Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:30     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.


You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.


What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you

But you’re judging OP when you know nothing of her husband’s circumstances with his parents. Pot, meet kettle.


Nope, I was not judging her at all... I said that maybe I can’t relate because my parents are (in my opinion) great and DH ‘s parents are good too. I simply offered another suggestion for OP. Maybe she feels bad because her own kids are missing out. Again, maybe her in laws are just bad people with nothing to offer, but in my case it’s very different. Even DH’s parents that are older and can’t do much with grandkids can still teach them things we won’t be able to teach them ourselves. It’s more people that love them... again, maybe OP’s in laws are just horrible, but if they aren’t and simply aren’t perfect, then maybe she can try a little harder for her children’s sake... that’s all
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:21     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.


You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.


What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you

But you’re judging OP when you know nothing of her husband’s circumstances with his parents. Pot, meet kettle.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:18     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.


You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.


What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:12     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:You can’t spend at least Christmas Eve with them?

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO THEM!
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:11     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
You can’t spend at least Christmas Eve with them?
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:10     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.


You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:07     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

That’s awesome. Too bad though that it’s the op’s HUSBAND who is the one distancing his family, and seemingly for good reason. Also, maybe your SIL doesn’t need or want to be ‘bought’ with fancy things like you do. Just saying.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 15:00     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 11:12     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's grieving the relationship you WISH you had. That never actually existed.

Give it time and support your DH.


Winner winner chicken dinner!


Gosh I was just thinking this today. What they are doing specifically today didn't hurt me, but it does remind me of what I will never have and that was kind of a bummer. For about five minutes anyway, and then I hung out with my own kid and totally forgot all about it. Just know your kids will have such a different life than you did.


I agree with all these posters. OP, I think you're doing all you can do by breaking the cycle with your own kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 11:11     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
As others have said part of why you feel guilty is society has these rules about family and what we suck up for them. DH and I went to therapy years ago to deal with his abusive mother-alcoholic abusive mother. The therapist agreed everything described was ABUSE, but she was a member of the suck it up generation and kept saying, "but she's family." We found another therapist who was appalled this woman was so flippant not just about MIL's abusive behavior, but about what it was doing to us and out kids emotionally and physically. The second therapist helped us to set boundaries and when that was rejected, she helped us to be at peace with distance.

Had a close friend who was very judgmental about how we were handling the abusive behavior and took the whole :but she's family" view. Her parents and inlaws at the time were a dream. Several years later her inlaws got very judgmental of her parenting choices and were quite vocal and cruel. Suddenly she had to set boundaries and distance and she understood.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 09:47     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
If he's not making it an issue between the two of you, then please god don't you insert yourself. He's handling his relationship with his mother in the way that he thinks is the healthiest, without making you the villain. Take this as the rare gift that it is and just focus on your own family.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 08:28     Subject: Re:I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
I pretty much could’ve written your post.

You feel guilty because (1) Society says you should- see some of the posters on this thread and (2) you COULD do more to encourage the relationship but choose not to, and that is a good thing for your own family IMO

Never mind the people who are blessed with parents and ILs who are not like this- they will never understand.

Even though you COULD do more as I said above- it would not be the best thing for your marriage and would really just be a bandaid on the situation. DH and his parents need to manage their own relationship.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 07:45     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:You feel bad because people with warm genuine hearts feel bad when there is discord in the family.

However I can guarantee you that your in-laws don't feel bad. They just want to manipulate things to get their own way. They want to win. If they get their own way they will feel smug with no empathy for you.

So don't feel bad, state your boundary and stick to it.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 05:52     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Give it time. You will stop feeling bad about it.

I hope so. I think what I’m doing is looking at it though the lenses of a loving parent who puts a lot of positive energy into her relationship with her children, and feeling empathy for that parent. But MIL isn’t that parent, so I shouldn’t. DH knows this, I know this, but I don’t think MIL does. In a strange way, I pity her. I’m sad for her that she wasn’t a better parent. That probably makes no sense.


Just think...if you have boys you too will have a son who is apathetic towards you and a DIL who will be gleeful to not see you over the holidays. Just enjoy your kids now. The clock is ticking.


No not all sons are apathetic. Most I know keep regular contact with their families. And if you are nice to your DIL chances are she will be nice back. DIL's don't just ignore their MIL's for no reason, usually there are plenty of reasons for doing so.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2019 05:46     Subject: I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?
You feel bad because people with warm genuine hearts feel bad when there is discord in the family.

However I can guarantee you that your in-laws don't feel bad. They just want to manipulate things to get their own way. They want to win. If they get their own way they will feel smug with no empathy for you.

So don't feel bad, state your boundary and stick to it.