Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

I'm not terrified. This is helpful. I still don't understand why it's bad for me to want to contribute more than just muffins and wine, but I'll just stick to that, as apparently I shouldn't be stepping on toes by wanting to contribute more. It's fine. I'll stay in my lane.

I don't want my mom or MIL acting like a guest honestly. I want them helping me clean up! I'd love an offer to do the dishes, wipe the countertops, vacuum and take out the trash. And if I decline, then I'd also love an offer to play a board game or read to them while I do clean up duty. Another great offer - walk the dog.

And yes, no perfume, don't put your things on the kitchen counter (actually, don't bring any of your stuff into the kitchen) and ask before using the washing machine.

My advice - if you or your husband are idiots then just sit. Do not touch anything. Just sit.

My FIL offered to go get milk. He pulled out of the garage without opening the door first. Several thousand dollars worth of damage to the car and garage.

MIL put the indoor cat outside and never said anything. We assumed the cat was hiding until a few days later when she was leaving. I mentioned that I hadn't seen the cat and was worried that she wasn't eating. MIL said Oh I let it out a few days ago. We never saw the cat again and have no idea what happened to it.

Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

Meh - just behave like a respectful guest. Why is this so hard for older women?

Do you remember what it was like to be the DIL? Channel those feelings and keep them top of mind in all that you do. I am not a MIL yet but when I am I am going to try to keep remembering what it was like the first time my inlaws came for a big holiday. Most of all: be kind, be flexible and be pleasant.

Be complimentary of the decor, the food, and the thoughtful planning. Tell your son how lucky he is to have such a wonderful wife & what a treat it is to be a guest.

Don't assume that your DIL is the default for all things home /cooking / entertaining and ask your son too. He may defer, but at least it's not sending the message that you expect her to be doing something because she's the wife/mom.

Look into some things you might enjoy doing outside of the house if you'll be visiting long enough. Don't insist on doing them, but have ideas to contribute if the hosts ask. I find it so exhausting to have to get the house ready, shop and plan the meals, AND think of ways to entertain a houseful of stir-crazy people.

Really play with the kids, offer to give them a bath, read with them, put them to bed -- or to clean up the kitchen while the parents are handling that. Take the kids in the morning so the parents can sleep or have a quiet coffee. Take them to the park, movies, other outing. Be respectful of family policies on snacks, screen time, and sleep schedules.

Offer to help but be prepared to hear a no and don't be weird about it.

Have a nice time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m confused, aren’t you going to your son’s house???

THIS x 1,00000

I get where OP is coming from in making that distinction. My parents behave differently when it's just me vs when it's me and DH. Nothing major, they just tend to revert to parent/child care taking when it's just me, but try to be more respectful of boundaries when dh is there.

We host all holidays and it's usually both sets of parents. Here are my pet peeves

1. Stay out of the kitchen unless specifically invited. Both moms want to help us but DH and I have a great system worked out and we know what to do and what's needed without even saying anything. We get stressed when our moms get in our way
2. Just bring what's asked. I get that my MIL and Mom have food they liked to cook when they hosted, so I try to ask them to bring 1 or 2 of those dishes. But the rest of my menu is carefully planned out. One year we had 6 pies for 11 people and 3 of them don't eat pie.
3. If they tell you to relax. Please just relax. I get irritated after the 10th time of being asked "are you SURE you don't need me to do anything?".
4. Play with DS. It's a great time to have some fun with him because dh and I are so busy

You are going to be just fine. You have written that you are going to DILs instead of Son's. That is the best attitude to have.

Praise her and your son for everything that is good. Ignore everything that goes wrong. Let them take a nap. Be vigilant and good babysitters and follow their guidelines in parenting. Take the kids outside for a bit.

Limit the drinking. Really limit it. Deescalate when anyone has a drama. Listen to them. It is a balancing act. Order in Chinese and pizza one day and pay for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m confused, aren’t you going to your son’s house???

THIS x 1,00000

To add to this, consider asking your SON how you can help. I like my MIL, but in her mind only women can possibly have the answers about food, hosting, or children. It's maddening.

Really OP go and relax and enjoy yourself and have fun. Go with a warm and open heart and it should be fine.

Ask if they want help with anything but accept if the answer is no and go and relax instead. DIL probably has everything organised and has a set meal that she wants to try so just go with it, compliment her on the meal as well.

Think back to when you did your first Christmas did you want people there with attitude making the occasion stressful, did you want people looking at your food with their noses in the air - no, I bet you would have appreciated a generous heart so go with that.

Anonymous wrote:
I’m confused, aren’t you going to your son’s house???

THIS x 1,00000

Do not bring food that has clearly spoiled

This X100. If you have a 4 hour drive do not bring anything that needs to be refrigerated let alone forget about for several more hours and then claim its just fine. If I throw something out do not try to retrieve it from the trash can. There is no 3 second rule for something being IN THE TRASH CAN. We do not dumpster dive in our house.

Do not ever bring a pet as a gift. My MIL brought two chicks one year in a cardboard box. She thought the kids would love them -which they did and that we would build them a chicken coop and have fresh eggs. We lived in a town house with no backyard and small front yard - in a development with a crazy HOA. I can't even imagine what they would have done if I had set up a chicken coop in the front yard.

Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

Anonymous wrote:Bring your muffins, bring your wine. Try to stay out of the way in the kitchen unless asked. Don’t make her feel like you’re trying to muscle in and take over. If she says sit back and relax, believe her. If she asks you to peel potatoes, peel potatoes. Clean up after yourself. Don’t criticize. Find small things to compliment.

You’ll be invited again and again.

if you feel like you haven't brought enough, bring flowers, too.

As for kitchen help: if she wants the potatoes cut a certain way, do that exactly. It would drive me nuts when family would "help" and by not cutting things right create problems with getting stuff to the table on time.