Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

And then OP wants to be left with the baby without the SIL (the new mom). Why? To pretend the SIL does not exist?

OP here. While I would love to bond with my niece, I have never asked for this... I still don’t understand why I can’t see her unless the mom is present as well, but I don’t argue with SIL about it... I never argue with her... I may not be very warm with her as I used to be, but I am not cold, mean, or argumentative. I simply don’t start conversations with her anynore

How do you know you can't if you have not asked? You contradict yourself. Also, I'd be very uncomfortable if I was asked to leave for my SIL to play with my baby. Believe me, if you don't stop meddling and trying to make her fit into your mold, you won't be seeing your niece at all. Let go, let her be, stop making it about ”us” vs ”her”. She wants to enjoy her new nuclear family, instead, she gets a call of new judgmental relatives with their expectations about her marriage. Do you want your brother to divorce? It looks like you are doing everything for this to happen.

Apart from the fact that I have 3 kids and I would be totally capable of taking care of my niece for a bit, I don’t ask because I know she would be very uncomfortable since I cannot see her unless she is also present. This is NOT normal come on! I cannot see my brother and his daughter... SIL leaves my brother with they daughter all the time since she works part time, but I cannot see the baby (10 months) unless she is also present. I don’t ask if I can be alone with niece because it would obviously be a no. BTW, my brother and his wife baby sat my kids many times... so I would not find it strange that they left me alone with their daughter at all

Let me rephrase in case I wasn’t clear. I cannot see my niece if she is alone with the nanny or with my brother. SIL has to be present. How can this be normal?!?! I understand if she thought I would harm the child, but this is the only situation in which I would understand such behavior! My parents have seen my brother and granddaughter without SIL without her knowing...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

And then OP wants to be left with the baby without the SIL (the new mom). Why? To pretend the SIL does not exist?

OP here. While I would love to bond with my niece, I have never asked for this... I still don’t understand why I can’t see her unless the mom is present as well, but I don’t argue with SIL about it... I never argue with her... I may not be very warm with her as I used to be, but I am not cold, mean, or argumentative. I simply don’t start conversations with her anynore

You still have not answered the question. Why do you want to see the niece when the mom is not present, what’s it to you? She is a nervous new mom with a baby who has gone through a health scare. You bet she does not want to leave her out of her sight, especially with someone she sees two weeks a year. This is not about you or your family, you have to start getting used to the fact that you are now in supporting and/or episodic roles. Maybe your SIL is going through something, maybe she has PPD, but she does not seem paranoid to me. You are clearly not supportive of her and her marriage, and you discuss these things with your brother/her DH.

Your family is too enmeshed and you aren’t capable of seeing it.

Your mom is over bearing. It’s not “just the way she is” she actually makes the choice to be that obnoxious.

Your brother doesn’t like you all that much. He says whatever you want to hear because he knows when dealing with you it’s the patch of least resistance and it gets rid of you fastest and ends the conversation.

He is not going to get divorced and isn’t even considering it. His wife saved him from you all and he is grateful.

Why find out for yourself? The next time instead of telling him how awful his wife is, tell him awful your are and how co dependent you are and how you know you have so many
issues. Bet you get a much different story from him and it won’t be about how miserable he is ....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

And then OP wants to be left with the baby without the SIL (the new mom). Why? To pretend the SIL does not exist?

OP here. While I would love to bond with my niece, I have never asked for this... I still don’t understand why I can’t see her unless the mom is present as well, but I don’t argue with SIL about it... I never argue with her... I may not be very warm with her as I used to be, but I am not cold, mean, or argumentative. I simply don’t start conversations with her anynore

How do you know you can't if you have not asked? You contradict yourself. Also, I'd be very uncomfortable if I was asked to leave for my SIL to play with my baby. Believe me, if you don't stop meddling and trying to make her fit into your mold, you won't be seeing your niece at all. Let go, let her be, stop making it about ”us” vs ”her”. She wants to enjoy her new nuclear family, instead, she gets a call of new judgmental relatives with their expectations about her marriage. Do you want your brother to divorce? It looks like you are doing everything for this to happen.

Apart from the fact that I have 3 kids and I would be totally capable of taking care of my niece for a bit, I don’t ask because I know she would be very uncomfortable since I cannot see her unless she is also present. This is NOT normal come on! I cannot see my brother and his daughter... SIL leaves my brother with they daughter all the time since she works part time, but I cannot see the baby (10 months) unless she is also present. I don’t ask if I can be alone with niece because it would obviously be a no. BTW, my brother and his wife baby sat my kids many times... so I would not find it strange that they left me alone with their daughter at all

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

And then OP wants to be left with the baby without the SIL (the new mom). Why? To pretend the SIL does not exist?

