Anonymous wrote:For a doctor, OP writes horribly. I call troll! Which 24yo medical resident is able to raise a child? No way. If let's say OP's sister was 18 when she was knocked up with the nephew, then she'd be mid-30s now. Kinda late to be knocked up again. A degenerate like her would more likely be having a litter of kids at her age. So I call troll.

Oh stop lots of people have kids during residency and med school!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. My unstable sister has two kids; mercifully, the father of the first is stable enough to raise her well, and is doing so. With the second, who's 6, it's a cluster. At this point, my parents (divorced but friendly) pick up most of the parenting slack and then DH and I help where we can. Our kids are much younger than yours, and adore their cousin. I've withstood heavy pressure from my mom to take in my niece; much as it breaks my heart, a fourth kid would undo us, especially with my sister still around and wanting visitation, being a mess, etc. I won't even get into details about my niece's father, but's a whole other disaster.

It's SUCH a hard scenario, and I feel for you, truly. It may be worth consulting with someone (lawyer? family social worker?) to see what the various options are to you. You don't have to raise this child and it may be best that you don't, even if it comes to that. But you could find out how and when to intervene and also potentially mobilize any other family resources that may be out there. This stuff is so stressful.

Thank you for writing, PP. This is sort of the situation I am in right now. At this point, after talking with DH, it's pretty evident that adding another child is not going to work for us. We are in a similar situation as you and your DH.

My sister is firmly set on having this child and raising it. She claims to be sober at the moment which is a relief of sorts, but her financial life, her romantic life and well...her life is chaotic. In some ways, I hope having this child will force my sister to make different choices. There's no way to terminate parental rights. If the baby tested positive for drugs, there may be a way, but I wouldn't wish for that and hope her sobriety is here to stay (and is actually occurring).

And to the posters who claim I am making this up, I hope you never, ever find yourselves in my shoes. And yes, I did a full residency in NYC with an infant...alone. I spent every single damn cent I had (including two modest inheritances from relatives) to cover childcare, including paying for overnight care. I did this alone for five years until I finished training (though the latter bit I had help from my DH). If you want to make fun of my writing or claim I am a troll, you are the problem. People should be able to get support on DCUM without someone throwing out the troll flag.

I think you're amazing, OP! I believe that you are real. Something like this did happen on ER, though. First season?

Would you consider severing ties with your sister? I think your four children and your marriage must come first and before you find yourself being faced with becoming the adoptive mother of an infant, I think you’d be best off cutting ties. Do you provide your sister financial support? If so, cut it off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are a doctor, so you know the problems this baby could have. Fetal alcohol syndrome, etc. It’s not fair to bring that possibility into your family right now. I know that’s harsh. I have a disabled child. It blows the entire family up. The care, the stress, the expense. Is your husband up for that? Or could it end the marriage. I love my kid more than anything. But the stress has been almost unbearable. And while we adults can deal with it, it’s super hard on siblings. I do feel guilt for that.

Please heed this post, OP.

You have had three children of your own since you so kindly chose to raise your nephew. You owe them your attention and your emotional and physical and financial resources too. Your husband deserves the family life and retirement he and you probably envisioned and that does not include starting over as parents to a newborn. That sounds horrid and cold, I'm sure, but situations like this can be marriage-killers as well as doing damage to the relationship with and among the four kids you already have (and I'm including your wonderful nephew as one of your kids).

You must be crystal clear with your sister and your posts are worryingly indicating you haven't been.

An earlier PP mentioned involving a social worker. Do it now, not when the baby is already here. See if you can get solid confidential advice about how to ensure that sister gets pointed toward resources herself or how to involve CPS or line up an adoption if sister can be made to see that would be best when the time comes. When the baby actually arrives she might either decide she wants to try to keep the baby or she might feel so overwhelmed she tries to hand the baby to you--at which point you refuse and contact whatever authorities you have already determined are the next step. A private adoption that lets sister and you have some contact with the baby could work.

But get prepared now with a list of possible next steps before the baby arrives so you do not cave in and just take in the baby yourself. When the baby is a reality, you may be operating on emotion, guilt, fear for the baby, unless you are well prepared and ready to say no to having the child handed off to you. That is not the best thing for the baby or fair to your kids.
[u]
Where is your husband on all this? A no vote from him, or even kind ambivalence, should mean you don't take the baby anyway.

So very many families out there are desperately seeking to adopt infants, OP.

The bolded is so well said. OP, when in doubt, repeat the bolded. Prepare NOW. Best wishes in this difficult situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. My unstable sister has two kids; mercifully, the father of the first is stable enough to raise her well, and is doing so. With the second, who's 6, it's a cluster. At this point, my parents (divorced but friendly) pick up most of the parenting slack and then DH and I help where we can. Our kids are much younger than yours, and adore their cousin. I've withstood heavy pressure from my mom to take in my niece; much as it breaks my heart, a fourth kid would undo us, especially with my sister still around and wanting visitation, being a mess, etc. I won't even get into details about my niece's father, but's a whole other disaster.

