but you had them

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised when talking to a married woman in late 30 who expressed how she hasn’t had kids due to the intensity of her health care work that leaves little time to pump or keep up with motherhood duties. It sounded like she wants to be a mom but has allowed her career to dictate whether she will be a mom or not. I find it strange because I come from a culture where ppl would never let a career get in the way of having kids they want to have and several women in my culture have jobs that are relentless.

Do you know ppl who have decided against kids due to careers? Do they regret it later? Did the satisfaction form their career outweighed the loss of not having children (assuming they want children)?

I had to wait longer than I wanted to start a family due to med school and residency - a seven year residency. So yes, my career dictated when I would have children. And I have no regrets.

I think there are some people who don’t really want kids. If you do, you find a way. Many have fears about motherhood after seeing their moms go through hell. There is little social support here for parents.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:She is an idiot. There is a reason why such idiots should not reproduce. Let her work to death.

The idiots are the self-absorbed, selfish women are those that have children and then hire nannies to rear them because they care more about their jobs than they care about their children? Yes, I am judging you.

And we judge you right back. You have such a poor view of the profession of care giving. In your mind, what’s the difference between an elementary school teacher, that deserves respect and has expertise, and a care giver for a younger child that, I’d argue, is equally skilled and professional? The world works best when people do what their passions and interests dictate and society pays them an honest wage for it. I am proud of the high quality care my DD has had and that she hasn’t staid home with an isolated SAH growing weirder and more dependent and childlike by the day. I’m proud that I make a multiple six figure salary and have for a decade now. I’m proud my husband values my job enough that he doesn’t push default parenting on me. I’m proud my daughter grows up knowing that women can be powerful financially and not just have a logo T-shirt about being “fierce”. And I’m proud of the care givers that give from their hearts daily and I gladly do whatever I can to show and advocate respect for them and higher wages.

So the only two choices are to work outside the home or to be isolated at home becoming weird, dependent, and childlike? Every parent who chooses to make their occupation the care of their own children is isolated, weird, dependent, and childlike? Interesting view of the world.

For some people, yes. Some people just shouldn’t stay home. It’s not healthy for them or their child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is an idiot. There is a reason why such idiots should not reproduce. Let her work to death.

The idiots are the self-absorbed, selfish women are those that have children and then hire nannies to rear them because they care more about their jobs than they care about their children? Yes, I am judging you.

And we judge you right back. You have such a poor view of the profession of care giving. In your mind, what’s the difference between an elementary school teacher, that deserves respect and has expertise, and a care giver for a younger child that, I’d argue, is equally skilled and professional? The world works best when people do what their passions and interests dictate and society pays them an honest wage for it. I am proud of the high quality care my DD has had and that she hasn’t staid home with an isolated SAH growing weirder and more dependent and childlike by the day. I’m proud that I make a multiple six figure salary and have for a decade now. I’m proud my husband values my job enough that he doesn’t push default parenting on me. I’m proud my daughter grows up knowing that women can be powerful financially and not just have a logo T-shirt about being “fierce”. And I’m proud of the care givers that give from their hearts daily and I gladly do whatever I can to show and advocate respect for them and higher wages.

So the only two choices are to work outside the home or to be isolated at home becoming weird, dependent, and childlike? Every parent who chooses to make their occupation the care of their own children is isolated, weird, dependent, and childlike? Interesting view of the world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is an idiot. There is a reason why such idiots should not reproduce. Let her work to death.

The idiots are the self-absorbed, selfish women are those that have children and then hire nannies to rear them because they care more about their jobs than they care about their children? Yes, I am judging you.

And we judge you right back. You have such a poor view of the profession of care giving. In your mind, what’s the difference between an elementary school teacher, that deserves respect and has expertise, and a care giver for a younger child that, I’d argue, is equally skilled and professional? The world works best when people do what their passions and interests dictate and society pays them an honest wage for it. I am proud of the high quality care my DD has had and that she hasn’t staid home with an isolated SAH growing weirder and more dependent and childlike by the day. I’m proud that I make a multiple six figure salary and have for a decade now. I’m proud my husband values my job enough that he doesn’t push default parenting on me. I’m proud my daughter grows up knowing that women can be powerful financially and not just have a logo T-shirt about being “fierce”. And I’m proud of the care givers that give from their hearts daily and I gladly do whatever I can to show and advocate respect for them and higher wages.

