Anonymous
10/15/2019 23:33
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
OP, I feel you! My DH is the same with the difference that he makes a lot more money than I do. He threaten to quit every few months. He has changed jobs multiple times in the last few years but things don’t get better. He is been at the current job for 3 years and I am holding my breath because this is the longest he is been in a job for years. This created a lot of stress in our marriage but things have gotten better since he has not changed job recently. He always blames everyone else.
I think that PP is spot on and this is anxiety or some type of disorder. He can’t manage stress at work and to be honest at home as well. I have suggested talking to a therapist and he didn’t take it well. And btw if I make a comment he doesn’t like he says I don’t support him!
Anyway it is very stressful. If your husband is open to therapy you should encourage him to do it.
I am not sure there is much you can do because he will be miserable if he changes job, he will be miserable if he doesn’t but maybe at least he wouldn’t blame you for being miserable if he does what he wants to do.
Also please make sure you list all the things you will have to cut from your budget and offload some of the house work to him. Good luck!
Ps: sorry for the typos got to go to bed
I think that PP is spot on and this is anxiety or some type of disorder. He can’t manage stress at work and to be honest at home as well. I have suggested talking to a therapist and he didn’t take it well. And btw if I make a comment he doesn’t like he says I don’t support him!
Anyway it is very stressful. If your husband is open to therapy you should encourage him to do it.
I am not sure there is much you can do because he will be miserable if he changes job, he will be miserable if he doesn’t but maybe at least he wouldn’t blame you for being miserable if he does what he wants to do.
Also please make sure you list all the things you will have to cut from your budget and offload some of the house work to him. Good luck!
Ps: sorry for the typos got to go to bed
Anonymous
10/15/2019 10:15
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:I think people are asking about OP being a SAHP because most people who work know how awful some jobs can be and the toll that can take on your mental health and overall wellbeing. So when someone is completely different to their spouses concern's and only cares about $$, that comes across as maybe they don't understand the challenges of the workplace. OP says she works but it sounds like her work environment is such that she just can't relate.
I am someone who thinks well-being and mental health and quality of life are a thousand times more important than status or class or luxury or wealth so I always think that open honest conversation about budget and overall well-being are good. I would never expect my spouse to stay in a job they hated. I have been in one and know how it can really be damaging and I would have a hard time being with someone who didn't care about my health or well-being. I am a woman so I don't really have to worry about being seen as $$ by my partner.
OP is not indifferent. Last year, her DH took a pay cut and changed jobs so he would be “less stressed.” Now he wants to do it again. Last year, he was making 100K and he changed jobs to the 80K job. Now he has THE SAME complaints as he had about the first job and wants to take another pay cut.
Come on! She’s been understanding and his complaints/stress/anxiety remain the same regardless of what job he has. She’s already picking up the slack, she’s the default parent, she already supported him through a job change (for a paycut) AND she still has to listen to him complain about how working sucks all the time. If he takes another paycut this year that’s almost a 50% paycut in TWO years! And he’s still going to be complaining to OP and stressed all the time - remember the relevant factors aren’t changing - commute, type of job, etc. It sounds like her DH has anxiety and he’d feel the same way even if he was a SAHD, he’s always going to have “something” to stress about.
OP, I would insist that he see a psychologist before he makes any more job changes. (At a minimum see a marriage therapist - and maybe a divorce lawyer just in case...) Honestly, you sound like a saint!
Anonymous
10/15/2019 10:00
Subject: Re:DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he struggles with anxiety, and that is a real condition, not just laziness or fragility. Respond with sympathy that he seems really anxious and could use to talk to a doctor or therapist about it. It’s probably true that no matter what job he has he will be overwhelmed, but this is not his fault — anxiety is a real condition of the brain. He is looking for an escape hatch because the condition is so distressing. But the correct first step is treating the anxiety and then the escape hatch might not be so necessary.
+1
I feel like I am your husband in some ways - I have a very fancy graduate degree that I barely use because I get overwhelmed by the high paying jobs that I'd need it for. I've jumped around careers a lot, mostly earning in the $50-70k range. I'm currently in a job I hope I can stay in for at least a few years, that pays $60k and is only moderately overly stressful.
Thank gd a million times my spouse doesn't share this same issue and is the primary breadwinner in our family. (He earns about $140k.) We absolutely rely on my income, but his is what allows us to have a nicer house, and save for retirement, and all that stuff.
Which is just by way of saying: Is there a way that you, OP, can take on the role of primary breadwinner and just handicap for your husband's work issues - which it sounds like are extremely stressful for both of you. If he goes to therapy and tries to deal with whatever he is dealing with, can he be primarily in charge of your home and you be primarily in charge of making sure your bills get met?
I don't know what the solution is otherwise. Maybe he has issues that can be treated and managed, and allow him to work in a more consistent way. But maybe not, and if not could you try to build a life around the fact that this is how he is?
