Anonymous wrote:Do a secret santa gift with a hard limit on what the gift should cost.

We did this in our family for the second time this year. 7 people draw one name each. $50 dollar limit. My brother has never ever gotten anyone a gift. He bowed out both years after receiving a gift himself. He's 34.

OP, in my brother's case, he views present shopping as "women's work" since my SAHM always bought all of the presents at Christmas. She even did the ones for my Dad's family. I'm assuming he'll start sending gifts once he has a wife to do it for him.

Yes, he's an entitled jerk. My parents raised him that way.

This thread is insane.

Anonymous wrote:All he wants for Christmas is his real family.

Yep. The boy just wants his Mommy and Daddy together forever. And who is this evil stepmother who dares to interlope like she has some sort of reason to even be there? And DARES to say anything "mean" to him! Oh the horror -- a 26-year old's precious ears should NEVER hear criticism.

Anonymous wrote:Are grandma and dad upset? Or just you, the stepmom?

I ask because in my family the gifts flow down, not up. It would be weird if we brought gifts for grandparents.

+1

So stop buying him presents, if he has made the tradition for him that adults don't buy presents then don't buy for him either.

When he gets upset tell him that he doesn't have a present for anyone else so it must be fine that company is all that is required.

If he doesn't have to give gifts, why do you? Just stop doing it and you won't be resentful of not receiving anything from him. He won't learn until the same thing is done to him or he may be relieved, perhaps he is a minimalist as a lot of young people are and he doesn't actually appreciate stuff as much as you think.

All he wants for Christmas is his real family.

OP, you don't have a stepson problem. You have a DH problem.

The reason your SS is obtuse and self-absorbed is because he was raised that way. Blame your husband and SS's mother for that. I am sure he was guilt-parented and any attempts to teach him manners or courtesy were cast aside in favor of spoiling him and catering to his whims.

FWIW, this is not an uncommon situation with the latest crop of children of divorce. You certainly won't change him, not with words or even a stick to the head. If his own father doesn't care to address it with him, you won't have any success.

My suggestion to you is disengage from this guy. Treat him like a young coworker of your DH who you don't like. Be polite but distant and ignore him as much as possible. And certainly don't spend any time or effort on trying to "fix" what was broken probably long before you came on the scene.

This may also be a time to review your estate plan with your DH. I sure as heck would take SS's behavior into consideration when doing so.

My kids have been “buying” or making each other Christmas gifts since they were 2 and 4. They also buy or make something (together) for each parent. They’re often incredibly thoughtful about it and get excited to give the gifts. But this is something we have cultivated from a young age. We love the homemade things as much as the purchased items. There’s no minimum (but there is a maximum!). Sounds like maybe he didn’t get that upbringing and so he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s supposed to do?

It’s pretty clear that you don’t like him. That said, I agree with you, not about gifts, but about chipping in as a family member. Clean up, bring flowers, etc. how long have you been his stepmom? Did you teach him any of this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are grandma and dad upset? Or just you, the stepmom?

I ask because in my family the gifts flow down, not up. It would be weird if we brought gifts for grandparents.

This! Our parents and grandparents (all deceased now) don’t want or expect anything. We often bring consumable items, gift cards to a nice restaurant (and I am not even sure they use those!), framed photos of the kids, or go in with siblings on something. But they have everything they need and will say so themselves. It is more about spending time together and being thought of- that is all they really want. They would be thrilled to have their son/grandson at Christmas (only thing they want) and as a bonus to bring his girlfriend.

My MIL mentioned once that half of FILs closet is full of never used gifts etc and he takes many others straight to the homeless shelter etc. He has everything he needs and is a simple, humble, religious man. He doesn’t want material things- he just wants to spend time with family.

I don’t get you OP.

This is how it works in our family, too. I imagine I will spoil my kids rotten even when they are mid 20s and expect nothing in return. It will bring me great joy and all I want is to have them home. Gift giving isn’t supposed to be a transaction.

Anonymous wrote:To me, it's a matter of character, thoughtfulness, and awareness.

When I was 12, with no prodding from anyone, I took my babysitting cache and took the bus 10 miles or so to a shopping center where there was a Woolworth's. Bought probably 12 gifts (for two grandmas, parents, sibling, cousins, etc.). I still remember what I got my grandmas - two really pretty music boxes. I was so THRILLED to be able to do this! Carried all of that stuff home on the bus, then walked a mile from the bus stop to my house.

Not bragging, but am proud of my character, and really don't like it when people make excuses for people with weak character. There is NO REASON a young man with a job cannot go to CVS or Walgreen's and buy some cheap gift (at least) for people they are supposed to care about.

So your love language must be gifts. For many people, it is not. I wouldn’t find it “thoughtful” for a 26 year old to go buy cheap gifts from CVS to appease people. I would find it wasteful, awkward and uncomfortable. I’m much rather have nothing. (Cute from a 12 year old but not a 26 year old)

As step-mom, it’s not your place to say anything, especially if you never provided him parental care as a child. MYOB.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird for a 26 yo to buy a step mom a present.

What is your age difference?

Do you work?

You’re not even related to him. Grandparents don’t get gifts in our
House either.

That sounds straight up crazy. Why do grandparents not get gifts? Serious question. In our family, grandmas get the most gifts in quantity and quality. ALWAYS.

Np: Because Grandma needs/wants nothing. She is actively trying to give stuff away. Her gift (she says it every year) is family time.

Anonymous wrote:You "greeted" someone on Christmas by asking where the gifts were?

Ew.

Please refrain from saying you celebrate Christmas; you don't. You celebrate Winter Gifting Red-and-Green-Ween. You certainly don't celebrate Christmas.

It’s Saturnalia.The solstice, gift giving, but also lots and lots of debauchery.

Anonymous wrote:He should not be expected to buy parents or adults gifts. That is bizarre.

I think you misunderstood. He’s 26, an adult, working, etc.