me from room to room chatting my ear off. She offers to come keep me company when my husband is gone - even though my own parents are 25 min away. The difference is that I recognize that my MIL means well and is trying to be helpful and nice - even if sometimes it drives me batty.
Your MIL seems like a reasonable person who doesn’t fully understand the stress you are under. It sounds like perhaps she is an extrovert and you are an introvert. That’s the dynamic between my MIL and me. She can’t understand that anyone would ever prefer solitude, so she follows me from room to room chatting my ear off. She offers to come keep me company when my husband is gone - even though my own parents are 25 min away. The difference is that I recognize that my MIL means well and is trying to be helpful and nice - even if sometimes it drives me batty.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 20:49
Subject: Re:It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:You are absolutely over-reacting. She wants to see her grandchild, that’s all. You need to look at what you want from her and why. You’re an adult and don’t need a mommy-figure’s approval or interest.
When I want to see someone I don’t expect them to drop everything and do as I say. Who does that? You want to see someone, you work with their schedule and be considerate.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 20:19
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is strange at all at the end of the day that she wants to spend time with her grandchild. I get you want her to want you as a friend and to see you the way she sees her grandson but that is rare. She isn't going to invite just you over to have lunch. If you need more friends and that is why you are so jealous of your son and her spending time together, go make them, she isn't going to be your BFF.
She is calling you, making pleasant chit chat, showing an interest in you and asking about seeing her grandson. that sounds completely appropriate and normal and healthy. It isn't taking to want a relationship with your children and grandchildren at all.
I have no idea what your actual issue is. Maybe you are lonely and jealous, maybe you are just burnt out, maybe you are envious of her for some reason, maybe you are just incredibly sensitive, maybe you need everything to be about you...I don't know. The problem in this scenario though is you not her. Do some self reflection and try to figure out what the real issue is for you.
NP; you're awful and have terrible reading comprehension skills.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 18:58
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:"Unfortunately, with Jim gone, I don't have the capacity to drive so much. But if you would like to visit Billy, you are welcome to come visit on Sunday between 4-7. It would be tremendously helpful if you could spend time with him while I get some laundry folded; he would love to walk down to the park with you! It will just be Stouffer's lasanga, unless there's anything you'd rather bring."
+1. This.
Or go run errands or get a haircut or whatever else you need to do.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 18:58
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Someday you will have grandchildren. Would you like to be blown off like this?
When I have grandchildren, I can’t imagine making so many demands on my DIL while my son is traveling. I truly hope I don’t become so selfish and self centered as I get older.
What are these 'so many demands' made by her MIL?
Driving 2 hours to take the grandson to see her whenever she wants.
It's not whenever MIL wants. The post specifically states she asked "Is anytime a good time?" Reading- it helps.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 18:19
Subject: Re:It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would drive two hours to dump my kid for a day. Tell her to text me
+1 I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. Two kids, coming Granny's way.
Really? You want to spend 2 hours in the car driving kids back and forth to her house? I would much rather be home with the kids than stuck in a highway as a chauffeur.
It’s unclear from the OP if it’s 2 hours round trip or if it’s 2 hours each way. Either way, it sounds like a miserable way to spend a weekend - especially when your spouse is traveling and everything is on you.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 18:15
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Someday you will have grandchildren. Would you like to be blown off like this?
When I have grandchildren, I can’t imagine making so many demands on my DIL while my son is traveling. I truly hope I don’t become so selfish and self centered as I get older.
What are these 'so many demands' made by her MIL?
Driving 2 hours to take the grandson to see her whenever she wants.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 18:13
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Why don't tell her to come visit
Anonymous
01/19/2020 16:58
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Someday you will have grandchildren. Would you like to be blown off like this?
When I have grandchildren, I can’t imagine making so many demands on my DIL while my son is traveling. I truly hope I don’t become so selfish and self centered as I get older.
What are these 'so many demands' made by her MIL?
Anonymous
01/19/2020 16:56
Subject: It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:Someday you will have grandchildren. Would you like to be blown off like this?
When I have grandchildren, I can’t imagine making so many demands on my DIL while my son is traveling. I truly hope I don’t become so selfish and self centered as I get older.
Anonymous
01/19/2020 16:29
Subject: Re:It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
Anonymous wrote:I would drive two hours to dump my kid for a day. Tell her to text me
+1 I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. Two kids, coming Granny's way.