Anonymous wrote:Virtually every female breadwinner I know has OP’s attitude.

Yeah, true that! Not sure why.

I think the real answer is twofold: you will subsidize his retirement if you want to have a nicer one than he can afford, and you need to tell him that you're worried you're going to resent that and he's essentially avoiding conflict with his ex at the expense of setting up conflict with you.

He needs to get child support, even if every dollar goes straight into 529s. Explain that your income will reduce his kids' financial aid, even though you maintain separate finances. He likely will not catch up to you (you have a higher income, another supporting parent, and more assets), but by making this change and pursuing child support you will likely resent the discrepancy less.

I understand separate finances for families such as yours, but I do think that once the kids are out and established, it doesn't make as much sense to think of the money buckets as completely separate. If you are married to this person in retirement, aside from any money in trust for kids, the retirement pretty much has to be viewed as joint for it to work on any level. I think you actually get that, which is why you're thinking about it now and bothered. But if he makes changes, seeks support (and either doesn't get it or gets it but it all goes to 529s), and keeps maxing out his 401k, you have to just accept that you'll be springing for any retirement "upgrades" with your bigger bankroll - be they trips or outings or living in a nicer area.

Virtually every female breadwinner I know has OP’s attitude.

How much money is it, actually, that he has lost in child support? $1,000 per month? so 12K per year? Minus the cost of the litigation or strife?

I know you are upset but is it actually the money or the princple with the ex?

The reality is that you are upset he earns less and that's why his retirement is less and you knew that going in.

So either divorce or understand it.

The fact that he has not saved for college for his kids suggests that he has placed a low priority on his kids' higher education. Thankfully there are plenty of good options outside of traditional four year colleges. Community college, trade schools, and online education for starters.

Tell him to save more, by not contributing to the household fund and mortgage.

Can you divorce before his kids apply to college?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a professor, and his college belongs to an association of colleges. He and his kids are counting on going to one of these. They will receive a massive break on tuition. All are top tier, some in the top 20 colleges in the country. So there is a range of options the kids should get into, the kids know these are their options and are happy with that. So this is a saving grace.

What gets my goat is that DH's ex earns a decent salary but spends it 100% on herself, including a new home, car, trips, etc. So she has an ability to contribute but does not. She is difficult, so DH has chosen not to "upset" her by taking her to court. We have the kids 5-6 days/week.

I know people who counted on these programs, and they turned out to be not as useful as they had been touted to be. See if he can talk to other professors at his school with college age kids to ask what their experiences with the program have been. Better to start gathering helpful information form others in advance.

I have a conflict-avoidant DH, too, who got financially screwed by his ex. This is who you married, OP. You are not going to change him. And there IS benefit to his health and to the well being of your stepchildren in not initiating world war 3 against her.

Yes, you are going to subsidize him in retirement. It’s what you chose. You went into this with your eyes open. And frankly it’s not too much to ask. All spouses subsidize each other in some way. This is a commitment for life.

This is not a marriage. This is a business arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a professor, and his college belongs to an association of colleges. He and his kids are counting on going to one of these. They will receive a massive break on tuition. All are top tier, some in the top 20 colleges in the country. So there is a range of options the kids should get into, the kids know these are their options and are happy with that. So this is a saving grace.

What gets my goat is that DH's ex earns a decent salary but spends it 100% on herself, including a new home, car, trips, etc. So she has an ability to contribute but does not. She is difficult, so DH has chosen not to "upset" her by taking her to court. We have the kids 5-6 days/week.

So he’s upsetting you by needing your assets to retire.

Why does he not want to upset her further? I’ll bet you he cheated.

No, he did not. She has borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and is on the autism spectrum. She admits all this and that she was a horrible wife. She is just a very selfish and not very functional person. She has said she regrets having children because it ruined her lifestyle. She sees herself as a victim and thinks it's unfair that she contribute any $ to the kids because she makes "only" 2/3 what my DH does. Generally, in life, she is looking for what she can get. When DH has asked her to contribute anything, she claims complete poverty and that she doesn't have it (but then is taking vacations, always wearing new outfits, etc.). By doing all the parenting work and paying for it, DH doesn't have to have much contact with her, and I understand why that's easier. When she's upset, she sends him a barrage of texts/emails and he'd prefer not to deal with that.