There's also just the "suck it up you're a grownup with responsibilities" factor, which I hope he takes seriously. Even me, with all my "quirks," knows I can't just up and quit a stressful job without any reasonable backup plan.
'
I'm sorry. This sounds very stressful for you both.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 09:45
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Since divorce has been brought up, I would consider that option. I don’t think your husband would make a good stay at home parent and if he goes down that path you’ll essentially be a single mom with extra burdens.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 09:06
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:DH works in education so the pay isn’t amazing but the benefits are good. He recently switched his role and hates it. I’d get texts during the day from him saying he wanted to quit and stay home. He’s almost finished certifications to take him to the next level in his career. But now he says he doesn’t want to do that work anymore. He started applying for other jobs but the pool is limited given the nature of his work. He interviewed somewhere recently and got an offer that pays almost $20k less than his current job. He swears up and down it’s worth it because it’ll be less stressful for him. Financially, I’m not sure how’d we make ends meet. We’d be swapping his happiness at work for money issues. There’s not that much we can cut. He’s basically telling me there is no path for him to make a significant pay increase and that means he’s putting our family’s financial stability on me. He's being incredibly selfish and we have young kids at home that we need to think about. When I reflect on his choices, I can see there is a pattern with him quitting. He’s well respected and a hard worker but he gets overwhelmed easily, bottles it up and then wants to change roles. I just don’t see the value in taking such a paycut with the hope that he’ll be less stressed. I think he’ll always be stressed no matter what he does, so why not get paid for your time. And his current job is just different than the last but one he’s totally capable of doing.
I can see if he was totally stepping out of the workforce, but he isn’t. He’s just getting paid less. It’s not a better commute, not less hours. It’s the glimmer of hope that he might not be stressed but I say that’s just how he’s wired.
Am I a horrible person to tell him to suck it up? I don’t think I have the ability to do sustain our household (groceries, cleaning, appointments, house repairs etc...) plus lead our financial situation.
I did about 3 prior posts. My ex husband who changed jobs frequently due to stress did not find lower stress on jobs that paid less. He worked jobs that paid
big money. He worked jobs that paid less. Money did not seem to be linked to the amount of stress on the job. The problem was my ex husbands ability
to handle stress on any job. i.e. The problem was my ex husband's ability to handle being in the work force. It had nothing to do with a particular job
or level of pay. It took me about 8 years of job changing for me to realize this.
I highly recommend professional help for your husband and possibly meds for him to handle anxiety.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 09:05
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.
So that means your HHI is, at least 160k or more. Are you so upset about going from 160+ to 140+ even if that means he can have the job he wants?
+1. Also, if he is going down to the $60ks he could probably even change fields because that isn't much money up here and it shouldn't be that hard to find a job in a parallel field that might be less stressful.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 09:02
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:Call your parents in law. Maybe they can talk some sense into him.
Who the hell would do this?!!? I would be considering divorce if DH ever brought either set of parents into a job/money discussion.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:59
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
I'm 8:42 and 8:46
It wasn't until about 8 years into my marriage that I realized
that the problem wasn't the job duties/makeup of individual
jobs my ex husband had. The problem was my ex husband
was unable to handle the stress of holding down any job.
He changed jobs every 12-14 months. He always told
me the job was the problem. Other men working for the
same employers did not have any problems and are still
working their decades later.
My ex husband always blamed each employer for the stress.
Towards the end he left two really really good employers.
He was making very good money with his last two employers and there was nothing wrong with those jobs.
The problem was my husband could not handle the
stress of any job.
What I learned from this--having a guy who is working
an average job year after year after year is preferable to
a job hopper. The job hopping caused a lot of stress on our marriage.
I'd do a couple of sessions of couples therapy and try to get husband pointed to meds.
Signed....woman who does not believe in meds.
It wasn't until about 8 years into my marriage that I realized
that the problem wasn't the job duties/makeup of individual
jobs my ex husband had. The problem was my ex husband
was unable to handle the stress of holding down any job.
He changed jobs every 12-14 months. He always told
me the job was the problem. Other men working for the
same employers did not have any problems and are still
working their decades later.
My ex husband always blamed each employer for the stress.
Towards the end he left two really really good employers.
He was making very good money with his last two employers and there was nothing wrong with those jobs.
The problem was my husband could not handle the
stress of any job.
What I learned from this--having a guy who is working
an average job year after year after year is preferable to
a job hopper. The job hopping caused a lot of stress on our marriage.
I'd do a couple of sessions of couples therapy and try to get husband pointed to meds.
Signed....woman who does not believe in meds.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:46
Subject: Re:DH wants less responsibility and less pay
OP, I can totally understand your frustration. I'm a single parent and have a pretty stressful job. I can't just lower my income and expect my spouse to pick up the pieces.
Perhaps encourage him to stick with it and eventually he will figure out how to manage the stress, or he can apply somewhere else for a position that pays the same.