OP here. While I would love to bond with my niece, I have never asked for this... I still don’t understand why I can’t see her unless the mom is present as well, but I don’t argue with SIL about it... I never argue with her... I may not be very warm with her as I used to be, but I am not cold, mean, or argumentative. I simply don’t start conversations with her anynore

How do you know you can't if you have not asked? You contradict yourself. Also, I'd be very uncomfortable if I was asked to leave for my SIL to play with my baby. Believe me, if you don't stop meddling and trying to make her fit into your mold, you won't be seeing your niece at all. Let go, let her be, stop making it about ”us” vs ”her”. She wants to enjoy her new nuclear family, instead, she gets a call of new judgmental relatives with their expectations about her marriage. Do you want your brother to divorce? It looks like you are doing everything for this to happen.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don't see anything she did to you

She didn’t do anything to me... I think she is manipulating my brother to keep him away from us (hence the fact that he cannot join our family chat or she will get anxiety, etc.)... other than being a little rude and aggressive a couple of times (things that can happen in a family) she HS never done anything directly against me

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

OP here. Maybe I exaggerated. She asks 5 times and gets 4 NOs. She can only stay for half hour max and then she has to leave. Maybe that is normal in this country for grandparents that live 10 minutes from grand kids, but that is not the case for us. Our grandparents took care of us after school everyday. My mom is staying out and doing exactly what SIL wants. But things between my brother and his wife are not getting better.

Give them (and her specifically), let her drive, make your mom stop calling and asking to visit, let your SIL drive. Nobody cares what your grandparents did, it was between them and your parents. You are meddling and so does your mom.

This is what I have always done. My brother did not use to share much with me, but for the past couple of months he is and that is why I am also getting more sad... I am far away so I have always stayed mostly out of their lives. He has started calling me every week or more and while still not very open, he is starting to tell me that things are not good, that he hopes things will get better, etc.... he talks more to my dad because they work together and dad says he is very unhappy

Op, I don't see anything she did to you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

And then OP wants to be left with the baby without the SIL (the new mom). Why? To pretend the SIL does not exist?

OP here. While I would love to bond with my niece, I have never asked for this... I still don’t understand why I can’t see her unless the mom is present as well, but I don’t argue with SIL about it... I never argue with her... I may not be very warm with her as I used to be, but I am not cold, mean, or argumentative. I simply don’t start conversations with her anynore

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

OP here. Maybe I exaggerated. She asks 5 times and gets 4 NOs. She can only stay for half hour max and then she has to leave. Maybe that is normal in this country for grandparents that live 10 minutes from grand kids, but that is not the case for us. Our grandparents took care of us after school everyday. My mom is staying out and doing exactly what SIL wants. But things between my brother and his wife are not getting better.

Give them (and her specifically), let her drive, make your mom stop calling and asking to visit, let your SIL drive. Nobody cares what your grandparents did, it was between them and your parents. You are meddling and so does your mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

And then OP wants to be left with the baby without the SIL (the new mom). Why? To pretend the SIL does not exist?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep calling your niece “her baby”? I have a feeling your family snubbed her when she first came into the scene, maybe you said nothing directly but people can pick up rather quickly when they are put down or ridiculed. For your brother’s sake your family needs to give them space to work things out. She does not trust you all.

+1

Not at all! If anything my family is SUPER welcoming... maybe too much. Anything SIL wanted was important for us she had. One summer she was uncomfortable with her mattress in a summer house my parents rented and my dad and brother went out and bought her a new mattresse the following day. My mom would buy the fruit she likes, I would try my best, etx. It wasn’t fake... it’s just how we are... my mom can be overbearing and we all told her to stop asking to help and try to not be too present and she has been doing this for at least the last 9 months...
We were all happy at the beginning and Did not see anything bad because my brother was happy

Your brother was happy at the beginning and five years down the road, he’s not. Your SIL has 2 babies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep calling your niece “her baby”? I have a feeling your family snubbed her when she first came into the scene, maybe you said nothing directly but people can pick up rather quickly when they are put down or ridiculed. For your brother’s sake your family needs to give them space to work things out. She does not trust you all.

+1

Not at all! If anything my family is SUPER welcoming... maybe too much. Anything SIL wanted was important for us she had. One summer she was uncomfortable with her mattress in a summer house my parents rented and my dad and brother went out and bought her a new mattresse the following day. My mom would buy the fruit she likes, I would try my best, etx. It wasn’t fake... it’s just how we are... my mom can be overbearing and we all told her to stop asking to help and try to not be too present and she has been doing this for at least the last 9 months...
We were all happy at the beginning and Did not see anything bad because my brother was happy

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

OP here. Maybe I exaggerated. She asks 5 times and gets 4 NOs. She can only stay for half hour max and then she has to leave. Maybe that is normal in this country for grandparents that live 10 minutes from grand kids, but that is not the case for us. Our grandparents took care of us after school everyday. My mom is staying out and doing exactly what SIL wants. But things between my brother and his wife are not getting better.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep calling your niece “her baby”? I have a feeling your family snubbed her when she first came into the scene, maybe you said nothing directly but people can pick up rather quickly when they are put down or ridiculed. For your brother’s sake your family needs to give them space to work things out. She does not trust you all.

+1