Anonymous wrote:This is so perceptive thank you for writing this. A shitty community really makes or breaks the experience and I can see how much it varies even between grades at our preschool between each of my kids class. I know you mentioned you would prefer not to disclose the school but are you able to share any generalities ie whether single sex, upper east side, coed etc?

The answers to those questions would narrow it down to like 2 schools, but I can share more once we get our refund.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some places it is much more visible than others. My kid goes to a private school with plenty of wealth (not TT but good school) and it exists but isn't too bad. We are upper middle class - paying full price but it is not easy for us. So I would be aware if there was truly visible wealth as we don't have a place out east, vacation but nothing too extravagant, nice apartment but nothing super (kids share a room), etc.

We were actually in a similar situation to yours - middle class income at a 'good' non-TT school without too obvious visible wealth - but ended up leaving due to rampant bullying; the popular kids sniffed out right away that our kid was less wealthy than they were and they made her life miserable for it. So I think that even when there's no obvious display of wealth it can be a bit of a minefield; if anything it might be a bigger problem at lower-tier schools because people are more jealous of their positions in the hierarchy when they're not at a place where every smart kid goes to an Ivy.

This is so perceptive thank you for writing this. A shitty community really makes or breaks the experience and I can see how much it varies even between grades at our preschool between each of my kids class. I know you mentioned you would prefer not to disclose the school but are you able to share any generalities ie whether single sex, upper east side, coed etc?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some places it is much more visible than others. My kid goes to a private school with plenty of wealth (not TT but good school) and it exists but isn't too bad. We are upper middle class - paying full price but it is not easy for us. So I would be aware if there was truly visible wealth as we don't have a place out east, vacation but nothing too extravagant, nice apartment but nothing super (kids share a room), etc.

We were actually in a similar situation to yours - middle class income at a 'good' non-TT school without too obvious visible wealth - but ended up leaving due to rampant bullying; the popular kids sniffed out right away that our kid was less wealthy than they were and they made her life miserable for it. So I think that even when there's no obvious display of wealth it can be a bit of a minefield; if anything it might be a bigger problem at lower-tier schools because people are more jealous of their positions in the hierarchy when they're not at a place where every smart kid goes to an Ivy.

Curious what school? We are solidly upper middle class and applying to places like Friends, Grace and Packer. Will end up paying full tuition but it's definitely not pocket change for us. No summer home and live outside Manhattan. Is this something I should be worried about?

We are solidly upper middle class with a kid in at one of those three. Very seriously considered a second of the three and have a close friend in similar financial position at the third. We have had no issues. Most parents have been very friendly as have most kids. We did not enter in K - not sure how it is in lower grades.

You will get different opinions from different people. I never considered Dalton because of their “progressiveness” (some would call it “wokeness”) and their stance during Covid. It may be getting better now but 2021 was peak woke.

I got the most positive vibes from some of the all-girls schools and a couple of second/third tier schools that focused solely on academics. I actually liked Riverdale (I didn’t notice any obscene wealth…) but I thought the commute was not worth it for elementary. Other schools we considered were much more accessible. DD
ended up in one of the all girls schools and it worked well for our family.

Dalton is the only one of these three I’d consider sending my kid to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some places it is much more visible than others. My kid goes to a private school with plenty of wealth (not TT but good school) and it exists but isn't too bad. We are upper middle class - paying full price but it is not easy for us. So I would be aware if there was truly visible wealth as we don't have a place out east, vacation but nothing too extravagant, nice apartment but nothing super (kids share a room), etc.

We were actually in a similar situation to yours - middle class income at a 'good' non-TT school without too obvious visible wealth - but ended up leaving due to rampant bullying; the popular kids sniffed out right away that our kid was less wealthy than they were and they made her life miserable for it. So I think that even when there's no obvious display of wealth it can be a bit of a minefield; if anything it might be a bigger problem at lower-tier schools because people are more jealous of their positions in the hierarchy when they're not at a place where every smart kid goes to an Ivy.

Even if there is no visible wealth, the rich kids seem to have endless resources to order Ubers, eat "out" lunch at restaurants, shop at Sephora, etc. It can be hard to keep up.

Anonymous wrote:Curious what school? We are solidly upper middle class and applying to places like Friends, Grace and Packer. Will end up paying full tuition but it's definitely not pocket change for us. No summer home and live outside Manhattan. Is this something I should be worried about?

I'd rather not say, as we're still waiting on our tuition refund, but it's not one of the three you mention.

I will say that in retrospect a pretty obvious warning sign was that community-building type exercises were extremely limp and poorly attended; it was pulling teeth to even set up *one* conservation with an actual member of the class she was joining, and nobody was trying to set up any opportunities to meet up with new classmates over the summer, nor were any of the other parents particularly interested in setting up meetings on our own. All the whatever-they-call-the-PTA-at-a-private-school type events we attended during our time there were likewise pretty depressing and empty. So basically nobody in the administration or parent body was interested in making new students feel like they belonged there.

We never toured Grace or Packer but I can say that Friends gave us a very different vibe - we didn't actually love that vibe either (candidly it was a little too Ned Flanders-y), but it was the complete opposite of where we ended up in terms of how pushy they were about community-building.