Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:25     Subject: Re:If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
The cure for clique exclusion is always the same for eons. You find other moms that are outside and form a counter-clique.
There are always more moms that are out then in and those moms will be happy to join. Also make sure your claque looks
like you guys are having more fun then the other group.

Watch Bad Moms how to break bad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKCw-kqo3cs

Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:21     Subject: Re:If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
I'm not the OP, but to me socially aggressive means making friends with people who you think will somehow benefit you or your child. And to some extent, social engineering for your kid, which goes on more when they are young.

I am a naturally outgoing person who can easily talk to people and I try to be very aware of that person at the event or in the room who looks like they want to engage but isn't finding a way to do so. Someone smiling and looking around. Someone standing just on the outside of a circle where it's easy with body language and eye contact to draw them in. On the other hand, if I see you reading a book on a bench I would never bother you.

So I think the advice of make an effort and look like you want to be included is good advice. If you do that and people are STILL assholes...well then it's time to just evaluate how you got yourself in a community where you are surrounded by assholes.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:19     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?


But, they didn't know you. They knew the other woman. This seems totally fine to me. If I'd been you, I'd have waited for the "big welcome" chatter to die down and then said, "Hey, and while we're doing introductions, I'm Rachel and this is Emma - she's also new this year, and so excited to do a great job at this year's performance of Nutcracker."


But they didn't know her, I heard them just making introductions as we were all walking in. For reasons I won't get into, I know they that they didn't know her, but they knew of her.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:19     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.


Wow! You are despicable and proud of it.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:16     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t at a private school, but I see this kind of insecure projection in other venues. There was a discussion this summer on dcum regarding swim teams. People were convinced that they are intentionally socially excluded because their kids aren’t A meet swimmers. The truth is that people gravitate towards others with whom they have shared time and experiences.

I don’t see anything socially aggressive in what you describe. The fact that you think that being full pay should give you a social boost may indicate a problem with your outlook.


Don’t you see why this is a problem???? You think this makes is ok to exclude people? There are plenty of friendly and inclusive people who have had shared time and experiences with others.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:14     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?



Please define “socially aggressive.”
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:13     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.


Wow, you define people by having nice stuff? How sad for your kids.


Yeah, I don't know about how sad it is. I know women who really value nice things and physical appearance, both for themselves and for their children. While I make sure that we all look reasonable and even good when the occasion requires it, I'm not focused on it at all times. I know that I will not be more than passing acquaintances with those moms who value it more. It's completely fine. We all have our own interests and I don't begrudge them theirs. I also don't wish to know them better. So, it all works out.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:12     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.


Me too! Designer clothes! An expensive car! Huge well decorated house! Desirable zip code! Great hair! Use a lot of exclamation points! Squeal when I see friends!


I hope you drive a Suburban.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:11     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That's not socially aggressive. Maybe your kids are boring.

My daughter will work with one girl on group projects but won't otherwise hang out with her. That girl doesn't go anywhere but school without her entire family, and has zero sense of humor. The girls went to a movie and the mom sat right next to them. That was the last straw for DD. "If I wanted to hang out with a mother, I'd hang out with my own!"


Well, there's your answer OP. Want to hang out with that? Count your blessings lol



OP here that's weird. I'm not talking about those situations. I'm talking about moms that are socially aggressive because they can be.


What's a specific example?


not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?


But, they didn't know you. They knew the other woman. This seems totally fine to me. If I'd been you, I'd have waited for the "big welcome" chatter to die down and then said, "Hey, and while we're doing introductions, I'm Rachel and this is Emma - she's also new this year, and so excited to do a great job at this year's performance of Nutcracker."
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:11     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
I’m not sure you’ll escape this anywhere. Public school ptas have those moms. Neighborhoods of all types have those moms.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:10     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.


Me too! Designer clothes! An expensive car! Huge well decorated house! Desirable zip code! Great hair! Use a lot of exclamation points! Squeal when I see friends!
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 14:04     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.


Wow, you define people by having nice stuff? How sad for your kids.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 13:59     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:That's not socially aggressive. Maybe your kids are boring.

My daughter will work with one girl on group projects but won't otherwise hang out with her. That girl doesn't go anywhere but school without her entire family, and has zero sense of humor. The girls went to a movie and the mom sat right next to them. That was the last straw for DD. "If I wanted to hang out with a mother, I'd hang out with my own!"


Depending on the kids age, that's appropriate for the mom to be there.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 13:57     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That's not socially aggressive. Maybe your kids are boring.

My daughter will work with one girl on group projects but won't otherwise hang out with her. That girl doesn't go anywhere but school without her entire family, and has zero sense of humor. The girls went to a movie and the mom sat right next to them. That was the last straw for DD. "If I wanted to hang out with a mother, I'd hang out with my own!"


Well, there's your answer OP. Want to hang out with that? Count your blessings lol



OP here that's weird. I'm not talking about those situations. I'm talking about moms that are socially aggressive because they can be.


What's a specific example?


not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?


Wow, I'm cringing just reading this. I would have been so embarrassed for that mom. So tacky. You aren't missing anything.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2019 13:57     Subject: If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?


But do you just think those thoughts and disappear into the curtains? Or do you actually introduce yourself? When I'm super friendly and sometimes people stare at me incredulous that I've "broken through the other side," and they can't believe I'm talking to them. If you want people to talk to you and your kid, you're going to have to start doing some talking. Are you simply waiting for invitations to things to pour in? Then you might be waiting a long time. Why not organize and invite others? Some people expect to do nothing and just take and then they wonder why people aren't giving to them.


No I didn't just slink away, I just stood there for a few beats, thinking "surely she will acknowledge us in some way, even if it's just an afterthought, because to do otherwise is just glaringly rude....nope, that's what she intends to do." Then I turned around and introduced myself and my DD to another parent and then more people started coming in. They seemed normal and friendly and we had good chats.

I am friendly and nice. I have been in the position of the old-timer welcoming new people and I try to include everyone.

Of course, people can step forward and take initiative to introduce themselves, but it doesn't excuse rudeness when people purposely include some (whom they deem socially advantageous to know) and exclude others.


OP, here's the thing. I've been where you are. If you are a nice person who, if the tables were turned, would make an effort to make a newcomer feel welcome, you have trouble understanding why others would make so little effort to include you and your daughter. You wouldn't act any other way, but reality is that many people are selfish, self absorbed, and not interested in exhibiting any level of kindness unless it benefits them in some way. You can't change people like that, and, as you have seen with these responses, if you question their lack of courtesy, they will tell you it is your problem.

Continue being nice, friendly, and approachable and hopefully you can find some parents to connect with who are more like you. And you never know. Perhaps you caught some of these parents on a bad day. Keep an open mind.