Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

Thank him for what? Being a parent? Doing what he should do by default? Men don’t need to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum.

Everybody needs to be thanked! Good lord, she had twins and this is something millions of women have every day of the year! Having a baby is not something special. OP needs to grow up. I am so sick of women who think they are special and need to be treated like queens just because they had a baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

Thank him for what? Being a parent? Doing what he should do by default? Men don’t need to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

We found OP's husband!

Where are you OP? DH (and you) might really benefit from a twins club. He would probably get a lot out of connecting with other twin dads, even for just 30 minutes. He needs to feel less alone...and he needs to get their without leaning on you.

https://dadsguidetotwins.com/every-twins-club/

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs someone to talk to about how much this sucks who isn’t you. Because newborns do suck, and having your beloved spouse who you rely on for emotional support insanely busy with other things sucks, even if you think those things are important. But you’re not the right person to complain to. His therapist or his friend is.

This is also true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - this is not forever. This is because they are newborns. The demands on (both) of you will lessen with time but you just have to get there. Additionally, he will start to feel much more connected to them once they are a little older and can react and do more.

Until then, help him and help both of you by getting as much help as you can. You have to get over the hump before either of you really can see what this new normal looks like.

We originally were going to hire a nanny to help while I was on maternity leave but DH was also offered 12 weeks paternity leave to be taken consecutively so we both decided we’d take our leave together to save money. Now I’m wondering if maybe it would be best if he goes back to work and we hire a nanny a little earlier?

It doesn’t sound like he’s being helpful. A nanny certainly would be.

Now is the time to focus on your needs. Your babies are newborns, it is not the time to worry about hurting DHs feelings by hiring a nanny. Do it!

Get the Nanny OP. He's suffering, you are suffering. Get help to get through this.

Your husband needs someone to talk to about how much this sucks who isn’t you. Because newborns do suck, and having your beloved spouse who you rely on for emotional support insanely busy with other things sucks, even if you think those things are important. But you’re not the right person to complain to. His therapist or his friend is.

My DH was like this too, only he did not tell me directly how he felt. Instead he was really passive aggressive. It was horrible. I was doing all of the overnight feedings since I was nursing, and he was super unhelpful, constantly going out to work out (funny how motivated he suddenly became), and then complaining I did not give him enough attention during the one time of night I would be able to get a longish stretch of sleep. He

I don't have an answer for you, just don't do what I did. Instead of talking to him directly about it I got really depressed and bitter at him over the course of several months, until it resulted in a couple of Big Fights. I spent a lot of time wondering if our marriage was going to survive. We are okay now 6 months post birth after lots of talking and some couples therapy. He is finally plugged into fatherhood! But it was awful to spend my first months of motherhood feeling alone and unloved.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a POS. I'm sorry. See it for what it is.

I think this is really bad advice/mentality. The reality is that new parents feel these things and you make a decision as a couple there in the trenches in the beginning about whether you're still going to care for each other in the post kid world.

OP isn't doing anything wrong. But neither is OP's DH. In fact I'd argue that by being up front and honest about it instead of quietly retreating into resentment like a lot of men that he's doing a good thing.

Figuring out how to fit caring for your relationship into your new life caring for young kids is not something to be lightly discarded. I think it is the difference between people who last in happy relationships and those that don't.

Yes ops husband needs to suck it up for a bit. But talking that through and figuring out why and how eventually they'll come back together is how you approach that together.

- mom of two soon to be three who has had c sections and very medically complicated pregnancies and some ppd. Only saying to say I do get prioritizing mom

Anonymous wrote:"I still love you the same. I just don't have the energy or bandwidth to show you how much I love you right now. You have to trust our love."

"If I give you the attention you are craving right now, I won't have enough energy to keep our children alive." (Followed by a very sarcastic "which child should I kill so you have the attention you desire?")

I would start divorce proceedings immediately if someone said #2.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

Anonymous wrote:"I still love you the same. I just don't have the energy or bandwidth to show you how much I love you right now. You have to trust our love."

"If I give you the attention you are craving right now, I won't have enough energy to keep our children alive." (Followed by a very sarcastic "which child should I kill so you have the attention you desire?")

Example 1 seems relatively normal. Example 2 seems completely deranged and extraordinarily immature.

Totally normal. Most men feel this way; not all say it out loud. You will get through it. Keep talking to each other. This season of life is hard. It’s supposed to be hard. There will be some growing pains. Get the nanny on board ASAP.

"I still love you the same. I just don't have the energy or bandwidth to show you how much I love you right now. You have to trust our love."

"If I give you the attention you are craving right now, I won't have enough energy to keep our children alive." (Followed by a very sarcastic "which child should I kill so you have the attention you desire?")

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a saint for approaching this as kindly as you are.

When my babies were 7 weeks old, my DH would have gotten the riot act if he’d tried to pull this needy, man-baby BS.

Really. You are beyond generous.

+1. Sorry op, I don’t think it’ll get better with your dh. He needs to man up and wear his big boy pants on and be husband and father, supporting you and caring for HIS children. Both your lives have changed the day you brought those kids home.

He is caring for his children. Is he not allowed to have emotional needs as well?

He is allowed to have emotional needs, he is also allowed to express them appropriately. Giving his wife the silent treatment for canceling date night at 7 weeks postpartum with twins, is not what I would consider a “healthy expression of emotional needs” but closer to emotional abuse. Also, while op describes him as “sensitive”, he is showing incredible degree of insensitivity by not being there emotionally for HER. Also, what grown up person would tell a spouse that she “don’t love him as much anymore, that I love the babies more, that I’m not emotionally supporting him enough anymore”. He wants her to tell him that she loves him more or equally to children? May be its ppd, but may be its just his personality that is showing more as the rubber has hit the road in their lives. She will always be his emotional support and for both of their sakes I hope they have easy lives cause the burden would be on her to carry them emotionally through any difficulties - like it is happening right now.