Everyone's answer is going to be so different. I'd be perfectly willing to accommodate MIL's visit if she knows I won't be cooking for her and driving her around and that her son won't be home. But I wouldn't be willing to fly year after year to have Christmas with young children celebrate in their grandparents' home. Nope - maybe every three years but certainly not every year.

Drop the rope. Make DH handle it. If he can't be there, she is not there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they want you all to host Christmas one year? Sounds like your kids have never had Christmas at home. And then you could host them all

Nope.

MIL cannot travel Xmas/Xmas eve due to work.
FIL cannot really either due to other family members visiting over xmas this week (DH's other siblings)

What do you do when its your parents' year to share Christmas with you?

Mine are deceased so MIL gets every Xmas.

You know what? You can say this visit doesn’t work. MIL hasn’t been shy about telling you what she wants and needs, you don’t have to be a doormat. You already sound very accommodating. I can’t imagine flying across the country every year with 2 toddlers to accommodate in-laws. You’re already going above and beyond.

Have you heard the expression “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” Well, you’re getting very close to that. Stop. It’s okay to consider your needs too.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I don't think THIS visit is what's important. What's important is she's telling you that you don't treat them equally. Hotel stay may be the answer.

Yup.

I did not see she is a recovering addict. Hence erratic emotional blackblackmail. Let dh handle it and just say no.

Also, I cannot stress enough how much I bend over backwards trying to accommodate her.

One recent example, she wasn't available to travel the week of my child's big birthday party. It was a kid party, we didn't have any family attend so when she visited I threw him a 2nd party with 10 kids and their families there with cake, decor, the whole nine yards at a pizza place and sat in the car because she was hot.

Anonymous wrote:She should not have send a rude text, that is just rude. However, you know that your MIL is not swimming in money. Airfare for Thanksgiving week are outrageous, and go down for dates when she suggested. Why is 7-14 a big deal for you? You work, right? She can spend some time with grand kids after school hopefully. She was likely saving face with not traveling at Thanksgiving. I feel that she tried to do what she thought was easiest on you, by coming to you as opposed to making some demands on the time you spend at FIL's. Honestly, why can't she come on the 7th? I really feel that she went out of her way, in her own way, to make this easy for your family, and you totally rejected her effort.

As I mentioned, money is a non point. We pay for everything for her when she visits, 100%. Flights, meals, every experience we do.
How exactly is she going out of her way, on her own way? She's making a demand at a time when it is not great for us, I gave her a better time for us. We have 4 parties we are committed to during that time (1 which I am the host) and it's the week before we leave for a cross country trip with 2 young children, so I am always busy packing, getting the dogs ready to be boarded, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote back and said "I will try to accomodate you visiting in December after Thanksgiving but please give me the specific dates you have in mind" .. it's like a control thing for her. I feel like I don't know how to handle her. I told my husband to call her later. He's sort of hoping she gives up and moves on because he is worried it is just too much before we leave to try to push a visit in.

The language you quoted comes across as hostile. I'd just rephrase: I'm sorry Thanksgiving week won't work out, it would have been fun to spend the holiday together and we have a lot of free time that week. If you're still looking at other dates in December, our current plans are X, Y, Z (and make clear what she is welcome to join). Let us know if you are able to fit in a visit and otherwise we'll see you in LA!

Her message back to me was so rude and hostile. It literally started with "That won't work for me. Sorry!!!" after I wrote a message about how I was excited she would get to experience these fun holiday events with our kids around our city and we it would be so great because my husband is here! I thought mine was actually nice in comparison. She is a tough personality, it is really hard for her to be grateful because she is ALWAYS comparing what she doesn't get from us or what FIL does which there is no comparison, she really does spend a lot more one on one time with my kids throughout the year. She is also really focused on herself and I have come a long way in accepting this. Example, insisted she had to be there the week of my first born's birth, then complained to my husband that she would appreciate us making a home cooked meal for her because he was getting takeout for every meal. She is just not the type to even think about being the one to make dinner for a couple with a 3 day old at home which is fine but it seems off to me she would expect me to make that when adjusting to being a mom and nursing around the clock. I cannot stress enough she is just always worried about her feelings and what she wants in every moment.