Nanny here. I devote myself completely to a family while I’m with them. I pick families who have two parents who live their kids, but are unwilling (or unable) to scale back on work. I can’t carry my own children, have no significant other, and while I volunteer with foster kids, it would be too heart wrenching to have to give up kids whom I had come to love as my own. By nannying, I’m able to keep just a tiny little barrier in my mind that they aren’t really mine, just mine to live for that time. I’ve lucked out with families who wanted a partner to raise their kids.

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised when talking to a married woman in late 30 who expressed how she hasn’t had kids due to the intensity of her health care work that leaves little time to pump or keep up with motherhood duties. It sounded like she wants to be a mom but has allowed her career to dictate whether she will be a mom or not. I find it strange because I come from a culture where ppl would never let a career get in the way of having kids they want to have and several women in my culture have jobs that are relentless.

Do you know ppl who have decided against kids due to careers? Do they regret it later? Did the satisfaction form their career outweighed the loss of not having children (assuming they want children)?

There is a difference between "being a parent" and "procreating." If your job is truly "relentless" then you are not being a parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here... I just think it’s so interesting given that everyone is replaceable at a job but to your family (again if you want one) you are not replaceable. I worked in hospice for a while and it’s really sad to see those without family upon death and in those times, careers don’t come up much.

Kids are no guarantee that you won't be alone in your elder years.

It's not a 100% guarantee but your odds are better than having no kids at all.

You need to go work in long term care. I’m going to tell you that the day to day waiting for children who “should” love you to visit is more agonizing to the residents, knowing they are alone.

Aside from that, I can’t even comment on the premise of having a child just so you won’t be alone when you’re older.

I had my DD while I was a Biglaw associate. It was extremely difficult and I got so intensely wrapped up in my responsibilities to clients and trying to make partner that I waited way too long to try for #2. And I lost on both ends - didn’t make partner and then could never get pregnant again despite spending an insane amount of money on fertility treatments. I deeply regret the whole thing.

Anonymous wrote:She is an idiot. There is a reason why such idiots should not reproduce. Let her work to death.

Unfortunately it sounds like you probably did.

Anonymous wrote:She is an idiot. There is a reason why such idiots should not reproduce. Let her work to death.

Nah. The idiots are the ones who have children but make no adjustments to their big career and dump their kids in daycare for 50 hours a week. At least this woman realizes she can’t do both — have a demanding career and be a good mom.

I would have loved to have two, but here's the thing. During my 30s, I was dealing with one medical emergency after another and had to scale back on my career. Because of my medical issues, biological kids was not possible. Once health became more stable, we went though a long adoption process and have a beautiful son. I would love to have two, but I feel like the multiple career setbacks due to health, plus the adoption, just feels like too much. I still get sad, but I am learning to accept that. and yes, I am judged all of the time for not putting family first---but just try walking in my shoes.

Anonymous wrote:
I'm the anomaly because my wife is wealthy and her job is just a hobby type job, not a career like mine. She took a leave and stayed home starting at 8 weeks, so after giving birth and being off for those 8 weeks, I was able to jump right back in and didn't lose too much momentum. In fact, I gained some more respect from the men for coming back so soon instead of the 12-16 most other women took. Again, it's not fair, but that's how it is in my field.

Leaving time off on the table just makes it harder for other women who don't have a wealthy wife with a hobby type job. Shit like this is part of the reason this country doesn't have real leave policies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here... I just think it’s so interesting given that everyone is replaceable at a job but to your family (again if you want one) you are not replaceable. I worked in hospice for a while and it’s really sad to see those without family upon death and in those times, careers don’t come up much.

Kids are no guarantee that you won't be alone in your elder years.

It's not a 100% guarantee but your odds are better than having no kids at all.