Anonymous
12/30/2019 09:43
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I finally buckled down at the beginning of 2019 and lost the 30 pounds that had crept up over the last decade. I feel a lot more confident and DH is visibly happier though the poor guy never said anything before.
This makes me sad. What happens if it creeps back on in the future (menopause, anyone?) Will he become visibly unhappy?
Don't go borrowing trouble, Eeyore!
Did you not read that the DH never said anything before even when the DW was 30 lbs overweight. He is a good DH, and the poster should be applauded for taking the initiative and losing the weight.
Anonymous
12/30/2019 09:35
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Very interesting responses. I see some repeated that I am going to try:
Accept and appreciate your spouse.
Respect and support your spouse.
Listen to and acknowledge your spouse.
If you feel like your spouse isn’t doing this for you, calmly tell them your concerns.
For those that have successfully done #1 - how were you able to do it? Every day I give myself a pep talk that I will be positive and within 20min I find myself angry that dh is fiddling on his phone in the corner while I’m trying to juggle two toddlers, get breakfast, pack for daycare etc etc etc.
What you are describing in not #1. You are describing a different scenario - how to work well together while parenting.
You need to give him explicit directions, calmly, sweetly, with a smile on your face..instead of getting angry or stewing Men are not malicious. They are just very, very, very, very oblivious. And yes, they have no idea that they should chip in and do the work because they are very oblivious.
"Honey, can you put on Larlo's shoes, while I brush Larla's hair?" And to your kids you need to turn and say, "Larlo, daddy is going to put on your shoes, and lets see if you can help getting it done by the time mommy finishes counting to 60. Ready? Set? Go...."
When he does what you ask, you say - "Wow, great job both of you! Honey, You make it look easy. Can you do x now so that I can finish doing y, so that we can bundle them up in the car and be on our way!"
And when you are on your way to wherever you are going...reach out, touch his arm and say, "We make such a great parenting team."
Ignore the bad behavior, give explicit instructions with a smile on your face, reward the good behavior.
+1. Pretty much this. Men need to be told. Most women will wait for him to offer (ha!) and then put when he doesn’t- then the DH think you are a moody witch for no reason. Instead ask them nicely and specifically to do things, and they usually will. Also I found that talking my DH up to others- family and friends (oh my DH is so hopeful! He is really hands on with the kids and does xyz around the house too!” )- ideally within DHs earshot lol. Even if it isn’t quite true- it is amazing how they will puff up with pride and rise to the occasion. I complement and point out his parenting skills and helpfulness a lot in front of others which encourages more of it.
And men wonder why we call them children sometimes...but taking the above route works a lot better then acting like a bitter shrew
Anonymous
12/30/2019 09:33
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:I finally buckled down at the beginning of 2019 and lost the 30 pounds that had crept up over the last decade. I feel a lot more confident and DH is visibly happier though the poor guy never said anything before.
This makes me sad. What happens if it creeps back on in the future (menopause, anyone?) Will he become visibly unhappy?
Anonymous
12/30/2019 09:21
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Very interesting responses. I see some repeated that I am going to try:
Accept and appreciate your spouse.
Respect and support your spouse.
Listen to and acknowledge your spouse.
If you feel like your spouse isn’t doing this for you, calmly tell them your concerns.
For those that have successfully done #1 - how were you able to do it? Every day I give myself a pep talk that I will be positive and within 20min I find myself angry that dh is fiddling on his phone in the corner while I’m trying to juggle two toddlers, get breakfast, pack for daycare etc etc etc.
What you are describing in not #1. You are describing a different scenario - how to work well together while parenting.
You need to give him explicit directions, calmly, sweetly, with a smile on your face..instead of getting angry or stewing Men are not malicious. They are just very, very, very, very oblivious. And yes, they have no idea that they should chip in and do the work because they are very oblivious.
"Honey, can you put on Larlo's shoes, while I brush Larla's hair?" And to your kids you need to turn and say, "Larlo, daddy is going to put on your shoes, and lets see if you can help getting it done by the time mommy finishes counting to 60. Ready? Set? Go...."
When he does what you ask, you say - "Wow, great job both of you! Honey, You make it look easy. Can you do x now so that I can finish doing y, so that we can bundle them up in the car and be on our way!"
And when you are on your way to wherever you are going...reach out, touch his arm and say, "We make such a great parenting team."
