Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 20:53     Subject: elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.


I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.


FMLA is unpaid leave, right? How could parents with young children afford to take FMLA to care for their parents. Yes, they might be able to return to their job and not get fired for missing work....but how are they going to support their family? Maybe I don't understand FMLA very well.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 20:53     Subject: Re:elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.


Neither should be "accommodated."


So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????


Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.


Hospice is skeletal and does not provide more than 4-6 hours a week of actual care. They will give you the thing you need like a hospital bed or a bed chair or a soft gel pillow for the wheelchair. The nurse will come once or twice a week. The social worker will come with the nurse about half the time- 30 minute visit. The doctor will come about once a month= 30 minute visit. We also had someone come to bathe my father 3x a week - 30 minutes each visit. You also have to be there when all the people come. You will still have to toilet your parent. You will still have to move your parent from the bed to a chair. YOU will still have to clean and make the bed, give shots, dress any bandages, keep track of medicines and administer them.... You still have to have 24/7 coverage. You can pay a private place or person to do all that but it is on your dime. They will charge Medicare for each visit ($300 for nurse visitor example) and they will charge Medicare rent fees for all the equipment and they will charge Medicare $5K+ a month for administration. They they will send you requests for donations for the next 5 years. It is a total racquet.


Hospice was free under medicare/medicaid for us. Yes, they ask for donations and we ignore it. Yes, they only provide minimal care. But, you had a huge luxury if you could pay on the side. Most of us only have a horrible nursing home that is neglectful, at best. Hospice was far more in terms of bathing and skilled care than what the nursing home provided. You clearly could pay, lucky you. We didn't have that luxury. And, them charging medicare is fine. They aren't charging you. Medicaid pays for nursing home but clearly you had enough money to pay for care, which is far better. You also can go into a hospice facility. There are a few around.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 20:50     Subject: elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?


I did 95% of the care myself. Spouse worked. He helped as much as he could but he couldn't take off. I had a SN child in daily therapies and elderly care and it was an absolute nightmare as it wasn't safe to leave the elder home alone. Elder couldn't or wouldn't leave the house so my child often missed appointments.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 20:48     Subject: elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.


I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 20:45     Subject: Re:elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.


Neither should be "accommodated."


So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????


Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.



That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.


I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.


No. I couldn't do 24/7 care like that. I love my parents but my own health, husband and kids are my priority. This idea that we somehow owe it to our parents to destroy the quality of our own lives in order to make their final years comfortable is just...so very wrong. I would never expect my children to forgo their own happiness and independence like that.

As a parent, I owe it to my kids to give them the best start in life that I know how to give them. That is my job. I hope they will visit me but I do not want them to feel obligated to take care of me.



Then, why are you even commenting on this topic? Not all of us have the option NOT to care for family members in our home. My family member (well, my husband's technically) had no money and no place to live. The only option was us until we could get medicaid to pay for a nursing home. I teach my kids we take care of family and they are equally important.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 20:43     Subject: elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?


Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.


I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care


That's because it doesn't impact most people. Most people are not caring for an elderly family member in their home and if they are most have help coming in for the day to day stuff.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 14:59     Subject: elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?


Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.


I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 14:58     Subject: elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?


Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 10:53     Subject: Re:elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.


Neither should be "accommodated."


So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????


Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.



That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.


I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.


No. I couldn't do 24/7 care like that. I love my parents but my own health, husband and kids are my priority. This idea that we somehow owe it to our parents to destroy the quality of our own lives in order to make their final years comfortable is just...so very wrong. I would never expect my children to forgo their own happiness and independence like that.

As a parent, I owe it to my kids to give them the best start in life that I know how to give them. That is my job. I hope they will visit me but I do not want them to feel obligated to take care of me.

Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 10:44     Subject: elder care versus childcare
I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 10:41     Subject: elder care versus childcare
I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 10:39     Subject: elder care versus childcare
While I totally agree, keep in mind many parents don’t have the luxury of bringing their child to work.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 10:38     Subject: elder care versus childcare
Let's ignore the bitter troll and get back to the topic at hand.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 10:33     Subject: Re:elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.


Neither should be "accommodated."


So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????


Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.


Hospice is skeletal and does not provide more than 4-6 hours a week of actual care. They will give you the thing you need like a hospital bed or a bed chair or a soft gel pillow for the wheelchair. The nurse will come once or twice a week. The social worker will come with the nurse about half the time- 30 minute visit. The doctor will come about once a month= 30 minute visit. We also had someone come to bathe my father 3x a week - 30 minutes each visit. You also have to be there when all the people come. You will still have to toilet your parent. You will still have to move your parent from the bed to a chair. YOU will still have to clean and make the bed, give shots, dress any bandages, keep track of medicines and administer them.... You still have to have 24/7 coverage. You can pay a private place or person to do all that but it is on your dime. They will charge Medicare for each visit ($300 for nurse visitor example) and they will charge Medicare rent fees for all the equipment and they will charge Medicare $5K+ a month for administration. They they will send you requests for donations for the next 5 years. It is a total racquet.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2019 03:02     Subject: Re:elder care versus childcare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.


Neither should be "accommodated."


So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????


Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.



That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.


I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.





Okkkkkkk boomer


It a boomer. Grow up and deal with it.


It a boomer???