Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you capable of getting two kids to bed? 12 yr old babysitters can do this routine.

Maybe you don’t have a 3yr old? While it CAN be done, it’s easier and quicker with 2 adults. My kids are 3 and 5 and they want different stories and Go to bed at the same time. The napping 3yr old doesn’t like sitting alone while I tuck in his brother sho goes to bed 20 min earlier. With 2 parents engaged we can brush teeth of 2 kids at once, help 2 kids into PJs at once. Read 2 different stories at the same time. My kids enjoy one on one time with us at bedtime.

Is your husband depressed? Why does he need to lie down and rest at 7-8:30pm?

I've been wondering this myself. He is usually asleep for the night by 9:30, but he does get up very early to get to work.

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you capable of getting two kids to bed? 12 yr old babysitters can do this routine.

Maybe you don’t have a 3yr old? While it CAN be done, it’s easier and quicker with 2 adults. My kids are 3 and 5 and they want different stories and Go to bed at the same time. The napping 3yr old doesn’t like sitting alone while I tuck in his brother sho goes to bed 20 min earlier. With 2 parents engaged we can brush teeth of 2 kids at once, help 2 kids into PJs at once. Read 2 different stories at the same time. My kids enjoy one on one time with us at bedtime.

Is your husband depressed? Why does he need to lie down and rest at 7-8:30pm?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that twice a week you are going to the gym at bedtime and once a week, you're joining a new bookclub (even if it's just you reading a book in a coffee shop). He's on his own until he figures this out. You are a crutch. He's an ass.

I do think two adults doing bedtime is a bit overkill. We split kitchen duty vs. bedtime. Since Dh traveled some, I usually took kitchen duty while he did bedtime.

He will never figure it out. She'll come back from gym or the bookclub at 10pm and the kids will be awake with their street clothes still on. Then OP will have to spend another hour doing bedtime by herself, and will still have the dishes & lunch to do.

Ask me how I know. I really wish I didn't know!

OP the ONLY answer is therapy.

My DH did that one time when I had to work late. I came home to my toddler watching tv at 9pm and he said “She refuses to go to sleep!” I smiled, gave her a big hug and said “Remember how mommy said she was going to come home after you were asleep? Well I just wanted to give you a hug and I’m going back to work!” I smiled at my DH and walked right out the front door.

I ignored all my DHs desperate texts. His angry texts. His threatening texts. Everything. We have a video monitor so I went to Starbucks for a couple hours and made sure to check if my daughter was asleep. At 11pm, I checked into a hotel and sent him a text saying if he was going to keep the toddler up all night, he was also going to deal with the consequences of a cranky kid in the morning. He was alone with the kid and he had to deal. I think he ended up calling in sick the next morning, he was so miserable. He was over an hour late to drop off. I went to work and picked up my kid from daycare as normal.

We had an epic fight that evening. He was angry that I didn’t come help him. I was pissed he had taken such sh*tty care of our daughter. I told him if he wanted me to handle all the childcare, he needed to Man up and double his salary and I’d be willing to be a SAHM. If he didn’t want to do that then he needed to man up and take care of his own kid. The third option is we get divorced and he has to take care of the baby alone half the time. At the time, I had a weekly work commitment where I’d be home at 9pm. I told him i was going to go to the gym another night and he’d be on his own for bedtime twice a week. He had late nights a few nights a week too. If I hadn’t put my foot down, I would have been stuck doing all the childcare while my DH said “Aw shucks! I don’t know how to do it, I guess you have to everything!”

Anonymous wrote:The title of this should be, "How to get your husband to understand it is unfair and corrosive to check out of household labor."

This. It would be different if bedtime wasn’t his thing but he was spending that time doing other tasks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat. My DH does a lot around the house but he WILL NOT help at night. We have a 3 year old with special needs who does not sleep through the night and we have a 5 month old. Between the two kids, I am up 3-6 times per night. My DH is a very deep sleeper and he needs a lot more sleep than I do to function. He says he feels physically ill when he gets less than 6 hours of sleep.

