Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:40     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do offer to help my son, but she's the one typically "doing things" when I offer. She likes to cook and make holiday meals, etc. So I'll talk to him, but he defers to her. If I offer to clean to him and she overhears, she says no.

I put this thread in this forum for a reason. Please, I'm looking for advice from my contemporaries.


Then offer to clean HIS office or do HIS laundry. Rearrange HIS closet. Go harass YOUR son for ways to make you feel useful and helpful in his house.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:40     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
OP is intent on being miserable.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:39     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do offer to help my son, but she's the one typically "doing things" when I offer. She likes to cook and make holiday meals, etc. So I'll talk to him, but he defers to her. If I offer to clean to him and she overhears, she says no.

I put this thread in this forum for a reason. Please, I'm looking for advice from my contemporaries.


How old are you? I'm 53 and while I have no grandchildren, yet, I am certainly old enough to have them and I've been a DIL.

Stop worrying about cleaning your DIL's home. She is not inviting you over to do that. You are there to visit with your grandchildren, your son and to have a nice dinner. Play with your grandchildren. If you don't know what to do, give us their ages and we can suggest some fun things for you to do with them.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:38     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
I feel much more comfortable asking my own parents to do things. Just like they feel more comfortable asking me instead of my husband. I think my MIL is great. But she is not my mother. Because of this, she gets a more polite version of me. I am more comfortable and less polite with my own parents.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:35     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
OP here. I do offer to help my son, but she's the one typically "doing things" when I offer. She likes to cook and make holiday meals, etc. So I'll talk to him, but he defers to her. If I offer to clean to him and she overhears, she says no.

I put this thread in this forum for a reason. Please, I'm looking for advice from my contemporaries.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:33     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.


OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.


That is one distorted view. You have the opportunity to have some fun with your grandkids and make memories with them and here you are worrying about your grandchildren not seeing you in the kitchen doing something "important" like peeling the potatoes? Come on. Your DIL is absolutely right, you need to work on building a special relationship with your grandkids. If you don't know what to do with them ask your son for help.

You may be more comfortable peeling the potatoes or folding laundry but your grandkids will remember you playing Go Fish and reading with them! Do that!
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:33     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.


OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.


You're reading way too much into it. The grandkids are going to see you as fun grandma who plays with them. No way is a kid going to pick up on the dynamic you describe. One set of grandparents plays with DS a ton whenever they come over. The other one doesn't and is usually itching to help out. Guess which set of grandparents DS would rather visit?
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:31     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Haha my mom helps with laundry or cleaning because I long ago decided what hills I'm willing to die on with her. Before it used to turn into an argument but now I let her do a couple of things and it's much better. I'm not thrilled with it but the alternative is worse. I really do want you to relax or play with DS.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:29     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.


OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:25     Subject: Re:DIL won't let me do anything for her
When the DIL has just had the baby, she wants you to clean, cook, do laundry and take care of the baby while she sleeps. When the kids are no longer nursing DIL would like you to play with them. read them stories, do crafts with them (and also clean up) and keep them entertained safely. It is truly as easy as that.

If DIL is working and the house is a mess, you can clean then - maybe! Your DIL needs a Mrs Doubtfire.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:15     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:Why do you think because she declines your help with regard to chores that you're doing something wrong?

Maybe she doesn't need assistance.
Maybe she takes pride in managing her own household.
Maybe it's cultural and she was raised to cater to guests not put them to work.
Could be any number of things that don't have anything to do with you.

Relax and be a grandmother.


100%. She IS accepting your help; when you offer to help, she wants help with the kids. Not the laundry, not the cooking. The kids.

That IS help. So she is allowing you to help in the home she shares with DH.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 18:13     Subject: Re:DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:Either she's a control freak or she's trying very hard to be a polite host but doesn't know that she's actually being impolite since she's making you feel uncomfortable in her home. Have you talked to her?


Woah, there. It is not "impolite," at all, to politely decline help in your own home.

Let this sink in, ladies: Help is only help if it is wanted.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 17:25     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL. I refuse all help because I come onto nasty sites like DCUM and MILs are whining about being "forced childcare" for their DILs. And they bemoan how millennials need help and shouldn't have had kids if they need help.

But honestly, I just wish my inlaws played with my kids more. But if I leave them alone in the playroom to get quality time, they feel like they're babysitting. I kinda can't win.


Funny, that is my mom, not MIL.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 17:21     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
OP, we can't take you seriously until you come back and answer a few questions, especially about your son and where he fits into helping.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2019 17:19     Subject: DIL won't let me do anything for her
This post could possibly be about me. Maybe I AM a control freak but I would prefer to do household chores myself. For example, the last time MIL visited, she used the sponge I clean the sink with to clean the dishes and the counters, which was a nice gesture but really just made more work for me. I would much rather her entertain my kids so things can get done to my specifications. Please don't take it personally. Help her where she directs you.