It's SUCH a hard scenario, and I feel for you, truly. It may be worth consulting with someone (lawyer? family social worker?) to see what the various options are to you. You don't have to raise this child and it may be best that you don't, even if it comes to that. But you could find out how and when to intervene and also potentially mobilize any other family resources that may be out there. This stuff is so stressful.

Thank you for writing, PP. This is sort of the situation I am in right now. At this point, after talking with DH, it's pretty evident that adding another child is not going to work for us. We are in a similar situation as you and your DH.

My sister is firmly set on having this child and raising it. She claims to be sober at the moment which is a relief of sorts, but her financial life, her romantic life and well...her life is chaotic. In some ways, I hope having this child will force my sister to make different choices. There's no way to terminate parental rights. If the baby tested positive for drugs, there may be a way, but I wouldn't wish for that and hope her sobriety is here to stay (and is actually occurring).

And to the posters who claim I am making this up, I hope you never, ever find yourselves in my shoes. And yes, I did a full residency in NYC with an infant...alone. I spent every single damn cent I had (including two modest inheritances from relatives) to cover childcare, including paying for overnight care. I did this alone for five years until I finished training (though the latter bit I had help from my DH). If you want to make fun of my writing or claim I am a troll, you are the problem. People should be able to get support on DCUM without someone throwing out the troll flag.

You're welcome. This situation is almost unknowable until you're in it. My mom and I discussed trying to attempt to have my sister's parental rights terminated, and are in the space now of hoping against hope she can maintain her currently fragile sobriety and keep it together. The only other thing I'd add is, if the opportunity presents itself, help your sister avail herself of what public resources are available. Part of my parents' mistake has been not doing that, to the point where it caused them significant financial difficulty and also never forced her to learn how to get these resources. It's not great for her to be so dependent on them and she knows that at some level. So, if there are ways to help your sister become more independent and you can reasonably do them, that might be another idea.

Also, to maybe offer a bit of hope, I have a dear friend who was the child in this situation, and who had a relative in your shoes and mine. And she has been so honest and reassuring that even while they didn't live together, the things this relative did (long weekends, special outings, etc.) made a world of difference in her life. My friend is kind, stable, smart AF, and a fantastic mom to her kids. I hold onto hope that what I can do for my niece will be enough. I am crossing all fingers and toes for your sister and her unborn child, and for you, too. You're not alone.

To all the PPs judging or criticizing the OP: f right off.

Wow. You are a good, kind, woman, OP. I hope your sister's son is grateful to you.

Best of luck in what you decide. Don't worry too much. If your sister is older, the pregnancy might terminate naturally.

Hate to say it OP, but if you take this child, your sister may do it again. I know a family who has now adopted 3 children - all with special needs - in addition to their two biological kids, all because the addict parent refuses to use birth control. Addict parent is not only addicted to drugs but also a carrier for a genetic illness, which all three kids have. Addict parent will probably continue to produce kids - still young enough to pop them out for years to come.

* resigns not resides.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is what I am struggling with. OP here. It is so cruel and unfair. I see my nephew and see what a child can become if they have a stable home and support and it breaks my heart to do that.

You are basically agreeing to take the child so that she doesn’t have to make difficult decisions. You have told her as much. This doesn’t seem compassionate of you at all.

I agree.
I feel for you so much OP, while reading that my heart broke for you and your nephew. I also sympathize with your situation, as I know I'd feel the same exact way if it were me. (((hugs )))

Now's the no sugar coating it part...

It does seem like you're enabling your sister & her bad decisions. This is going to be history repeating itself and if you take this baby, she'll do it again and again and again.

By you cleaning up & taking the responsibility for her, she never has to hit rock bottom or be accountable for her actions, as she knows that these babies will have an incredible life with you (FAR more incredible than anything that she can provide) and I promise you...

This is exactly how she resides herself with the fact that she does it.

She has no guilt, because she tells herself that the baby is better off with you anyway.

She also has no reason to take precautions, because she knows you'll be there to catch the baby when it falls.

I don't know what to tell you, but I would tell her that you are NOT going to raise this baby, however you will help her find someone to adopt the baby.

Babies are so adoptable in this country, they don't have to be newborns for a loving couple in this country to jump at the chance of being their mom & dad.

If she won't adopt directly after birth, maybe you can convince her that since you can't take the baby, that this will be her only option?

I hesitate saying this given your sister's background, however there are some adoption attorneys who's clients will pay for a baby.
The whole thing sounds gross & icky to me, however pandering to your sister's need for money may be the best way of getting this child adopted into a good, loving home.