Ignore the bad behavior, give explicit instructions with a smile on your face, reward the good behavior.
Anonymous
12/30/2019 09:00
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Very interesting responses. I see some repeated that I am going to try:
Accept and appreciate your spouse.
Respect and support your spouse.
Listen to and acknowledge your spouse.
If you feel like your spouse isn’t doing this for you, calmly tell them your concerns.
For those that have successfully done #1 - how were you able to do it? Every day I give myself a pep talk that I will be positive and within 20min I find myself angry that dh is fiddling on his phone in the corner while I’m trying to juggle two toddlers, get breakfast, pack for daycare etc etc etc.
Anonymous
12/30/2019 04:20
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Very interesting responses. I see some repeated that I am going to try:
Accept and appreciate your spouse.
Respect and support your spouse.
Listen to and acknowledge your spouse.
If you feel like your spouse isn’t doing this for you, calmly tell them your concerns.
Accept and appreciate your spouse.
Respect and support your spouse.
Listen to and acknowledge your spouse.
If you feel like your spouse isn’t doing this for you, calmly tell them your concerns.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 23:48
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
I finally buckled down at the beginning of 2019 and lost the 30 pounds that had crept up over the last decade. I feel a lot more confident and DH is visibly happier though the poor guy never said anything before.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 23:29
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:I came from a physically demonstrative family. I have no problem giving and asking my kids for kisses and hugs several times a day. DH is very reserved and so is his family of origin. I realized that DH loved getting hugs and kisses but was not comfortable asking for it. I started kissing and hugging him each time I kissed and hugged my kids, and now the kids automatically hug and kiss him when they kiss me. I know DH feels very happy with this. DH also like me to continue kissing and hugging him though he will not initiate. If I stop doing it or am away for a few days, he complains about it...but the silly man will still not initiate, unless I ask for it.
I love this! So sweet.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:53
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
To stop criticizing his job and accept I will always be the bread winner. Struggled for several years with the fact my dh could be making double if he didn’t work for a non profit. He loves his job and though we are not financially strapped, I would feel a lot better if he made more money which he could easily do and I wouldn’t haven’t to work two jobs to get through the daycare years.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:42
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
I came from a physically demonstrative family. I have no problem giving and asking my kids for kisses and hugs several times a day. DH is very reserved and so is his family of origin. I realized that DH loved getting hugs and kisses but was not comfortable asking for it. I started kissing and hugging him each time I kissed and hugged my kids, and now the kids automatically hug and kiss him when they kiss me. I know DH feels very happy with this. DH also like me to continue kissing and hugging him though he will not initiate. If I stop doing it or am away for a few days, he complains about it...but the silly man will still not initiate, unless I ask for it.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:33
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:DH's parenting may be a different style than mine but he has every right (a 50% right) to parent.
Me too.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:31
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:To not think about chores or anything regarding effort as 50/50. Do what you can. Some days you can do 75% and some days they can. It’s not about keeping score. Luckily, I am with someone who also thinks this way and doesn’t take advantage of it.
This is very good advice. Thank you.
+1
We have done the same thing in our long marriage. We are together one unit. As we age, medical issues will also prevent people from contributing equally, and that is a reality of life. What we have evolved into an an older couple is trying to make things easier for our spouse in all ways. When you want to serve the other person and bring comfort to them, life becomes sweeter and easier.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:31
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
I stopped wearing flannel pajamas that would be complimented by high school girls at a sleepover, to bed.
DH very tentatively and sheepishly asked me to level up in this department, and I took the ball and ran with it. I'm still comfortable, but he views me as a bit more mature, I think.
DH very tentatively and sheepishly asked me to level up in this department, and I took the ball and ran with it. I'm still comfortable, but he views me as a bit more mature, I think.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:26
Subject: Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
DH's parenting may be a different style than mine but he has every right (a 50% right) to parent.
Anonymous
12/29/2019 22:22
Subject: Re:Whats the thing you’ve changed about yourself that had a positive impact on your marriage
I have started to really appreciate the goodness and empathy that my spouse has for others. My aim in my marital life is very simple - what can I do to make my DH feel like the luckiest husband and feel a sense of deep happiness, fulfillment and pride in the life and family we have created. He is a very good dad, husband, son, IL, friend, employer, employee, neighbor, citizen. I make sure that I let him know how proud I am of him.