I understand your position, OP. I have three kids, the last of whom was born through IVF. After she was born, I had 2 frozen embryos that I also couldn’t just leave sitting on ice indefinitely. I was finally able to convince my husband that we should try them, and neither of them worked. I am so relieved and happy with the outcome. I am able to live my life fully without worrying about those potential babies on ice. Go for it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford college, activities and all the needs of the one with SN?

I always think this is such an odd and elitist question.
My guess is that yes, the OP can afford college tuition for her children. However, that doesn’t mean that people who can’t afford to pay full college tuition shouldn’t have children.

I think everyone is entitled 2 kids even if they can’t afford anything for them. Beyond that, you better have the resources to pay for their tuition, or else you’re setting them up for failure and being a burden on society.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

This is great

Smells and clean shirts in rainbow order do not replace time 1-1 with parents.

This obsession with 1-1 time is hilarious. It doesn’t have to be some big elaborate activity together. Have you read any research on this topic? It’s meaningful for kids to occasionally have 1-1 time with a parent even doing something mundane - running an errand, doing a chore, etc. It’s easy to have those moments even with a lot of kids. You are really overthinking this. And what PP was describing makes her kids feel loved - THAT is what’s important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

This is great

Smells and clean shirts in rainbow order do not replace time 1-1 with parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford college, activities and all the needs of the one with SN?

I always think this is such an odd and elitist question.
My guess is that yes, the OP can afford college tuition for her children. However, that doesn’t mean that people who can’t afford to pay full college tuition shouldn’t have children.

There is a big difference between 2 and 4+ kids and yes, money and college should be a consideration. As a parent, most to of us want our kids to do equal or better than we are doing. To do that, they need the tools to be successful and one is college.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

This is great

I grew up as one of five and the best part of my childhood was my siblings. I genuinely believe the best gift you can give your kid is siblings. I understand feeling strained in terms of personal attention, I have 3 as well. My my oldest keeps asking if I can have any more babies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

So sweet. Can you come be my mom?

I have one and done but I want to cultivate this sort of home life.

You can do it with one! Something I started when my oldest went into 1st grade is that every time I pick them up from someplace, or see them after not seeing them all day I give a big hug with "I'm so happy to see you!" One of my DD's is 16 but if I forget she'll hold her arms out and ask "Wait, huggies?" So clearly they count on getting that love. I make sure to do it even when I'm angry at them, to send the message "I may be angry at you, but I still love you."

Anonymous wrote:I was just having this conversation with my mom. She and my dad are both one of 4 but the spacing is pretty big. They are both 13 years older than the youngest.

We have 2 with a third on the way. If we want to have a 4th we would have to do it pretty quickly after the 3rd due to my age. That would make 4 kids with the oldest being 6/7 years old give or take. I feel like that is just too much. If we had started younger we would have a bigger spacing and that might make it more doable. But having the oldest only be 6/7 is a lot!

You know, everything has its pros and cons.

I have four. I had my youngest when my oldest was 5.5. It is a lot, and every day for years, it was a lot of physical labor. However, it’s a lot of fun too, and the kids are really close. I am not sure if having them further apart would have been better. One thing that makes it easier is that they spend a lot of time playing together, playing with each other’s friends, and doing a lot of family activities together.

I have a friend with kids further apart, and she is dealing with one struggling with a transition to college, one in high school with an eating disorder, an elementary schooler who is doing great, and a preschooler who is fine, but needs constant supervision, all at the same time. Those things all take such different parenting skills, and while in some ways it would be easier because you could give them individual attention, in some ways, it would be a struggle to try to fill all of those very different roles at once.

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford college, activities and all the needs of the one with SN?

I always think this is such an odd and elitist question.
My guess is that yes, the OP can afford college tuition for her children. However, that doesn’t mean that people who can’t afford to pay full college tuition shouldn’t have children.

I was just having this conversation with my mom. She and my dad are both one of 4 but the spacing is pretty big. They are both 13 years older than the youngest.

We have 2 with a third on the way. If we want to have a 4th we would have to do it pretty quickly after the 3rd due to my age. That would make 4 kids with the oldest being 6/7 years old give or take. I feel like that is just too much. If we had started younger we would have a bigger spacing and that might make it more doable. But having the oldest only be 6/7 is a lot!

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford college, activities and all the needs of the one with SN?

+1
I grew up part of four and poor. It was a struggle getting thru college and working. We have 2, and can afford thier college. Otherwise it feels like setting them up for failure in the future. I know college isn't a guarantee for success, but it def doesn't hurt.

Plus I love being able to provide my kids with activities, sports, trips - so much more fun than my own childhood! For us, quality of life was a big factor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

So sweet. Can you come be my mom?

I have one and done but I want to cultivate this sort of home life.

agree this is heart warming

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I was talking about love languages with the kids a couple years ago and one of them said it makes her feel loved when she comes home and smells food cooking. One feels loved when I put her clean shirts in rainbow order. So maybe sometimes I don't have time for an hour-long talk about the drama of sixth grade but I can have something baking in the oven when she comes home. It takes two seconds to put a note near the front door that says, "Meredith, INHALE!"

Also, a lot of parents think that spending time has to be some super fun/expensive outting. But really, we just spend time doing errands together and that's enough. One of my kids will sit on the counter and talk to me as I clean up from dinner. One will lean in the doorway watching me put on makeup while we chat.

Be open to different opportunities.

So sweet. Can you come be my mom?

I have one and done but I want to cultivate this sort of home life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with the previous poster. You can have a large family as long as none of them need a ton of attention (special needs, learning issues, social issues, etc.). If any of them need a lot of one on one time, chances are you will hit a limit on what you can do. Its also a lot easier when they get older, so large age gaps make a big difference.

On the flip side I don't know many families of 3+ that don't have significant health issues for at least one child.

Really? I do.

I know lots of families with 3+ kids with no health issues. I think that’s probably why they were able to have a large family.

The people I know with a child with health problems stopped at 1 or 2.

None of my five have any health issues at all. They rarely even get sick. All adults. All smart, healthy, and successful. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that seems to be common in big families.