Do you have siblings? If so, suggest she to look to one of them for help this time.

If she moves in, she won't move out. Be honest - her nagging is too much and no she isn't going to do better or change so she needs to find her own place. Help her find a place she can afford even if that means she must relocate. You can offer to send her set small allowance each month if you feel the need.

I would help her find a small apartment and help her pay the rent if needed. Does she work, does she have a pension or collect SS? I’d do everything possible to help her get organized and on her feet just as long as she didn’t live with me if she is the way you describe.

All the history, your Dad, etc. is beside the point. If you do not have the energy to live semi-happily with your mom in current circumstances, don’t do it.

Your priorities are your children, yourself, your DH, and then your mom — in that order. Your job fits in there somewhere to the extent it is important to your family’s and your own well-being.

What does your spouse think? That’s really the first thing you should be concerned about.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are in a good place, have a 3 year old DD and trying for a 2nd baby. We are 33/35 and both work full time stressful jobs.

I am finding myself rescuing my mom, again. She married an abusive alcoholic (my dad) and divorced when I was about 14. My dad ended up getting cancer, got sober, and him and I finally got very close and I was his caretaker through the very end, he passed away in May this year.

My mom has been with this "new" guy for 7 years- same exact thing. Alcoholic, dumb, no ambition and is just in general an idiot. I've put up with him and am always cordial, but everytime he gets drunk, about every other day, I hear my mom moaning and crying about it. Well, she finally decided she's had enough. They are selling their house and will make about $120k profit split 50/50. She can't afford a house in the current market, so she asked if she can live in our guest room until she figures things out.

I'm dreading it. My mother is such a nag. "Turn these lights off", "water your plants", "you get baby sitters too much", "Larlo doesn't need candy" etc etc. It's just NON STOP and has been that way forever and she isn't going to change.

My heart is soft after losing my dad, but she could afford an apartment and I'm leaning towards asking her to do that. Am I being terrible? Would you let her stay with you for X # of months?? WWYD?

Apartment definitely!!!!

NO NO NO NO NO

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like it was a time of true need for the dad, but it's more of a convenience for mom. OP could very well be willing to have mom stay if it's an end-of-life situation or if mom was completely out of money. Here, mom is presumably healthy and could afford an apartment, so I think it's unfair of you to expect OP to treat the two situations exactly the same.

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

But the problem is that OP's mom is likely to repeat her pattern of choosing the wrong man. No way OP should take the risk of dealing with that in her own home.

Well, no. According to OP, the problem is that her mom is a nag. To wit:

I'm dreading it. My mother is such a nag. "Turn these lights off", "water your plants", "you get baby sitters too much", "Larlo doesn't need candy" etc etc. It's just NON STOP and has been that way forever and she isn't going to change.

She's not saying she doesn't want her mom to move in because a new alcoholic boyfriend will magically appear. She's saying she doesn't want to deal with nagging. Which is her prerogative, but to this anonymous internet poster the fact that she was an end-of-life caretaker to the alcoholic who abused her mom but won't let her mom stay in her guest bedroom for a couple of months because she doesn't want to hear "turn your lights off" is messed up.

Why can’t it be both reasons? Or why can’t it be all the reasons rolled up into one, with the day to day annoyances being listed at the top? That’s how I’m reading it, because presumably she’s forgiven the neglect and emotional abuse from her mom during her childhood, similarly to how she forgave her dad, and while the poor choices in men and codependency are problems, mom presumably won’t jump into a new relationship next week. However, the nagging is a situation that will rear its ugly head from day 1, and it drastically affects the quality of life for OP and her family, and it opens her marriage up to major problems. To suggest OP is glossing over the other issues and trying to make her mom homeless while taking care of her abusive dad without acknowledging the nuances here is very disingenuous at best.

What difference does the reason make? Either you do or you don’t want her to live there. Period. It is OP and her DH’s right to decide. Their family unit and abode is private and they are entitled to their space. They are allowed to say, we just want to continue in our goals right now, and we are concerned that you would put that at risk. It could be a spiritual, emotional, physical, financial - whatever. Sorry, you don’t put your house on the market, agree and settle, barge in and overrun my home physically and emotionally with an I.o.u. Claim ticket for some major life change. It’s unfair and emotionally manipulative to play the position as a weaker parent. A loving parent won’t tax their child - they understand and nurture. OPs mom doesn’t sound like this. Some mothers you’d love to be there, baking oatmeal cookies without the raisins, folding laundry, going for walks on the trail with the dog to the park.

But I have dealt with abuse, so perhaps my thinking is uncommon in that it is totally healthy and within OPs right to say she isn’t comfortable with living arrangements changing in any way for her family right now. She can also offer a few rent to own options or look at nice condos or pay for a professional consultation on her new snapshot. But it doesn’t sound like OPs mom would commit to this.

Abuse is a very difficult cycle to break. You have to have firm boundary lines. Witnessing abuse and alcoholism, marriage transition at 14, remarriage to another abuser, divorce - all witness to a developing 36-month old child while preparing for another.

I also think if Mom moves in the current alcoholic BF will be there all the time.

Just, no.

I wouldn’t let her move in. Slippery slope, and you’ll likely be unhappy. I would help her out with an alt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

What dad did was worse big-picture wise, but, once OP forgave him, maybe easier to live with on a day-to-day basis. Man, I'd hate to live with a constant nag. But, I'd do pretty much anything for my mom, so there's that. I would do it and learn to ignore the nagging.

One other point to add is that Dad's caretaking was limited from the start, if he was terminal when he moved in (sorry to word this so bluntly) but Mom could move in and stay for 20 years.

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to Alanon? It is for family members of alcoholics. I'd go to a meeting or two and pick up some
of the books.

This is good advice, OP. As the child of an alcoholic you grew up in a particular family dynamic and it's easy to keep reliving that cycle again and again. Try Al-Anon or working with a therapist who has experience with Adult Children of Alcoholics to make sure that your choices are truly your own and not just remaking the world you grew up in. Good luck with this stuff. It's very hard but hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:OP - your mother purchased the house on her own. She is selling it on her own. You have nothing to do with her living arrangements. She needs to structure her financial goals and living arrangements as part of her current divorce proceedings. Draw a firm line and explain that you have a very rigid environment for the kids and are hesitant to disrupt that with the extensive job hours already reducing interaction and quality time.

Explain that one week, or joining her in apartment searches or condo searches that she can put toward a great investment or condo property that she can live in and rebuild her new life.

Redirect, redirect, and keep your boundaries (and very good heart) clear.

This is good advice.

Offer to drive her around to look at apartments NOW so she
knows where she wants to move after house sale.

She might need a week or two after house sale to sleep somewhere so offer her a week or two at your house
if she can't get in immediately to her selected apartment.

I would do it until December 31. Then she needs to find another place.

OP - your mother purchased the house on her own. She is selling it on her own. You have nothing to do with her living arrangements. She needs to structure her financial goals and living arrangements as part of her current divorce proceedings. Draw a firm line and explain that you have a very rigid environment for the kids and are hesitant to disrupt that with the extensive job hours already reducing interaction and quality time.

Explain that one week, or joining her in apartment searches or condo searches that she can put toward a great investment or condo property that she can live in and rebuild her new life.

Redirect, redirect, and keep your boundaries (and very good heart) clear.