Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that he’s using a mental illness to say mom should only get 40% time, but if the kid is safe with mom 40% of the time the kid is probably safe 50% of the time. He’s better off being as amicable as possible with mom so that he gets extra time when mom needs additional support - rather than burning that bridge entirely.

This. My ex is mentally ill. I offered him 50/50 but he never took it. When the kids were little I invited him to our house to have dinner with kids and put them to bed. Even on his best days handling two of them entirely solo is overwhelming and anxiety-provoking. On his less well days he made transparently false excuses about why he couldn’t come, which I graciously accepted as true and stepped in with caring for the kids without complaint.

As a result, over time, he never had physical custody but visits with them multiple times a week on a pretty regular schedule. I have 100% custody with visitation 2 weekday evenings and 1 weekend day.

It was definitely a case of getting more with kindness than conflict.

I also completely agree with this and have had the same experience. My ex is mentally ill, and I keep things kind and cooperative between us. I let him have the kids as much as he wants - and it ends up being about 15 percent of the time. He just can't handle them more than that. I invite him to all their activities, over for holidays, etc., so he feels as involved as possible in their lives -- and the kids like having him around, too. But I am able to supervise. Trust me, I would not chose to spend my time with him, but I believe it's the best situation for my kids. And also the kind thing to do for him as he struggles.

In fact, we have no formal custody agreement, at the urging of my attorney who says he'd be entitled to a lot more time if we did go to court to fight it out.