Anonymous
11/02/2019 20:12
Subject: Re:I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op: I have two autistic kids. On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed. I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.
But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.
You frankly sound depressed.
One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.
You might consider going back to work.
Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).
Thank you for this. Yes I am looking into evaluations. I might consider some depression too if I were reading this cold but I know myself and I am not depressed nor do I have mental health issues. I am simply parenting a very difficult daughter. My mom, mil, and sil (both my mom and sil are BPD) are all very intense personalities so I think it’s just the genetic lottery. I would do back to work but for my two very chill, pleasant sons ages 2 and 7. I don’t want to be away from them. I love being a sahm. It’s just a mismatch of our personalities and I need help. Badly.
“I only want to be a SAHM if it’s easy for me.”
FTFY.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:58
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
OP, this sounds familiar, especially with the age of your two sons added in...you’ve posted before, right? Something about the 4yo DD being rough with the younger sibling? I can’t find that thread at the moment, but, if you are who I am thinking of, you got a TON of advice on that thread, much of it similar to what is being offered here. Have you actually tried any of it?
I feel bad for you, but I feel so sorry for your DD.
I feel bad for you, but I feel so sorry for your DD.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:56
Subject: Re:I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Sorry. Many posts. I shared the article about boundaries. Hang in there! I am not liking my 14month old riggt now even though I love him. It's hard!
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:52
Subject: Re:I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
PP above.
Janet Lansbury, the RIE philosophy, authoritative parenting (as opposed to authoritarian or permissive) and Robin Enzig/Visible Child are all resources that have really helped me with my emotional guy. The key is tonallow feelings and displeasure without losing your own cool (easier said than done). Anyway, great blog resources and web sites out there.
Janet Lansbury, the RIE philosophy, authoritative parenting (as opposed to authoritarian or permissive) and Robin Enzig/Visible Child are all resources that have really helped me with my emotional guy. The key is tonallow feelings and displeasure without losing your own cool (easier said than done). Anyway, great blog resources and web sites out there.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:52
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
I think you said you are looking into therapy- will it include sessions with your DD? I’ve had friends who have had difficult relationships and they all said the joint therapy helped. For one, her DD is intense and it is a personality mismatch, and the therapist gave her some tools to deal with it. FWIW, you don’t sound like a bad mom to me but one that needs some help. Good luck.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:49
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Full time daycare was lifesaving for us.
She’s a SAHM.
I fail to see how this is pertinent. There are additional children in home. It sounds like there may be an infant as well.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:44
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she needs more affection and closeness to you. All kids can be difficult but saying your child makes your skin crawl is a huge red flag to me. I cannot imagine.
I know, it’s terrible. I honestly do snuggle her and invite her on my
lap often during the day, plus I rub her back and hold her hand when she goes to sleep at night. It’s like she needs more
Than I can provide for her. She has me all to herself when brother naps for
at least 2 hours a day. I give her undivided attention for at
least one hour. Her needs for affection and comfort feel like a bottomless pit I can never fill. I don’t understand it.
I think it feels like a bottomless pit because she can sense your affection isn’t genuine. Then she clings harder and annoys you more and the cycle continues...
She’s feeling alone and insecure. Poor kid.
This. Set compassionate boundaries BEFORE she annoys you. She likely senses your annoyance which paradoxically makes her cling harder.
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/03/parents-struggling-with-boundaries-3-common-reasons/
This is very helpful! Thank you for sharing!
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:36
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she needs more affection and closeness to you. All kids can be difficult but saying your child makes your skin crawl is a huge red flag to me. I cannot imagine.
I know, it’s terrible. I honestly do snuggle her and invite her on my
lap often during the day, plus I rub her back and hold her hand when she goes to sleep at night. It’s like she needs more
Than I can provide for her. She has me all to herself when brother naps for
at least 2 hours a day. I give her undivided attention for at
least one hour. Her needs for affection and comfort feel like a bottomless pit I can never fill. I don’t understand it.
I think it feels like a bottomless pit because she can sense your affection isn’t genuine. Then she clings harder and annoys you more and the cycle continues...
She’s feeling alone and insecure. Poor kid.
This. Set compassionate boundaries BEFORE she annoys you. She likely senses your annoyance which paradoxically makes her cling harder.
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/03/parents-struggling-with-boundaries-3-common-reasons/
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:26
Subject: Re:I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Op: I have two autistic kids. On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed. I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.
But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.
You frankly sound depressed.
One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.
You might consider going back to work.
Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).
Thank you for this. Yes I am looking into evaluations. I might consider some depression too if I were reading this cold but I know myself and I am not depressed nor do I have mental health issues. I am simply parenting a very difficult daughter. My mom, mil, and sil (both my mom and sil are BPD) are all very intense personalities so I think it’s just the genetic lottery. I would do back to work but for my two very chill, pleasant sons ages 2 and 7. I don’t want to be away from them. I love being a sahm. It’s just a mismatch of our personalities and I need help. Badly.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:05
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
My oldest was super difficult, always needing attention. We put her in FT preschool (9-3) at age 4 and it was the beat thing for all of us. She loved school, and I liked having peace and the ability to focus on my younger child. I think it just came down to her being very social and me not being able to meet that need at home.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:02
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Full time daycare was lifesaving for us.
She’s a SAHM.
Get a job, get the kid some socialization and structure and qualified adult attention. Get a break and your time together will be more precious.
Get.
A.
Job.
Not being snarky. But come on. Clearly OP is not cut out to be a SAHM.
+1000
Anonymous
11/02/2019 19:00
Subject: Re:I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Op: I have two autistic kids. On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed. I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.
But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.
You frankly sound depressed.
One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.
You might consider going back to work.
Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).
But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.
You frankly sound depressed.
One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.
You might consider going back to work.
Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).
Anonymous
11/02/2019 18:55
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she needs more affection and closeness to you. All kids can be difficult but saying your child makes your skin crawl is a huge red flag to me. I cannot imagine.
I know, it’s terrible. I honestly do snuggle her and invite her on my
lap often during the day, plus I rub her back and hold her hand when she goes to sleep at night. It’s like she needs more
Than I can provide for her. She has me all to herself when brother naps for
at least 2 hours a day. I give her undivided attention for at
least one hour. Her needs for affection and comfort feel like a bottomless pit I can never fill. I don’t understand it.
I think it feels like a bottomless pit because she can sense your affection isn’t genuine. Then she clings harder and annoys you more and the cycle continues...
She’s feeling alone and insecure. Poor kid.
+100
P.S. SHE NEEDS SOCIALIZATION AND STRUCTURE.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 18:54
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Full time daycare was lifesaving for us.
She’s a SAHM.
Get a job, get the kid some socialization and structure and qualified adult attention. Get a break and your time together will be more precious.
Get.
A.
Job.
Not being snarky. But come on. Clearly OP is not cut out to be a SAHM.
Anonymous
11/02/2019 18:50
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Full time daycare was lifesaving for us.
She’s a SAHM.