Anonymous wrote:Our DS, 5.5, is definitely not getting the video games on his Christmas list.

And when he has been off-the-charts poorly behaved in the past 2 weeks I have told him that on Christmas Day, if he doesn't get everything on his list, he should think about what he was doing when Santa was watching. Guess I'm Draconian!

There’s a difference between not getting everything they want and getting nothing. I personally don’t believe in getting “everything” anyway.

I still remember when I was 4 and my mom read a letter that "Santa" sent to our house after "observing" me being naughty to my little brother. Scared me straight for years!

I think I even still have that letter in a box somewhere. It said something about how he'd seen me being mean to my brother and had decided that I was not getting a Cabbage Patch doll that I wanted. I didn't get the doll that year either.

Our DS, 5.5, is definitely not getting the video games on his Christmas list.

And when he has been off-the-charts poorly behaved in the past 2 weeks I have told him that on Christmas Day, if he doesn't get everything on his list, he should think about what he was doing when Santa was watching. Guess I'm Draconian!

OP here. I'm not a troll, but you guys are right, I'm not really going to give my kid coal. Just posted this after a really rough morning (in a really rough week, month, etc...) I think part of what I need to do is stop leaning on the whole, "be good because of santa" line, because then it feels like a sort of fake threat. Thanks to the PP who suggested the PEP classes. Sometimes I think things are going well, but lately it seems like, well, they are not. And thanks to those who shared stories about people who had received coal--helped me snap back and remember I really don't want to ruin christmas for him! Sigh. Merry Christmas to all.

I have been where you are. Last year, my kid was a terror. I didn’t have a solid parenting foundation beyond “spanking is bad”, so I just tried stuff. It didn’t work. I got A LOT of side-eye. Finally, I went to parenting courses through PEP. They are located in Maryland, but some courses are available online. The classes really helped. Unfortunately, our kid got a new sibling, and the bottom fell out again. We actually started seeing a therapist for parenting lessons. I have written about it elsewhere on the site. I would try an 8-week PEP class first, because it’s so much cheaper, and the rapport you develop with other parents is nice.

For this week, I would set up a sticker chart to get you through. Just don’t tie it to Santa or Christmas presents. Not optimal parenting at all, but better than ruining Christmas. Classes start up again in January.

Odd seasonal consequences might work in the short term, but you won’t be building his character, which is the goal. Let us know how it goes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That'll be a great Christmas memory and really set the tone for the upcoming year. I'm almost positive it will result in better behavior, right? Because four year olds are completely logical beings and 100% in control of their emotions.

You sound like an asshole, OP. Merry Christmas.

+1

OP, he's behaving badly because that's the best that he can do. He's not doing it on purpose. Give him a hug, not coal.

+1 he’s 4 op


It is really really hard. But you need to remember he’s 4.

My dad swears he got coal in his stocking as a kid. I don't suggest it as he's kind of messed up.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone actually have Santa give our coal? i'm considering it. My kid (4) has been spectacularly naughty lately. Without getting into the mitigating reasons and the rest, just take my word, this is his worst behavior. Now, I'm not sure what effect consequences from Santa would have. Anyone followed through with the naughty side of "he knows if you've been naughty or nice"?

It is your job as a parent to discipline your child. You want a fictional character to do it for you? And we do Santa at our house. But we don't use him to threaten.

One year Santa left blocks of wood in my and my siblings stockings. We were all older elementary/middle school so old enough to understand that it was from my parents and to know exactly what it meant - we were being rotten kids. We still got the normal amount of presents and candy and we all laugh about it at the time, but it stuck with us and we tried to do better.

No way would a 4-year-old understand what it meant.

There’s a difference between a consequence and punishment. Punishment is punitive, and the goal is to deprive of comfort. Consequences naturally happen as a result of every action, and they may be positive, negative or neutral. I would highly suggest research into discipline (that which helps teach self-discipline) rather than imposing coal as a punishment. It’s not age-appropriate, and it won’t have the desired effect.

OTOH, I don’t buy into every child needing to be told about Santa. There are plenty of children around the world who celebrate other holidays or celebrate Christmas with Santa Claus. The spirit of giving is much more important than the act of receiving, and it’s meant to be year-long.

I'm thinking that bad parenting is playing a role in his poor behavior. Wild guess.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone actually have Santa give our coal? i'm considering it. My kid (4) has been spectacularly naughty lately. Without getting into the mitigating reasons and the rest, just take my word, this is his worst behavior. Now, I'm not sure what effect consequences from Santa would have. Anyone followed through with the naughty side of "he knows if you've been naughty or nice"?

Do not do this. Horrible idea.

If you think not giving a gift is going to impact your child’s behavior, you’re saying you think that he has control of his actions and is willfully disobeying you. If that’s the case, learn some child psychology (parenting classes help) and figure out how to motivate your child to do better (usually rewarding is better than punishing).

If you’re doing this as a last ditch effort because nothing you’ve tried has worked, and you think this won’t work either because your kid can’t control himself and you’re helpless to properly guide him, get him the help you all need (parenting classes and advice or referral to a specialist from your pediatrician).

Don’t pass the buck to Santa. That’s worse than a mom saying, “just wait until your father gets home and sees what you’ve done.” Discipline should be private, swift and relevant to the situation so the child can learn how to behave better. Passive aggressiveness from a beloved holiday icon is going to teach lessons you don’t want your kid to learn, like love and family traditions are conditional and only for the good kids, adults can’t be trusted (especially if a mall Santa already said he’d bring a gift), and that he can’t win so why try. Later when he learns it wasn’t some fat dude from the North Pole who jilted him, and it was really his parents, he’ll transfer those feelings to you and probably have some issues to work through, especially considering he’s a little out of control already. If he has anxiety (which presents with so many learning and behavioral disorders), I can see being publicly rejected by Santa/parents making that worse.

I can’t think of anyone I know who wouldn’t have lasting affects from their parents pulling crap like that, the least of which would be putting a damper on gift giving and/or the winter holiday season.

Dumbest thing I’ve seen about Santa on DCUM.

Four year old child. if he/she is acting up Xmas eve or morning (I grew up in an xmas eve family) you discipline then, which might mean a delay in opening presents. No coal.

There's a few wacko posters here.