OP one more time.
Listen, i get that a lot of men here like to think that women are being mean and punitive by not having more frequent sex. I don't want or need everything to be 100% perfect to get it on with my husband but when your partner does something that alters the way you view them. The way your body responds to them and not for the better?
Am I supposed to just ignore that?
I do have sex with him becuase i enjoy sex but honestly not so much with him anymore. It almost makes me angry. I could go at it a few times a day easy if i felt supported and prioritized by him but instead I feel marginalized and unimportant.
Those are not feelings that turn most women on.

I have tried to move past it for 3 years and have talked to him many many times.
So, i am stuck here with this drive for more and only myself to satisfy it.

OP here again.
I am not making up reasons for a low libido because right now is probably the highest it has been. Like if I felt closer/ more attracted to my DH we would be doing it a few times a day.
Right now we are doing it a couple times a week but it is just so nonenjoyable for me that I almost dread it and would rather just do it myself.

The incident 3 years ago was quite an eye opening experience for me with how he views me/his family and who he will stand beside when times get tough (spoiler, not me).
It is like a switch went off for me and though the light is still 'on', it has diminished severely and has not returned to what it once was.
The rub is i do love him. I do. He is a great man in so many ways and a great father but as a reliable partner who puts me and our relationship as a priority? Not so much. This does not make me want to jump the sheets with him and it is like I see him as a good roommate, good dad, good person but not as "MY" partner.

Therapy has not changed anything as he is unable to see/take ownership for anything he has said or done. He is very much a 'past is the past' person but until i know he understands how that made me feel and that he is sorry? I just am not able to get turned on by him

Me.
The last two nights I've been having dreams about penises. Did not grab DH by the penis to take advantage of the penis next door.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

Nope. I thought I lost my libido from having kids. But really it was because of resentment towards DH and the stress our marriage caused. Once we split, my libido came back stronger than ever.

Novelty is sexy.

Nope. I’m very satisfied with my current long-term partner.

Guess you are satisfied...wonder if you partner is satisfied...most likely not but that does not seem like something you would be concerned about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

umm no. Why would we do that?

Because hormones are invisible. The human brain is constantly creating narratives, trying to explain things (that's how, for example, humans came to believe in lightning gods for centuries). Resentment is a plausible explanation.

Nope. Face it you are a jerk to your wife that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you. I hear it again and again from women- their DH is controlling and critical then wants them to be a sex bot when 10pm rolls around.

No those women would find some other excuse for not having sex. These women are know as orchids- everything has to be prefect for 5 months before sex. IRL that never happens. The only thing that happens is no sex and it’s always someone else fault. One, five or ten years from now it will be the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

Nope. I thought I lost my libido from having kids. But really it was because of resentment towards DH and the stress our marriage caused. Once we split, my libido came back stronger than ever.

Novelty is sexy.

Nope. I’m very satisfied with my current long-term partner.

Just because you are very satisfied with your current* long-term partner doesn't mean that novelty isn't sexy. (*current ... tells me it isn't all THAT long term). The two are not mutually exclusive.

Agree that novelty is sexy.

I'm countering the original statement that women lose libido due to hormones and then blame resentment. In my case, it was absolutely resentment that killed my libido, not hormones or lack of novelty. In a healthy relationship I have no issue with libido whatsoever.

But that's not easy for many men to hear. It's easier to blame the woman.

I assume that this is in fact your experience. The question is how representative your experience is with respect to long term marriages where one partner doesn't want to have sex very often. My guess is that it's a significant percentage, but I'm not confident it would be 50% or more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

umm no. Why would we do that?

Because hormones are invisible. The human brain is constantly creating narratives, trying to explain things (that's how, for example, humans came to believe in lightning gods for centuries). Resentment is a plausible explanation.

Nope. Face it you are a jerk to your wife that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you. I hear it again and again from women- their DH is controlling and critical then wants them to be a sex bot when 10pm rolls around.

Life isn't a morality play. Good behavior doesn't always lead to sex and bad behavior doesn't always diminish sex. There plenty of men who are good to their wives who aren't having much sex and plenty of men who do not treat women well who are having a lot of sex.

Normally married people who are horny want to have sex with their spouse. If they don't want then they have problems in their marriage. OP is one such person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

Nope. I thought I lost my libido from having kids. But really it was because of resentment towards DH and the stress our marriage caused. Once we split, my libido came back stronger than ever.

Novelty is sexy.

Nope. I’m very satisfied with my current long-term partner.

Just because you are very satisfied with your current* long-term partner doesn't mean that novelty isn't sexy. (*current ... tells me it isn't all THAT long term). The two are not mutually exclusive.

Agree that novelty is sexy.

I'm countering the original statement that women lose libido due to hormones and then blame resentment. In my case, it was absolutely resentment that killed my libido, not hormones or lack of novelty. In a healthy relationship I have no issue with libido whatsoever.

But that's not easy for many men to hear. It's easier to blame the woman.

So I make a joke saying something like:

"I got you OP, call me."

And it get deleted? This place takes itself way too seriously sometimes.

I think one big thing that everyone ignores is that women get very tired of having sex with one partner. Men dare not speak it because then they would be in the same precarious position women are in where we constantly have to stay fit and beautiful and fun and it's our fault if our DH doesn't want it with us anymore. But because women's drive is tied to their brain, we lose interest in our spouse after a few years. It's natural. It sucks and it's incompatible with how our society is set up. I have no idea what the answer is. Maybe OP should work through her resentment and talk with her husband about what happened years ago without blaming. Maybe role play helps. Maybe she's not getting enough time to herself. I dunno. But it's normal and incredibly common for women to get very bored of sex with just one man. We don't have a libido problem, we have a boredom problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

umm no. Why would we do that?

Because hormones are invisible. The human brain is constantly creating narratives, trying to explain things (that's how, for example, humans came to believe in lightning gods for centuries). Resentment is a plausible explanation.

Nope. Face it you are a jerk to your wife that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you. I hear it again and again from women- their DH is controlling and critical then wants them to be a sex bot when 10pm rolls around.

This is so stupid. Close your eyes and use your imagination. Don't punish yourself and don't tell him you and pretending he's Chris Hemsworth. -wife who sometimes gets in that rut.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

Nope. I thought I lost my libido from having kids. But really it was because of resentment towards DH and the stress our marriage caused. Once we split, my libido came back stronger than ever.

Novelty is sexy.

Nope. I’m very satisfied with my current long-term partner.

Just because you are very satisfied with your current* long-term partner doesn't mean that novelty isn't sexy. (*current ... tells me it isn't all THAT long term). The two are not mutually exclusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes resentment is used as an after-the-fact explanation for loss of libido. The libido was going anyway. The wife tells herself it's because of this or that transgression by the husband. But it's really just a hormonal shift from diminishing novelty, aging, pregnancy or the like.

Nope. I thought I lost my libido from having kids. But really it was because of resentment towards DH and the stress our marriage caused. Once we split, my libido came back stronger than ever.

Novelty is sexy.

Nope. I’m very satisfied with my current long-term partner.