Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

If I were you, I would work on getting over the lingering resentment because I would want my second child to have a genetic connection with my husband and first child, if possible. You will be the baby's mother no matter what!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

I'm a pp. If you were wanting to adopt in order to deprive your husband of a biological connection because you're angry with him then yes - I would react the same way.

Decisions about creating/adopting/parenting kids should never start in anger or be driven by punitive intent. It's just wrong OP.

I'm obviously not creating a child for a punitive intent. I'm simply saying I'm not comfortable with my husband having a genetic connection to the child, but me not having any.

Nothing about this will be fair no matter what you do. DH won’t get the carry the kid for nine months or have the option to nurse. You can explain all you want, but a bevy of strangers can feel your anger through the Internet. That’s not a good way to make life decisions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

Yes! I would be yelling if you laid out the same argument and asked if you should adopt.

And there's no way you'd get approved for adoption after the adoption counselor met with both you and your husband.

I don't understand why this is not getting through to you?! You are being petty and vindictive. What you are doing is the equivalent of when we hear a news story of a mother killing her kids because she didn't want them to be parented by a stepmom or a boyfriend killing an ex-girlfriend because if he couldn't have her, no one could. It's insane!

I'm sorry, but this ultimatum you're proposing is going to backfire. Are you you prepared to solo parent? Because that's where this is headed. And then you'll be left with your anger during a "his holiday" as you watch your ex and his new wife expand their family with your child without you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

I'm a pp. If you were wanting to adopt in order to deprive your husband of a biological connection because you're angry with him then yes - I would react the same way.

Decisions about creating/adopting/parenting kids should never start in anger or be driven by punitive intent. It's just wrong OP.

I'm obviously not creating a child for a punitive intent. I'm simply saying I'm not comfortable with my husband having a genetic connection to the child, but me not having any.

I mean, you do realize you're being petty, correct? That does register in your brain?

I think you should work on parenting your one child and making his/her life amazing, get therapy for the internalized anger you feel towards him (and yourself), and then perhaps look into adoption of a child when you're in a better head-space.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe some counseling? This is a big decision. You have no idea who the parents are in donor embryo. At least you know your baby will be half your DH. If you are not comfortable with that maybe you should stay with one and done.

But you have the same amount of information on a donor egg. And, typically, donor embryos are from couples that are more highly educated than donors of donor eggs. From my perspective I could be one and done, I just don't want DC to grow up without a sibling. Very important to me.

That is not accurate.

The highly educated almost always = wealthy. Wealthy = can afford the storage fees. Or, they donate them for research purposes. Only 6% of leftover embryos are donated to others for implantation and less than 1% of those are from wealthy, highly educated couples.

Donated embryos typically come from middle class to UMC people. They used up a significant portion of their savings to have the procedures and once they've successfully had one or two kids, they do not use their precious resources on storage fees. However, like I said, only 6% are even donated to other couples. Most choose to simply have them destroyed.

Also, you better come up with a better reason for wanting to use a donated embryo vs. egg because even facilities that aren't top notch require counseling. As soon as they hear your reason, you'll be omitted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

I'm a pp. If you were wanting to adopt in order to deprive your husband of a biological connection because you're angry with him then yes - I would react the same way.

Decisions about creating/adopting/parenting kids should never start in anger or be driven by punitive intent. It's just wrong OP.

I'm obviously not creating a child for a punitive intent. I'm simply saying I'm not comfortable with my husband having a genetic connection to the child, but me not having any.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

I'm a pp. If you were wanting to adopt in order to deprive your husband of a biological connection because you're angry with him then yes - I would react the same way.

Decisions about creating/adopting/parenting kids should never start in anger or be driven by punitive intent. It's just wrong OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

No bc a donor embryo does not equal a living, breathing human already in the world.

Anonymous wrote:If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

So what if I was considering simply adopting? Would you all be yelling at me that no, I should do a donor egg?

If you are this bitter and angry towards him, and you already have a child...why on earth are you still together?

I agree with a PP...in denying your DH a biological connection to a second child, you are also denying your first child a biological connection to a sibling. Have you considered that at all?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe some counseling? This is a big decision. You have no idea who the parents are in donor embryo. At least you know your baby will be half your DH. If you are not comfortable with that maybe you should stay with one and done.

But you have the same amount of information on a donor egg. And, typically, donor embryos are from couples that are more highly educated than donors of donor eggs. From my perspective I could be one and done, I just don't want DC to grow up without a sibling. Very important to me.

The way you made that assertion about “more highly educated” was really off-putting.

Anonymous wrote:Reading this makes me even more certain in our decision that our three spare, PGS-tested embryos from two highly educated parents are better off compassionately thawed than contributed to nutcases like OP.

Yep. It’s scary to think that your embryos could go out to the wrong kinds of people. Ugh

Reading this makes me even more certain in our decision that our three spare, PGS-tested embryos from two highly educated parents are better off compassionately thawed than contributed to nutcases like OP.