Perhaps encourage him to stick with it and eventually he will figure out how to manage the stress, or he can apply somewhere else for a position that pays the same.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:46
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
I'm PP here. I'd probably try couples therapy. Discuss how
stressful all of the job changes are to the marriage. If
the therapist is good he/she will probably suggest someone
your husband can see to try a med.
Signed....woman who does not believe in psych meds
PS. I've been with the same boyfriend now for 12 years. He is
on job #2 in 12 years. My ex husband would have been on job 9 or 10 in a 12 year period.
I learned that having a man work a stable job is huge
in a relationship.
stressful all of the job changes are to the marriage. If
the therapist is good he/she will probably suggest someone
your husband can see to try a med.
Signed....woman who does not believe in psych meds
PS. I've been with the same boyfriend now for 12 years. He is
on job #2 in 12 years. My ex husband would have been on job 9 or 10 in a 12 year period.
I learned that having a man work a stable job is huge
in a relationship.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:44
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
I think people are asking about OP being a SAHP because most people who work know how awful some jobs can be and the toll that can take on your mental health and overall wellbeing. So when someone is completely different to their spouses concern's and only cares about $$, that comes across as maybe they don't understand the challenges of the workplace. OP says she works but it sounds like her work environment is such that she just can't relate.
I am someone who thinks well-being and mental health and quality of life are a thousand times more important than status or class or luxury or wealth so I always think that open honest conversation about budget and overall well-being are good. I would never expect my spouse to stay in a job they hated. I have been in one and know how it can really be damaging and I would have a hard time being with someone who didn't care about my health or well-being. I am a woman so I don't really have to worry about being seen as $$ by my partner.
I am someone who thinks well-being and mental health and quality of life are a thousand times more important than status or class or luxury or wealth so I always think that open honest conversation about budget and overall well-being are good. I would never expect my spouse to stay in a job they hated. I have been in one and know how it can really be damaging and I would have a hard time being with someone who didn't care about my health or well-being. I am a woman so I don't really have to worry about being seen as $$ by my partner.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:42
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Hi OP,
I really liked my ex husband but he changed jobs about
every year due to the stressors of the job. The job changing
that he did was very stressful to the marriage.
He always blamed his problems/stress on the various jobs (not on himself). The thing is, I knew men that worked at the
same businesses and none of them were quitting.
Things got a bit better when he went on zoloft. He said
his mind settled for the first time in his life.
I feel for you. My experience was the drama that my husband created from all of these job changes was
very very stressful in the marriage.
I really liked my ex husband but he changed jobs about
every year due to the stressors of the job. The job changing
that he did was very stressful to the marriage.
He always blamed his problems/stress on the various jobs (not on himself). The thing is, I knew men that worked at the
same businesses and none of them were quitting.
Things got a bit better when he went on zoloft. He said
his mind settled for the first time in his life.
I feel for you. My experience was the drama that my husband created from all of these job changes was
very very stressful in the marriage.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:37
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
The OP has said SHE WORKS! I would sit down with him and work on the budget. Do you have cable? Cancel it. Do you outsource anything? Cancel it. Figure out the difference in your monthly net income if he drops 20K per year. It's probably $1000 a month less. Maybe he is willing to work a side gig to make up some money.
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:36
Subject: DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand why all of you people think I have or grew up with money. There’s no trust fund. I paid for my own way in college, was raised by a single mom. That couldn’t be farther from my reality. Is it because I said I’m taking care of our household responsibilities. Well I do. I cook, clean (no maid because we can’t afford one), make and take our kids to all their appointments, find camp etc.. Those are domestic responsibilities which I do. So let my husband coast so he can come home with a clear mind and dinner on the table? Don’t we all wish life was that easy.
Op—- do you receive a 1099 or W2 at the end of the year for your work? What number is in box 1?
There is nothing wrong with being a SAHP as long as the working spouse is on board with it. It sounds like you DH has been the primary earner for a while. Why not reverse roles for a bit?
Read the thread. Op works and brings home more than her dh. There is no SAHP. What is wrong with you people?
Op, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I suspect you’re right, the lower salary may very well not come with less stress, and then where will you be? It sounds like you’ve got daycare to pay for which is expensive. Perhaps you guys can talk about him sucking up this job for however much longer you need to pay for that, and when that is over, you can see about him making a change. And maybe putting pause on this for now will allow either another opportunity to show itself, or spur him into something to help him manage his stress better. Would he try meditation or something like that?
Anonymous
10/15/2019 08:10
Subject: Re:DH wants less responsibility and less pay
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he struggles with anxiety, and that is a real condition, not just laziness or fragility. Respond with sympathy that he seems really anxious and could use to talk to a doctor or therapist about it. It’s probably true that no matter what job he has he will be overwhelmed, but this is not his fault — anxiety is a real condition of the brain. He is looking for an escape hatch because the condition is so distressing. But the correct first step is treating the anxiety and then the escape hatch might not be so necessary.
+1