OP, I’m a city person. I can walk, bike, drive, or bus to social events, the neighborhood school, the library, the rec center, and the grocery, all of which cuts my stress dramatically. If I have nothing planned for the day, I walk out my front door and don’t stop until I’m deep in Rock Creek or at a museum. My spouse and I both live within five miles of work, which saves us so much time each day. No, Bethesda or a town center-style suburb would not be the same for me. My spouse and I have a lot of friends from 10+ yrs ago who moved to the suburbs. Everyone thinks it’s a compromise. Most lead home-centered lives and engage far less often in cultural and social activities than we’re able to. I’m not going to “yuck someone’s yum.” Just as a four-bedroom house on a cul de sac is my nightmare, I know plenty of people don’t want my Wardman on a postage-stamp lot. But that’s what’s great: We all know our preferences and what works best for us.

If there is a chance you can work out the city/suburb issue, then it might be worth pre-marital counseling to see how set in stone your boyfriend’s ideas about being a SAHM are. As much as it is something some women change their minds on, you want to make sure it’s your decision, not something that someone else forces on you.

Ignore anyone saying you’re “running out of time.” Taking he time to get major life decisions right is worth years of your life because it can otherwise lead to decades of regret on the other end. Also, there are always some unscientific beliefs about fertility, women’s appearance, etc. on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have told him that I don't see myself ever being a SAHM. He is not wrong in what he wants. He grew up in nice suburb with a mom who stayed home until he went to school. He loved being able to have a mom who was there with him in his most formative years, and parents who were always there to help with homework, make dinner, go to his school events, etc. He wants the same for his kids. I can't fault him for that. It is weighing on me the more we start to get serious. He thinks I will change my mind once we have kids, or be willing to go part-time. I don't want to to do either of those things.

Why won’t he consider staying at home?

Serious question.

Does he want you to do what he himself will not do?

I bet he would but it is implied that he makes enough money to allow her to SAH. She does not seem to be able or willing(if she makes enough money)to do they same. It take trust in the other person for a SAHP to work out. She does not have that trust in him and seem worried about her money not their money. Also she has firm beliefs and may view a SAHP as less. As in SAHPs are fine but I could never be one and nor could my spouse be one.

So she should take a hard pass and let this guy go. I am sure there are other women who will not have this problem. Die on what ever hill you like but do not make others die on your hill.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. I feel like I found the perfect guy for me but some of his views just don't match up with mine. The biggest being he wants a wife to stay home once kids come along, which is what his mom did. He makes more than enough to support a family, but I'm passionate about working for many reasons like divorce, job loss, illness, etc. He is also a big suburbs guy, but I was born and raised in the city. I love him and everything else is great. We are very serious and have been talking about moving in together, getting married, and having children. In some ways I feel like I will be settling. I know relationships are a give and take, and we will have a great life, but I don't think giving up my career is something I want to do. I worked really hard to advance my degree and get to where I am today. If you were in a similar circumstance, what did you do?

Poor guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have told him that I don't see myself ever being a SAHM. He is not wrong in what he wants. He grew up in nice suburb with a mom who stayed home until he went to school. He loved being able to have a mom who was there with him in his most formative years, and parents who were always there to help with homework, make dinner, go to his school events, etc. He wants the same for his kids. I can't fault him for that. It is weighing on me the more we start to get serious. He thinks I will change my mind once we have kids, or be willing to go part-time. I don't want to to do either of those things.

Why won’t he consider staying at home?

Serious question.

Does he want you to do what he himself will not do?

Also, there are lots of shades of gray. I work full time but in a job with regular hours and some telework and flexibility and DH has same so someone is around to help with homework, we don’t miss school activities, chaperone field trips, have been the room parent and coached the soccer team.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have told him that I don't see myself ever being a SAHM. He is not wrong in what he wants. He grew up in nice suburb with a mom who stayed home until he went to school. He loved being able to have a mom who was there with him in his most formative years, and parents who were always there to help with homework, make dinner, go to his school events, etc. He wants the same for his kids. I can't fault him for that. It is weighing on me the more we start to get serious. He thinks I will change my mind once we have kids, or be willing to go part-time. I don't want to to do either of those things.

Why won’t he consider staying at home?

Serious question.

Does he want you to do what he himself will not do?

Would he be open to a compromise such as one of you staying home for a year or each staying home for 6 months consecutively?

Have you considered staying at home with your potential children? It can actually be a really wonderful thing especially with a supportive husband.

What did he tell you when you said “I don’t want to give up my career for kids, it means a lot to me”?

OP it sounds like you do not want to get married and give up your “freedom”. A lot of stuff changes once you have a kid but your reason for wanting to continue working are interesting.

It’s like you have one foot in and one foot out. You are hedging your bets because you think the marriage will fail. Would you want a spouse like that?

The city/suburb think will could after you have a kid...so may the SAH thing. It would be nice to have those options. Most people do not.

It does not sound like you are ready for marriage and kids...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf. You guys are not a match. You need to tell him up front that you aren’t going to be a sahm and see if he can happily accept that. If not, break up:

+1. Run.

+2

LOL She will marry another guy, have a kid and be resentful as hell because she can not be a SAHM as she drops her 6 week old off a daycare.

Man here with a SAHM wife and I really feel for you. On one hand you might feel different when kids come, my wife said she was going back to work then changed her mind and still hasn't a decade later. I was fine with whatever.

The city vs suburbs thing is a big deal to me. I can't stand the burbs and working downtown it would ruin my life with the commute

All that being said, realistically this may be your only shot at having a family so only you know if you can settle. Everyone settles on some things

He's not the perfect guy if you picture your day to day life's differently.

There have been boyfriends along the way who I had fun with, laughed with, traveled with, had nice families, and worked hard. But if their vision of home and work and family and day to day activities and long term goals were different, I knew it wouldn't work. Having stayed in touch with some, or looking on Facebook, their lives now are similar to what they talked about - either with their suburban SAH wife, or no kids and staying carefree, they found what they were looking for, and I'm glad it wasn't me.

Yeah, this for sure sounds just like the other "perfect guy but.." OP from a week or so ago.

Either you're a troll trying to start more SAHM drama (because your last thread went that way too) or need validation of how perfect your wealthy boyfriend is.

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

How do you know? You sound like a troll.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

And the diaper wearing one, please let that be a troll, please.

OP here. Ew no. Never even read or clicked on that thread. Super gross. I don’t even believe kids over 2 should I be in diapers, let alone any adult.