Anonymous wrote:I think age 9 -12 you have the most influence. At 8 and below they are children and as long as they are safe and loved, it's all good. At 13 they are formed, I think the framework is in place. Again, 9 -12 you have the most influence.

For a number of years I ran a substance abuse non profit focused on educating families and one thing that was clear was that most good behaviors are established when the children are very young ages 4-9. That is when they learn about respect, honesty and many other behaviors. If a child is a spoiled brat it is very difficult to change them when they reach ten.

Focus on character traits over accomplishment:

tenacity

work ethic

empathy and kindness

diligence

responsibility

courage

integrity

resilience

Everything that your child does should come back to a character trait.

I can see that you worked hard on your project.

I love that you stood up for your friend

You did the right thing to listen to your teacher when it seemed like everyone else was goofing of.

What can we learn from this mistake.


FYI, I didn't do this as much as I should have- sometimes, I became focused on accomplishment as a manifestation of character. I have learned from it-- at end of childhood, I want to have raised a good person that other people will love, and have learned to be intentional in my praise. My DS is a teen.

I think age 9 -12 you have the most influence. At 8 and below they are children and as long as they are safe and loved, it's all good. At 13 they are formed, I think the framework is in place. Again, 9 -12 you have the most influence.

We did our very best to set a good example as parents. My DH and I have always had a very loving relationship and we never argued in front of the children. No smoking or drinking to excess. Most of our free time was spent with them when they were young. We both worked but never at the expense of them feeling left out. We taught them the value of money and working hard and that nothing was ever simply given to you. We had great family trips and our three kids have always been incredibly close friends as a result. We also lived all over the country and that really created a strong bond as we were all starting over in different places so we were each others best friends. We never followed a child raising roadmap so wheat we did was that which felt right at the time. Now they are all successful young adults so we are very pleased that we did our jobs well.

Let your children help you. Ask them to bring you a glass of water or a gallon of milk so that you are not the only one doing things for others. Service to others can start very small.

Be polite at all times. Say please and thank you to your spouse and your children, they will naturally ape that back as they grow older.

Give them love of all different types so they are comfortable giving and receiving all types of love (physical touch, verbal compliments, acts of service, receiving gifts, and quality time.

Treat them the way you want them to treat their own children when they are adults.

We pretty much followed what is now known as "free range parenting" but was normal for DH and I back in the day. Our kids, now 20 and 18, thank us regularly for this - including holding off until jr high for cell phones (no smartphone until HS).

Also, just remember to savor each stage because change is the only inevitable in our lives. Tell them you love them every time they walk out your door.

Know that they will be their own person with their own issues no matter what you do as a parent. You have NO control over this. An example: One of our kids became ridiculously ill from something we had no control over in 7th grade until mid-HS and while now in remission, it appears that the illness affected the mind so we are now dealing with that - it has forever changed the trajectory of our child. We just do the best we can and try and love them through the ups and downs.

I have six kids. 4 boys, 2 girls. My 4 oldest are adults. My youngest son and daughter are 14 and 16. I am laid-back and I deal with everything with humor. My kids are so much fun, they keep me laughing all the time, and I love the teenage years best of all. They've all turned out really well, and I am proud of them. My advice is to never sweat the small stuff. Two of my kids almost died (one is a Type 1 Diabetic, the other was born with a genetic condition requiring major surgery). Every day that I have all of my children in my life is a blessing. They all move off and leave as soon as they are 18, because I raised them to be independent and to follow their own paths, wherever it takes them. We text occasionally, but they're busy in their lives and I am busy in my own. I have a connection with all of them, and I can feel if they are ok or not, so we do not need to speak on a regular basis.