OP, it sounds like you’re a person who shows love through giving, and you imagined this trip would be a great way to share some love with your kid. That’s a lovely, lovely gesture. It just isn’t compatible with your 13-year-old. We gift givers are kind of like people who like hugging. That’s so great if the other person loves hugging, but we have to learn to be really attuned to people who a) don’t want a hug and b) will only pretend to want a hug because they care about our feelings. A 13 year old going through total personal upheaval and away from his friends on a trip with a suite upgrade is just a 13 year old going through total personal upheaval and away from his friends alone in a suite.

Frankly, suites are for sex. That’s the point. So you don’t have to leave the room. And meetings I guess.

Here’s a suggestion: cancel the trip, and give him the cash equivalent of his share, or whatever amount is right for birthday gifts to you. Tell him he’s 13 and you know he has his own priorities, and you want him to be able to use that budget how he wants (maybe he has to tell you so you can order, for safety). Do a family dinner with cake and singing to celebrate the birthday.

As he gets older, you can still take him on trips - but they’re for the family to spend time together, not an “alternative gift” or a “reward.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

OP if you know this, your son knows this. He probably feels pretty bad that he doesn’t have friends and he’s lonely. That’s why he’s lashing out. You’re a safe space and he’s very frustrated about his situation. It’s fine to set boundaries about being polite and respectful - but please be kind.

Your kid is having a hard time. He need you to listen. He doesn’t need punishments right now.

100% this. This isn't about getting stuff and money and being greedy. This is about him feeling down and alone and not knowing what to do with it. Ignore the comments. Work on connecting with you son by listening. He's in some pain. He just needs to have a place to be heard and unload. And when you are a good mom, which you are, it will be on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

OP if you know this, your son knows this. He probably feels pretty bad that he doesn’t have friends and he’s lonely. That’s why he’s lashing out. You’re a safe space and he’s very frustrated about his situation. It’s fine to set boundaries about being polite and respectful - but please be kind.

Your kid is having a hard time. He need you to listen. He doesn’t need punishments right now.

Yeah ,don't blame it all on Potomac. There are a lot of normal families in the public schools in Potomac who don't go overboard with their kids. I would also second exposing him to people less fortunate to him.

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

OP if you know this, your son knows this. He probably feels pretty bad that he doesn’t have friends and he’s lonely. That’s why he’s lashing out. You’re a safe space and he’s very frustrated about his situation. It’s fine to set boundaries about being polite and respectful - but please be kind.

Your kid is having a hard time. He need you to listen. He doesn’t need punishments right now.

I think modeling gratitude is important. Saying out loud: "I am so thankful for x, y, z" on a regular basis. Giving in your community which could be something like a small act of service for an elderly neighbor, or making a treat for an injured teammate. Working and saving to buy a wanted item can help attach a feeling of personal accomplishment to owning something like a game, rather than waiting for mom and dad to bestow it. I think you build gratitude through love and positive relationships, and punishing is counterproductive. It sounds like your family is feeling some stressors, so maybe naming the challenges and consciously focusing on the positives in your life could be helpful.

OP - I hear you and I have 2 teen boys,one of whom would only love $ for video games, we agreed, we don't always give.

You just can't force someone to be grateful.

Things you can do:

talk to about your budget and stick to it, about gifts but also about other things

Discuss options and budget choices - we have fast internet and the best computers, we drive older cars that cost less, both parents work to pay for your hobby, etc. Kids don't know so you need to educae them.

Do buy them gifts they want within your budget - don't you want that from your family?

Make sure they are involved in buying gifts to family and friends and staying within budget - yes we know cousin Billy wants a new PS4 but that's $400 so he's getting cool headphones for $30 - or whatever.

Require some charity work so they get perspective

Eh, I'm of the "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit" parenting style. OP, stick with your plans for his bday. It's not like you're giving him some crappy gift, I think it sounds like fun and 13 year olds don't get to dictate everything. Even on their birthday.

My kids sometimes suffer from the same gift envy, they see their friends getting mounds of Xmas, bday gifts, etc. on social media. My tween DD lets it get to her at times, but it isn't changing how I do birthdays or holidays. And I remind them how beyond tacky it is to display gifts they've received on social media, explaining there are kids out there -- they even may be in school with some -- who get very little. If they aren't appreciative of what I do for them now, they may -- or may not -- down the line. Not much I can do there.

Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

Anonymous wrote:What about letting him invite a friend or two?

That wouldn’t be fun for OP. It’s not an option.

OP, it’s a jerk move to give your kid a trip they don’t want for their birthday, then pull the “I’m on a budget!!!” card when your kid complains about not getting the present he wants.

It sounds like the present he wants is way less expensive than this trip. Let’s be honest here: the trip is for you. You’re mad your kid isn’t playing along to your fantasy that staying at a nice resort with your parents is a great way to celebrate a birthday.

He’s not buying it (and neither is anyone else.)

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t want the hotel.

It doesn’t matter. OP wants the hotel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you still haven’t answered the question of whether he wants to go on a trip? It matters what he thinks because it’s his birthday.

She doesn't want to address that nor the brag that they got a nice room, which was her choice, not his. Then she wonders why he is spoiled.

It doesn’t sound like he’s spoiled. It sounds like the mom is making him go on a trip he doesn’t want and she’s pissed he’s not being grateful. He’s a kid! And it’s pretty crappy of the mom to force a gift the kid doesn’t want and get mad he’s not humoring her more.

I have an idea: How about you reschedule the trip for your birthday OP? Then you’d have a leg to stand on if your kid wasn’t being appropriately enthusiastic.

Forcing a present your kid doesn’t want and getting mad they’re not thrilled about celebrating the way you want is a mean thing to do. OP, YOU sound spoiled.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

Why would you say that? What makes you think I don’t care or listen to my son? I have a budget, and whatever happens has to be within that budget.

Okay, now I think PP has a point because you didn’t answer their question. You’re not listening. So, I will ask again:

Did your son want this trip? Did he express that in words, or did you assume that of course he would like this trip and you told him after you booked it?

What about letting him invite a friend or two?

*aren't connected