Yes, her job is stressful. She is a recovering addict herself so the holidays are an emotional time and she missed a lot of my husband's childhood so wanting to experience this with the grandkids go back to this. Yet, as I mentioned it is not always about US because we are trying to accomodate her. Some are just due to her job situation.

She should not have send a rude text, that is just rude. However, you know that your MIL is not swimming in money. Airfare for Thanksgiving week are outrageous, and go down for dates when she suggested. Why is 7-14 a big deal for you? You work, right? She can spend some time with grand kids after school hopefully. She was likely saving face with not traveling at Thanksgiving. I feel that she tried to do what she thought was easiest on you, by coming to you as opposed to making some demands on the time you spend at FIL's. Honestly, why can't she come on the 7th? I really feel that she went out of her way, in her own way, to make this easy for your family, and you totally rejected her effort.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they want you all to host Christmas one year? Sounds like your kids have never had Christmas at home. And then you could host them all

Nope.

MIL cannot travel Xmas/Xmas eve due to work.
FIL cannot really either due to other family members visiting over xmas this week (DH's other siblings)

What do you do when its your parents' year to share Christmas with you?

Mine are deceased so MIL gets every Xmas.

Anonymous wrote:I wrote back and said "I will try to accomodate you visiting in December after Thanksgiving but please give me the specific dates you have in mind" .. it's like a control thing for her. I feel like I don't know how to handle her. I told my husband to call her later. He's sort of hoping she gives up and moves on because he is worried it is just too much before we leave to try to push a visit in.

The language you quoted comes across as hostile. I'd just rephrase: I'm sorry Thanksgiving week won't work out, it would have been fun to spend the holiday together and we have a lot of free time that week. If you're still looking at other dates in December, our current plans are X, Y, Z (and make clear what she is welcome to join). Let us know if you are able to fit in a visit and otherwise we'll see you in LA!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

Agree. Good lord, OP, your children will treat you as shitty as you treat her so be nice so your children will be nice to you when you are old and divorced.

NP here. When I’m old I would live to be treated the way way OP treats her MIL. She sounds inclusive and thoughtful. I’d even be nice about it if my DIL was willing to fly across the country with 2 young kids to visit me!

It sounds like this lady won the DIL lottery.

I agree. The lesson I want my kids to learn is that a healthy relationship does not include giving in to emotional blackmail and that they should not stress their own mental health accommodating the desires (not needs) of others. Sometimes the healthy choice is to put your own needs first.

OP you do more than enough, and I’m Asian and take in laws and parents very seriously. I am horrified that she feels it’s okay to snap at you because your schedule is not accommodating her whims. Hold the line and just let it go. Ignore the other posters who said you aren’t doing enough, they are crazy. In laws aren’t supposed to be an insane burden and your MIL is nitpicking. As another PP mentioned, let her manage her own disappointment- you gave her many options and you need to prioritize your own sanity and that of your family’s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you guys get an AirBnB out there so you can wake up on Christmas morning with whoever wants to be there?

Would you do that? Personally spend an extra $4-5k? Also the point is that she cannot likely even stay with us. I did not want to go into go
details about it but she lives in a home for recovering drug addicts and manages them/drive them around/ helps run the house. She has to be there to drug test them 1x a day. It’s a halfway house for people who leave inpatient treatment centers and are adjusting into a residential home, which is comprised of about 6-10 people. Xmas and Xmas eve are the highest risk days for addicts to slip which is why she can’t travel to us on those days and likely cannot easily just stay with us if we did rent a hotel or airbnb.

That sounds like a very meaningful yet stressful job. She probably takes on a lot of their personal issues - no wonder she needs her girlfriend trips. Honestly.

I feel for the both of you in this situation. Your nuclear family which is trying to make it work by inviting her to Thanksgiving and Easter, and your MIL who truly doesn't get the same Christmas experience as FIL.

In this case, I would allow her to visit even when your husband is traveling but make clear you can't entertain her. If she needs to get around, she'll have to hire an Uber.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they want you all to host Christmas one year? Sounds like your kids have never had Christmas at home. And then you could host them all

Nope.

MIL cannot travel Xmas/Xmas eve due to work.
FIL cannot really either due to other family members visiting over xmas this week (DH's other siblings)

What do you do when its your parents' year to share Christmas with you?