I resented him so much and it was creating serious distance. Finally, we saw a counselor and were able to have a productive discussion. We arrived to an agreement that we both feel good about and my husband makes sure to let me know that he appreciates the hard work I am doing at night. He now gets up an hour earlier and does the entire morning routine while I sleep. This gives me 2 extra hours of sleep in the morning which has actually made a big difference. I think the biggest thing was DH acknowledging how unfair it is that he is choosing to sleep and leaving me in the trenches, even if it’s “not his fault” because of what a heavy sleeper he is. As soon as he owned that, I was much more willing to find a compromise. Before, my blood would boil anytime I thought about it.

Another thing that worked for us- my husband takes care of all the dishes and lunch packing, as well as making my coffee in he morning. He also makes sure the dishwasher is emptied and the trash is taken out before he leaves for work. Helps set us up for a more successful day.

PP this warms my heart to see. I am so happy for you that therapy resolved this issue in a way that works for the unique needs of your family. This is why I always, always urge people to get therapy to work out domestic labor imbalances as soon as possible! But the key was that your DH was willing to acknowledge his part. Not all are. My DH was not (and refused therapy) so now he is on the way to being x-DH.

(Oh and also -- the sleeping in in the morning thing is something I wish I had figured out much earlier! Napping during the day doesn't really work for me (especially when I went back to work) but sleeping in an extra hour or two was like magic.)

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat. My DH does a lot around the house but he WILL NOT help at night. We have a 3 year old with special needs who does not sleep through the night and we have a 5 month old. Between the two kids, I am up 3-6 times per night. My DH is a very deep sleeper and he needs a lot more sleep than I do to function. He says he feels physically ill when he gets less than 6 hours of sleep.

I resented him so much and it was creating serious distance. Finally, we saw a counselor and were able to have a productive discussion. We arrived to an agreement that we both feel good about and my husband makes sure to let me know that he appreciates the hard work I am doing at night. He now gets up an hour earlier and does the entire morning routine while I sleep. This gives me 2 extra hours of sleep in the morning which has actually made a big difference. I think the biggest thing was DH acknowledging how unfair it is that he is choosing to sleep and leaving me in the trenches, even if it’s “not his fault” because of what a heavy sleeper he is. As soon as he owned that, I was much more willing to find a compromise. Before, my blood would boil anytime I thought about it.

Another thing that worked for us- my husband takes care of all the dishes and lunch packing, as well as making my coffee in he morning. He also makes sure the dishwasher is emptied and the trash is taken out before he leaves for work. Helps set us up for a more successful day.

PP this warms my heart to see. I am so happy for you that therapy resolved this issue in a way that works for the unique needs of your family. This is why I always, always urge people to get therapy to work out domestic labor imbalances as soon as possible! But the key was that your DH was willing to acknowledge his part. Not all are. My DH was not (and refused therapy) so now he is on the way to being x-DH.

I am in a similar boat. My DH does a lot around the house but he WILL NOT help at night. We have a 3 year old with special needs who does not sleep through the night and we have a 5 month old. Between the two kids, I am up 3-6 times per night. My DH is a very deep sleeper and he needs a lot more sleep than I do to function. He says he feels physically ill when he gets less than 6 hours of sleep.

I resented him so much and it was creating serious distance. Finally, we saw a counselor and were able to have a productive discussion. We arrived to an agreement that we both feel good about and my husband makes sure to let me know that he appreciates the hard work I am doing at night. He now gets up an hour earlier and does the entire morning routine while I sleep. This gives me 2 extra hours of sleep in the morning which has actually made a big difference. I think the biggest thing was DH acknowledging how unfair it is that he is choosing to sleep and leaving me in the trenches, even if it’s “not his fault” because of what a heavy sleeper he is. As soon as he owned that, I was much more willing to find a compromise. Before, my blood would boil anytime I thought about it.

Another thing that worked for us- my husband takes care of all the dishes and lunch packing, as well as making my coffee in he morning. He also makes sure the dishwasher is emptied and the trash is taken out before he leaves for work. Helps set us up for a more successful day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

He just says no?

