Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if you’re one?

We all have narcissistic tendencies, but a true Narcissist would never ask that question. That’s how you know.

But how common is it for severely dysfunctional parents to have to have severely dysfunctional children?

The key to transforming that is to realize what's going on and wanting to change it.

I think most mentally struggling people know they have problems, but only a relatively few succeed in healing their dysfunction. That’s why family dysfunction tends repeat itself generation after generation, even with access to mental health professionals.

Narcissists think it's not them, it's everyone else.

Do their children realize they’re likely passing on the dysfunction to their own children?

Not if they try to figure it out and stop it. My narcissistic mother never once put any thought or effort into improving herself or her relationships or her parenting or the affect she had on others. None. Zero. It doesn't interest her. She also does not care at all if someone else is happy or unhappy, experiencing comfort or discomfort, etc. I'm not perfect but I'm not like that. So I hope I'm giving my kids a completely different experience than the one I had.

You should be wondering what kind of childhood your mother had.

I know what kind of childhood she had. A really, really horrible one.

Was she neglected? Do you know if anyone cared about her when she was little?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone realize quite late on in life that their mother was a narcissist?
It wasn't until my dad died and all her power over us disappeared that I found the definition of "narcissistic parent" online and she fit almost every category.
I felt sick and so stupid that I was in my mid-40s before I worked this out.

Yes! This is me exactly. I didn’t realize my mom was a Narcissist until my father died.

It really helped me to realize it was on me to set appropriate boundaries. I realized that I needed serious therapy and I’m just now getting over the trauma she caused me. She blamed every problem on me growing up and I’m just starting to break that habit.

I am sorry about your fathers. How did their passing relate or connect to discovering your mothers are narcissists?

Anonymous wrote:I realized in my early 40s and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd been trying to figure out what was wrong with me since my early teens. I'm the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child. He's also a narc.

I am the golden child and my sibling the scapegoat. Unless parent lies to each of us? Anyway, sibling has narc qualities. It is a lot to handle.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and I can tell you that my narcissistic mother didn't have a traumatic childhood and she actually had the sweetest, kindest most empathetic mother. What she inherited was a mental disorder passed to her by her father.

So narcissists are born, not cultivated by bad family vibes. Or all of us who grew up with horrible narcissists would also by default be them too.

There’s a lot still unknown about narcissism. In fact, many psychologists/psychiatrists are unable to diagnose it and often get manipulated by narcissists. We don’t know if it’s nature or nurture. Or both?

I realized in my early 40s and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd been trying to figure out what was wrong with me since my early teens. I'm the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child. He's also a narc.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone realize quite late on in life that their mother was a narcissist?
It wasn't until my dad died and all her power over us disappeared that I found the definition of "narcissistic parent" online and she fit almost every category.
I felt sick and so stupid that I was in my mid-40s before I worked this out.

Yes! This is me exactly. I didn’t realize my mom was a Narcissist until my father died.

It really helped me to realize it was on me to set appropriate boundaries. I realized that I needed serious therapy and I’m just now getting over the trauma she caused me. She blamed every problem on me growing up and I’m just starting to break that habit.

I'm the OP and I can tell you that my narcissistic mother didn't have a traumatic childhood and she actually had the sweetest, kindest most empathetic mother. What she inherited was a mental disorder passed to her by her father.

So narcissists are born, not cultivated by bad family vibes. Or all of us who grew up with horrible narcissists would also by default be them too.

Anonymous wrote:
You can have empathy for childhood trauma, but you don’t have to accept their bad treatment.

Amen.

An analogy that works for me is that of a van hurtling toward you on the sidewalk. It doesn’t matter if the driver is having a medical crisis (for which you feel empathy), is under the influence, or is a terrorist. You run to get yourself to safety, regardless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if you’re one?

We all have narcissistic tendencies, but a true Narcissist would never ask that question. That’s how you know.

But how common is it for severely dysfunctional parents to have to have severely dysfunctional children?

The key to transforming that is to realize what's going on and wanting to change it.

I think most mentally struggling people know they have problems, but only a relatively few succeed in healing their dysfunction. That’s why family dysfunction tends repeat itself generation after generation, even with access to mental health professionals.

Narcissists think it's not them, it's everyone else.

Do their children realize they’re likely passing on the dysfunction to their own children?

