Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:48     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.


This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.

Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:48     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's simple. People talk about the effects of social media on kids, and it is significant, but the answer to the OP's post is really about the effects of social media and access to things like DCUM on the internet on PARENTS. I'll bet our parents thought about these things sometimes, but they had no outlet to talk about them unless they cared enough to seek out a friend or relative and have a conversation. Now you can hop on the internet and vent to strangers while you are still in the heat of the moment.

The world would be a better place if people didn't post online when they are having a bad moment. Write it down and get it out of you but then...delete it. Or wait to post until you think about it a bit. Keep a journal or something.


I think posting is a good thing. You get it off your chest and don’t bother your friends with it. Also many perspectives. No one is forcing you to click on these threads.


I'm just answering the OP's query, so don't start with the "don't click on the threads" stuff.

I didn't say don't post ever. I said don't post when you are all amped up with anxiety or anger. Posting questions on here can be helpful, because of the different perspectives you mention. Posting when you are emotional will probably lead to a bunch of demoralizing responses from the DCUM-hive which aren't helpful to an OP who is already upset.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:46     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!


It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.


Social path is not a word. A sociopath is someone who is antisocial. These kids aren't antisocial, but instead they are selecting who to socialize with. Do you invite everyone to everything? It's absurd.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:44     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


Um, every sane person thinks like this. This is the most level-headed, non-neurotic or vitriolic post in this whole thread.


+ 1


This exactly. (And the bolded responder is crazy. The only thing I can think of is that she hosts birthday parties at home for the very young and invites all, siblings included. That's not the way it is for older kids. Example: if we wanted to take a group of kids out to dinner, we couldn't even fit everyone in our car. The kids couldn't fit in one table, which is what they want.


bolding...
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:44     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


Um, every sane person thinks like this. This is the most level-headed, non-neurotic or vitriolic post in this whole thread.


+ 1


This exactly. (And the bolded responder is crazy. The only thing I can think of is that she hosts birthday parties at home for the very young and invites all, siblings included. That's not the way it is for older kids. Example: if we wanted to take a group of kids out to dinner, we couldn't even fit everyone in our car. The kids couldn't fit in one table, which is what they want.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:44     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


Um, every sane person thinks like this. This is the most level-headed, non-neurotic or vitriolic post in this whole thread.


+1

Someone is not a sociopath for not including everyone 100% of the time. That is just a bizarre way of thinking.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:42     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you care? If you don’t want to read it, then don’t read it.
I’ve asked questions on here. It doesn’t mean I’m obsessed about it. I like to see others point of view on situations.


Because it's really weird! I'm curious about how these people justify such weird behavior to themselves. You know you are making things worse when you reach out to the other parents right?

The type of people who are raising mean girls and bullies are most likely not going to be responsive to your concerns.
\

You see, you equate it to being mean. That's far from the truth for us. I am thrilled that my kid has LOTS of friends in different groups. She may go the mall one day with soccer friends (only) and then the next day to Fields of Fear with her old elementary school/neighborhood friends and the following day to a movie with her swim friends. If you were a kid my daughter knew from chorus, you would interpret this as by kid being mean and leaving her out. No, it just means that she is spending her time with this or that group. It results in her seeing some friends frequently and others less frequently. It also results in her rarely being about to get together with someone if she wanted to because there are so many to pick from. If your circle is small, your invitations are small. It does not reflect on my kid or yours. It's just a choice on how big your circle of friends is...
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:28     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:It's simple. People talk about the effects of social media on kids, and it is significant, but the answer to the OP's post is really about the effects of social media and access to things like DCUM on the internet on PARENTS. I'll bet our parents thought about these things sometimes, but they had no outlet to talk about them unless they cared enough to seek out a friend or relative and have a conversation. Now you can hop on the internet and vent to strangers while you are still in the heat of the moment.

The world would be a better place if people didn't post online when they are having a bad moment. Write it down and get it out of you but then...delete it. Or wait to post until you think about it a bit. Keep a journal or something.


I think posting is a good thing. You get it off your chest and don’t bother your friends with it. Also many perspectives. No one is forcing you to click on these threads.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:28     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


Um, every sane person thinks like this. This is the most level-headed, non-neurotic or vitriolic post in this whole thread.


+ 1
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:27     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
When I grew up in the age of dinosaurs, there were the kids — mean kids, rich kids, exclusive kids, team kids that all hung together but after school belonged to me. I didn’t have the option to know what they were up to by social media. It seemed a bit easier.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:25     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
It's simple. People talk about the effects of social media on kids, and it is significant, but the answer to the OP's post is really about the effects of social media and access to things like DCUM on the internet on PARENTS. I'll bet our parents thought about these things sometimes, but they had no outlet to talk about them unless they cared enough to seek out a friend or relative and have a conversation. Now you can hop on the internet and vent to strangers while you are still in the heat of the moment.

The world would be a better place if people didn't post online when they are having a bad moment. Write it down and get it out of you but then...delete it. Or wait to post until you think about it a bit. Keep a journal or something.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:17     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!


It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.


Well I read it differently I guess. Her point is that the other parents are probably just "normal" not sociopathic. They're concerned about their own shit - their jobs, their houses, their spouses, their hobbies, their families, etc. etc. Leaving your kid out is not a deliberate action on their part. They're not being mean to you. They're not thinking about you at all. And with all that we have going on in modern life, that is normal and should be seen as OK!

I agree that it is very entitled to expect other people to be thinking about YOU and your concerns all the time. As in the ToTing example.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:17     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


Um, every sane person thinks like this. This is the most level-headed, non-neurotic or vitriolic post in this whole thread.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:16     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:All the parents stressing about their kids' social lives, agonizing about why they haven't been invited to this or that, writing tirades against the other parents for being "mean girls" and "social climbers" and assuming they are deliberately leaving your special snowflake out for Machiavellian reasons etc. etc. It utterly amazes me.

Have you ever thought that maybe the other kids just don't like your kid all that much and it's that simple? If you're on the periphery of a social group as it is, it's going to be "out of sight, out of mind" when you're not there. The simplest, kindest explanation is that the other kids are just not thinking to invite yours and you have to accept that.

Do you not remember what it's like to be this age? Friendships and their intensity change quickly at this age. I remember going through it myself and it would have been 1000% worse if I knew my mom was ruminating about it in her spare time instead of being benignly ignorant, as most tweens and teens hope for their parents to be about their social lives.

I know the parents writing these posts are going to say "well my kid doesn't know I am so stressed and worried about this" but I guarantee, if you are writing screeds about it on an anonymous message board, the emotion is apparent in your every day actions as well.


No we don’t know what it is like to have social media in our faces constantly and kids texting group texts constantly. Thankfully my kids are happy socially and doing well (right now as I am aware it can change) but we also encourage them not to post lots of pics of large group events.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2019 09:14     Subject: I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.


You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.


lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!


It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.