Anonymous
09/30/2019 15:06
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.
Exactly. Bickering and arguing are negative interactions. A discussion allows both parties to be heard without rancor.
No. Arguing means you give your reasons for not agreeing with someone else’s position and discuss. To do so otherwise, means you don’t feel strongly about an issue/topic or you’re a doormat. We talk things through, don’t yell, hit, get red faced, etc, but that doesn’t mean we don’t argue.
You're a lawyer, yeah?
Anonymous
09/30/2019 14:43
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.
See m, I call all of that that arguing. Arguing isn’t always loud or violent.
No two human beings agree on literally everything. Some amount of disagreement or conflict happens in every relationship. It is all a matter of degree and frequency. While all of that is 'arguing' I disagree that all of it gets to the core issue of 'if you rarely argue'. Couples who rarely argue are either suppressing their unhappiness to an unhealthy level or they have found a way to progress through conflict with relative ease. I do agree that if a couple literally NEVER disagrees that something is likely wrong and at least one spouse doesn't feel empowered to express themselves.
But I am in a very low conflict marriage and like other posters it is a combination of how we argue (ie, no raised voices, no festering, open and healthy conversation, generally assuming the best intentions in the other spouse) and the amount of things we allow to bother us (I just don't get too annoyed about a dish left out or a chore forgotten, they are small potatoes in the grand scheme of things).
We do disagree, of course we do, we are different people. But when something comes up we don't yell, we don't assume bad things about the other and their motivations, we don't accuse, we don't dwell in the fight. And none of this is hard because its how we've practiced our relationship. At this point if one of us started yelling it would be so concerning and disconcerting that the other person would be like, 'whoa is something ELSE wrong?'. It would be almost as shocking as slapping the other person. We just don't do it.
OP — the pp provides the best description.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 14:30
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.
See m, I call all of that that arguing. Arguing isn’t always loud or violent.
No two human beings agree on literally everything. Some amount of disagreement or conflict happens in every relationship. It is all a matter of degree and frequency. While all of that is 'arguing' I disagree that all of it gets to the core issue of 'if you rarely argue'. Couples who rarely argue are either suppressing their unhappiness to an unhealthy level or they have found a way to progress through conflict with relative ease. I do agree that if a couple literally NEVER disagrees that something is likely wrong and at least one spouse doesn't feel empowered to express themselves.
But I am in a very low conflict marriage and like other posters it is a combination of how we argue (ie, no raised voices, no festering, open and healthy conversation, generally assuming the best intentions in the other spouse) and the amount of things we allow to bother us (I just don't get too annoyed about a dish left out or a chore forgotten, they are small potatoes in the grand scheme of things).
We do disagree, of course we do, we are different people. But when something comes up we don't yell, we don't assume bad things about the other and their motivations, we don't accuse, we don't dwell in the fight. And none of this is hard because its how we've practiced our relationship. At this point if one of us started yelling it would be so concerning and disconcerting that the other person would be like, 'whoa is something ELSE wrong?'. It would be almost as shocking as slapping the other person. We just don't do it.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 14:29
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How do you achieve this? Do you and spouse naturally agree on everything? Do you disagree but rarely voice your disagreement leading to no arguments?
We do not agree on everything, but we agree on most things. When something comes up that we disagree about or I am annoyed about something, I think very carefully about whether it is worth it to me to create an argument in order to voice my disapproval. The answer is almost always no. This is not to say that DH just gets to do whatever he wants with no disapproval from me. We really just genuinely do not have a lot of points of contention in our relationship.
“... with no disapproval from me.” So rather than debate something you disapprove of (that is, argue), you do what? Stop speaking to him, withhold something from him, reprimand him for making you upset, resent him, ...? What form does your overt disapproval take? If you remain silent, how does he know what exactly you don’t agree with if you don’t give an argument?
Anonymous
09/30/2019 14:19
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.