Not if they try to figure it out and stop it. My narcissistic mother never once put any thought or effort into improving herself or her relationships or her parenting or the affect she had on others. None. Zero. It doesn't interest her. She also does not care at all if someone else is happy or unhappy, experiencing comfort or discomfort, etc. I'm not perfect but I'm not like that. So I hope I'm giving my kids a completely different experience than the one I had.

You should be wondering what kind of childhood your mother had.

I know what kind of childhood she had. A really, really horrible one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if you’re one?

We all have narcissistic tendencies, but a true Narcissist would never ask that question. That’s how you know.

But how common is it for severely dysfunctional parents to have to have severely dysfunctional children?

The key to transforming that is to realize what's going on and wanting to change it.

I think most mentally struggling people know they have problems, but only a relatively few succeed in healing their dysfunction. That’s why family dysfunction tends repeat itself generation after generation, even with access to mental health professionals.

Narcissists think it's not them, it's everyone else.

Do their children realize they’re likely passing on the dysfunction to their own children?

Not if they try to figure it out and stop it. My narcissistic mother never once put any thought or effort into improving herself or her relationships or her parenting or the affect she had on others. None. Zero. It doesn't interest her. She also does not care at all if someone else is happy or unhappy, experiencing comfort or discomfort, etc. I'm not perfect but I'm not like that. So I hope I'm giving my kids a completely different experience than the one I had.

You should be wondering what kind of childhood your mother had.

You can have empathy for childhood trauma, but you don’t have to accept their bad treatment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if you’re one?

We all have narcissistic tendencies, but a true Narcissist would never ask that question. That’s how you know.

But how common is it for severely dysfunctional parents to have to have severely dysfunctional children?

The key to transforming that is to realize what's going on and wanting to change it.

I think most mentally struggling people know they have problems, but only a relatively few succeed in healing their dysfunction. That’s why family dysfunction tends repeat itself generation after generation, even with access to mental health professionals.

Narcissists think it's not them, it's everyone else.

Do their children realize they’re likely passing on the dysfunction to their own children?

Not if they try to figure it out and stop it. My narcissistic mother never once put any thought or effort into improving herself or her relationships or her parenting or the affect she had on others. None. Zero. It doesn't interest her. She also does not care at all if someone else is happy or unhappy, experiencing comfort or discomfort, etc. I'm not perfect but I'm not like that. So I hope I'm giving my kids a completely different experience than the one I had.

You should be wondering what kind of childhood your mother had.

That narc translation dictionary is painfully hilarious.

Unfortunately my husband still hasn’t realized his mom is a narcissist.

I was late 30’s. On a long drive home from in-laws’ house I was reflecting on how MiL could drive me bananas and how some of her behavior, including toward her own disabled child, had been really abnormal and inappropriate. Perhaps because the term “narcissist” was being used a lot in the press regarding our then recently elected president, the word popped into my head, but I didn’t know if it fit. A few weeks later, I got up the courage to Google the clinical definition and to talk to a therapist. Within a month, I realized that part of the reason my husband and I understand each other so well is because we were both raised by narcs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if you’re one?

We all have narcissistic tendencies, but a true Narcissist would never ask that question. That’s how you know.

But how common is it for severely dysfunctional parents to have to have severely dysfunctional children?

The key to transforming that is to realize what's going on and wanting to change it.

I think most mentally struggling people know they have problems, but only a relatively few succeed in healing their dysfunction. That’s why family dysfunction tends repeat itself generation after generation, even with access to mental health professionals.

Narcissists think it's not them, it's everyone else.

Do their children realize they’re likely passing on the dysfunction to their own children?

Not if they try to figure it out and stop it. My narcissistic mother never once put any thought or effort into improving herself or her relationships or her parenting or the affect she had on others. None. Zero. It doesn't interest her. She also does not care at all if someone else is happy or unhappy, experiencing comfort or discomfort, etc. I'm not perfect but I'm not like that. So I hope I'm giving my kids a completely different experience than the one I had.

`

I think there are variations depending on who you're dealing with. I also read about the "dependent" narcissistic parent who crowds the kids and makes everything they do or experience about her, emotionally. So in that event she will care if people are happy or unhappy because it has a direct impact on her.

So I think its important to not put down hard and fast rules about narcissistic mothers - though there are definitely benchmarks.

True.