Honestly, if you can’t sit down and talk to him about this — “dude, what the eff, this is your family and you need to be involved!” and he won’t go to counseling, I’d dump his butt. And I’m not one of the frequent “divorce him” posters. That kind of contempt is poisonous.

This.

I will tell you what I did, OP. I took half of the money out of our joint account and put it in a personal account. I deposit additional funds in it monthly. In addition, I met with a divorce attorney and got some basic information about likely custody and child support arrangements given our particular situation. Then I made it clear to my husband that he can keep his money, get to see his kids daily, have the nice house, sex with his lovely wife, and dinner every night, go to our kids weddings together, see our grandchildren together, etc etc. or he can lose all of those things and live on his own with child support payments and physical custody a few weeks a year. But either way, he is going to have to figure out how to do the laundry and the bedtime routine.


After that, I took a planned trip to see my sister while he took a couple of days off of work and took care of the kids.

The difference was AMAZING. Our household is so much calmer, we hardly ever fight, and his relationship with the kids is so much better.

No, this wouldn’t happen, unless one of you moved away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

He just says no?

Honestly, if you can’t sit down and talk to him about this — “dude, what the eff, this is your family and you need to be involved!” and he won’t go to counseling, I’d dump his butt. And I’m not one of the frequent “divorce him” posters. That kind of contempt is poisonous.

This.

I will tell you what I did, OP. I took half of the money out of our joint account and put it in a personal account. I deposit additional funds in it monthly. In addition, I met with a divorce attorney and got some basic information about likely custody and child support arrangements given our particular situation. Then I made it clear to my husband that he can keep his money, get to see his kids daily, have the nice house, sex with his lovely wife, and dinner every night, go to our kids weddings together, see our grandchildren together, etc etc. or he can lose all of those things and live on his own with child support payments and physical custody a few weeks a year. But either way, he is going to have to figure out how to do the laundry and the bedtime routine.


After that, I took a planned trip to see my sister while he took a couple of days off of work and took care of the kids.

The difference was AMAZING. Our household is so much calmer, we hardly ever fight, and his relationship with the kids is so much better.

I don't know if he helps in other ways but I am exhausted at night. I used to do baths and PJs before dinner. Then it was just teeth, books, bed and I could handle that. Also stop making lunches and doing dishes I'm the middle of the night, op.

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that twice a week you are going to the gym at bedtime and once a week, you're joining a new bookclub (even if it's just you reading a book in a coffee shop). He's on his own until he figures this out. You are a crutch. He's an ass.

I do think two adults doing bedtime is a bit overkill. We split kitchen duty vs. bedtime. Since Dh traveled some, I usually took kitchen duty while he did bedtime.

He will never figure it out. She'll come back from gym or the bookclub at 10pm and the kids will be awake with their street clothes still on. Then OP will have to spend another hour doing bedtime by herself, and will still have the dishes & lunch to do.

Ask me how I know. I really wish I didn't know!

OP the ONLY answer is therapy.

Tell him that twice a week you are going to the gym at bedtime and once a week, you're joining a new bookclub (even if it's just you reading a book in a coffee shop). He's on his own until he figures this out. You are a crutch. He's an ass.

I do think two adults doing bedtime is a bit overkill. We split kitchen duty vs. bedtime. Since Dh traveled some, I usually took kitchen duty while he did bedtime.

Was he like this with the first one? If so, why did you think it would change with a second?

In honor of this thread I asked my husband to put the one year old to bed. I haven’t actually nursed her at bedtime for a couple months but had stayed in the habit of doing her bedtime. They had so much fun. I’m sorry your husband is a jerk and wish I could give him a personality transplant.

If you are really into routines you need to do that solo. I am also into routines for the kids. Every other week i take a break and let him do bedtime. During this time of year if he doesnt use a routine it results in missed football. I have no sympathy ans keep my sanity. Some people arent routine centric others are.