Exactly. Bickering and arguing are negative interactions. A discussion allows both parties to be heard without rancor.
No. Arguing means you give your reasons for not agreeing with someone else’s position and discuss. To do so otherwise, means you don’t feel strongly about an issue/topic or you’re a doormat. We talk things through, don’t yell, hit, get red faced, etc, but that doesn’t mean we don’t argue.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 14:03
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:How do you achieve this? Do you and spouse naturally agree on everything? Do you disagree but rarely voice your disagreement leading to no arguments?
We do not agree on everything, but we agree on most things. When something comes up that we disagree about or I am annoyed about something, I think very carefully about whether it is worth it to me to create an argument in order to voice my disapproval. The answer is almost always no. This is not to say that DH just gets to do whatever he wants with no disapproval from me. We really just genuinely do not have a lot of points of contention in our relationship.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 14:03
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.
See m, I call all of that that arguing. Arguing isn’t always loud or violent.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 14:01
Subject: Re:If you rarely argue with spouse
1. We each have our zones. He's in charge of meals, kitchen, food. I'm in charge of laundry and clothes. Unless one of us absolutely HATES something the other is about to do/purchase/toss, we stay in our own zone.
2. We set up perimeters for events that can cause conflict. How often we see his parents, how often we h have overnight guests, how we back each other up with the kids, how much we'll spend without consulting each other ($200), etc.
3. We "fight fair." So we don't let things fester, we aren't passive-aggressive, we assume the best in each other, etc. If I think he's doing something wrong but it's really important to him and won't cause a big problem, then I just let it go. Same with him towards me.
2. We set up perimeters for events that can cause conflict. How often we see his parents, how often we h have overnight guests, how we back each other up with the kids, how much we'll spend without consulting each other ($200), etc.
3. We "fight fair." So we don't let things fester, we aren't passive-aggressive, we assume the best in each other, etc. If I think he's doing something wrong but it's really important to him and won't cause a big problem, then I just let it go. Same with him towards me.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 13:55
Subject: Re:If you rarely argue with spouse
We are the same page on most things (80%). The other 20% are things that only one person feels strongly about, so that person takes the lead on it.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 13:43
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:We really don't have anything to argue about. In the off chance that there is, we talk about. We don't let it fester.
The most common arguments between couples involve money, household chores and sex. If you can conquer those three things, everything else seems like a walk in the park.
Agree. We don’t argue when we sit down or email about future vacations, school stuff, gifts, car to buy, etc.
The arguments arise when my spouse messes something up. It could be forgetting to tell me about a work trip, making a mess in the kitchen or breaking something. He simply will not take responsibility, and forget an apology. He’ll deflect and make excuses so fast it is lunacy, and then the lies and cover ups start.
It used to make me angry, and concerned the kids would see that lying and deflecting is the way to go. But now I just let it go and feel sorry for him. It’s unclear why he continues to do this, but I noticed his father and brother are the exact same way. Something happens, and there is absolutely no explanation. Life is just full of constant mysteries. I just LMAO now.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 13:07
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.
Exactly. Bickering and arguing are negative interactions. A discussion allows both parties to be heard without rancor.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 13:04
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
Well then everyone argues, if you mean "argue different sides of an opinion." My DH and I disagree on occasion, but we don't get disagreeable about it. We get grouchy and act it sometimes, but we always apologize and make sure the other person knows it was just a mood, and not about them. We stopped bickering when we realized it was endangering our happiness - we were new parents and were taking out our exhuastion on each other. We realized it and made great efforts to stop. So now we don't bicker.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 13:00
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
Anonymous wrote:I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.
No, there is a huge difference between bickering and arguing versus discussions with opposing opinions.
Anonymous
09/30/2019 12:57
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
What is there to argue about?
Anonymous
09/30/2019 12:05
Subject: If you rarely argue with spouse
I'm lumping bickering in with arguing. It's still a disagreement. I also am including discussions with opposing opinions in arguing.