If you have any doubt whatsoever about this baby's well being; take the baby, make mom sign forms giving up her parental rights & then YOU place the baby up for adoption... if open adoption makes you feel better knowing where the baby is, do that.

What is your sister's mental illness? I apologize if you've already mentioned it, I may have missed it.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. My unstable sister has two kids; mercifully, the father of the first is stable enough to raise her well, and is doing so. With the second, who's 6, it's a cluster. At this point, my parents (divorced but friendly) pick up most of the parenting slack and then DH and I help where we can. Our kids are much younger than yours, and adore their cousin. I've withstood heavy pressure from my mom to take in my niece; much as it breaks my heart, a fourth kid would undo us, especially with my sister still around and wanting visitation, being a mess, etc. I won't even get into details about my niece's father, but's a whole other disaster.

It's SUCH a hard scenario, and I feel for you, truly. It may be worth consulting with someone (lawyer? family social worker?) to see what the various options are to you. You don't have to raise this child and it may be best that you don't, even if it comes to that. But you could find out how and when to intervene and also potentially mobilize any other family resources that may be out there. This stuff is so stressful.

Thank you for writing, PP. This is sort of the situation I am in right now. At this point, after talking with DH, it's pretty evident that adding another child is not going to work for us. We are in a similar situation as you and your DH.

My sister is firmly set on having this child and raising it. She claims to be sober at the moment which is a relief of sorts, but her financial life, her romantic life and well...her life is chaotic. In some ways, I hope having this child will force my sister to make different choices. There's no way to terminate parental rights. If the baby tested positive for drugs, there may be a way, but I wouldn't wish for that and hope her sobriety is here to stay (and is actually occurring).

And to the posters who claim I am making this up, I hope you never, ever find yourselves in my shoes. And yes, I did a full residency in NYC with an infant...alone. I spent every single damn cent I had (including two modest inheritances from relatives) to cover childcare, including paying for overnight care. I did this alone for five years until I finished training (though the latter bit I had help from my DH). If you want to make fun of my writing or claim I am a troll, you are the problem. People should be able to get support on DCUM without someone throwing out the troll flag.

Anonymous wrote:For a doctor, OP writes horribly. I call troll! Which 24yo medical resident is able to raise a child? No way. If let's say OP's sister was 18 when she was knocked up with the nephew, then she'd be mid-30s now. Kinda late to be knocked up again. A degenerate like her would more likely be having a litter of kids at her age. So I call troll.

Oh stop it. Lots of people write terribly, particularly on an internet message board where there is little incentive to write well other than not being called a troll. There are also plenty of people who raise children while in medical school. As for your quibbles with the timeline, I think it belies your own sheltered and prejudiced view of the world. Stop calling TROLL because someone posts some things that seem strange to you.

Anonymous wrote:For a doctor, OP writes horribly. I call troll! Which 24yo medical resident is able to raise a child? No way. If let's say OP's sister was 18 when she was knocked up with the nephew, then she'd be mid-30s now. Kinda late to be knocked up again. A degenerate like her would more likely be having a litter of kids at her age. So I call troll.

If you're going to attack someone's writing, at least make your post grammatically correct.

For a doctor, OP writes horribly. I call troll! Which 24yo medical resident is able to raise a child? No way. If let's say OP's sister was 18 when she was knocked up with the nephew, then she'd be mid-30s now. Kinda late to be knocked up again. A degenerate like her would more likely be having a litter of kids at her age. So I call troll.

I'm so sorry, OP. My unstable sister has two kids; mercifully, the father of the first is stable enough to raise her well, and is doing so. With the second, who's 6, it's a cluster. At this point, my parents (divorced but friendly) pick up most of the parenting slack and then DH and I help where we can. Our kids are much younger than yours, and adore their cousin. I've withstood heavy pressure from my mom to take in my niece; much as it breaks my heart, a fourth kid would undo us, especially with my sister still around and wanting visitation, being a mess, etc. I won't even get into details about my niece's father, but's a whole other disaster.

It's SUCH a hard scenario, and I feel for you, truly. It may be worth consulting with someone (lawyer? family social worker?) to see what the various options are to you. You don't have to raise this child and it may be best that you don't, even if it comes to that. But you could find out how and when to intervene and also potentially mobilize any other family resources that may be out there. This stuff is so stressful.

Anonymous wrote:Definitely terminate her parental rights. Get the baby and put him or her up for adoption. Is she anywhere close to menopause? If not pay her to get her tubes tied.

+1 - Some version of this. It's hard to terminate parental rights, but it can be done. To be honest, if she's financially motivated I'd give her a good chunk of money to sign over her parental rights so the baby can be put up for adoption and under the condition she get her tubes tied.

I know that sounds harsh, but letting her think she'll give the child to you and the upheaval that will cause in everyone's life sounds worse.