Anonymous
Post 02/05/2020 17:52     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
The number one thing my mom did wrong was fail to get therapy for her rage. Also, she vented her rage against her XH on her children (especially her sons), alienated us from him, and denied us access to him. Basically we were helpless pawns in her war with him.

I am not sure if her photos include photos of him and her. I doubt it, but I hope she does. It would be too bad if not. They were all from the "take your film and get it developed" days so there weren't as many photos in general.


Anonymous
Post 02/05/2020 17:19     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
What do you wish they had done differently, if anything? Or what did they get right? I wish my mother hadn't cheated or at least had kept it quiet. I wish my father hadn't fled to the other side of the country and certainly wish I'd been told what was going on with him.

I never speak ill of my soon to be ex to my children, but is there anything else to think of so I can start on the right foot for them? I've notified school and day care in case anything arises. Eh.

Secondarily, did you retain (or wish you had any) family photos of when your parents were together? I don't have any. I'm sure there ARE wedding pics, but I don't know where.

. Do I toss them in the trash or will my kids one day want to see photos of us all together? I recognize they are young enough that in the future, they may not have a lot of memory of us all together. I might like to look at one. I wouldn't put it up anywhere though.

I don't have a lot of context for divorce from friends I grew up with so any insight from your experience is helpful
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2020 17:14     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.


NP, and me too! I switched every Wednesday night. I lost all my neighborhood friends, as nobody ever knew where I was or if I'd be home to play or not. I never felt grounded or like I had a home, I was constantly traveling. When I got older I had a job where I traveled every week for work and it felt EXACTLy the same as when I was a child. I left that job immediately. As a kid, once I turned 16 and could drive I asked to live with my dad and see my mom on weekends and one night/week for dinner. It did wonders for my mental health but my mom felt slighted by it.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2020 17:09     Subject: Re:If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:I kept all of our photos, including our wedding photos. I also have a few photos around the house with ex-h in them (one on the fridge in a magnet frame of just ex-h and DS on their vacation last summer, one of the three of us on Halloween in our group costume).


To clarify, a Halloween years ago. Ex-h and I do not do a group costume with DS anymore, ha.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2020 17:02     Subject: Re:If your parents divorced when you were young-
I kept all of our photos, including our wedding photos. I also have a few photos around the house with ex-h in them (one on the fridge in a magnet frame of just ex-h and DS on their vacation last summer, one of the three of us on Halloween in our group costume). I took most of the photos down but I thought it sent a nice message to DS to reinforce the fact that there is no hate here. I also have photos of my ex-h in DS's room (photo booth strip type things).

It really doesn't bother me to have a couple of photos in the common rooms of our house.

I can look past all things related to our divorce through the lens of what would make it easier for DS and when I say easier, I mean forever. Even when he graduates high school and goes off to college. His father is still his father. The photos will still be there.

Ex-h has photos of me in DS's room at his house, too.


I already commented on the other thread regarding moving from house to house, I dont need to repeat my thoughts on that here other than to say, everyones experience is different.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2020 16:25     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DD had a friend whose parents divorced & they a)kept the family home & b)got a condo relatively nearby (also in DMV). Then the parents, not the child, rotated. So the parents had to live out of a bag, not their DD. I think it was big of the adults to do this.

I am also a child of divorce, although my parents didn't split until I was in college. I cannot agree enough with PPs that it would help tremendously if the adults involved could be present in the same space without acrimony so that all future events (graduations, marriages, etc.) were not fraught with tension. One of my best friends splits 50:50 custody with her ex of their 16yo DC & they have worked so hard to become amicable. I am so proud of her/them. They will likely know I'm talking about them here bz it's such a telling detail, but they all (exes + new spouses + DC) attend trivia nights together as a team. +1000 for this couple, who are definitely doing this for the kids (it took awhile, but nobody wanted to live with bitterness).


OP here. We have talked about us rotating in and out for the sake of the kids. I worry a lot about how soon to be ex would respect and maintain mutual shared space. One of my concerns would be that whichever parent is in the family home with the kids has to take time away from the kids for cleaning/laundry/grocery shopping etc. I know that is real life for any parent but I hate that bc my ex decided to split, I only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'd like that time I do get with them to be focused on them, not on cleaning and shopping or potentially reversing anything he may not have attended to while with them.


It's up to you in the end, but I kind of disagree that you should do this. I'd trust your gut here - you already know how he runs things from being married to him. Your husband unilaterally ended the marriage and now seems to want you to sacrifice an awful lot for his decision. I'm not advocating that you become acrimonious towards each other, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself a little bit. You have a lot of healing to do.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2020 15:06     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Don't separate and then introduce a new 'Mommy figure' to your child 5 months afterwards.
This was me at 8 years old. Dad met someone 5 months after Mom cheated. He thought this new woman was a better influence and really pushed this relationship on us. It was too much. I went along with it for his sake but I do feel bitter now.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 22:08     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Put the photos in a box, but don’t throw them out. They’re really painful to look at right now, but they are your children’s first few years of life, and you’ll want those memories later (maybe not to hang, but to pass on and reminisce over).
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 22:02     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
I’m not a child of divorce but a divorced woman with an older teenager. We did 50/50 one week on, one week off until the kids were driving. Once they started driving we let them pick where to be. My ex moved about 20 minutes away and the kids are with me about 80% of the time now. We are amicable but the kids lives are in the neighborhood with their friends and activities and even 20 minutes away is a 40 minute round trip. Something for any divorced parent to consider.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 19:44     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

You are very wrong. Plus logistically speaking divorced parents are not always able to remain within a 10 min drive from each other. 50/50 custody is not always possible when one parent gets relocated for work or various other life situations.


No, I am not. My husband has several kids. It was completely pointless especially when its so easy for mom to deny visits. Dad becomes a child support check. If a parent moves away with a child, the other parent should get all summer and every holiday. If the reality is the one parent rarely or never sees the child, the rights should be terminated and the custodial parent should be 100% responsible. We got sued by someone after one of the kids did something really stupid. The judge threw out the part of suing us but went after mom as she had custody but it was a huge mess and cost us a lot of money. Mom refused visits and Dad was a child support check as the courts would not uphold visitation.


Funny, I think someone who advocates for terminating parental rights/relationship if a certain quota of quality time hasn’t been met is a horrible human being.

For everyone’s sake I hope you do not have children of your own.

You are the definition of an evil stepmother. And I do mean evil because there is no other word to describe someone who wishes that her husband would give up parental rights to his children - all so you can save a few hundred a month on child support? I can’t even.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 19:31     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.


+1. Our schedule was 2 days, 2 days, 5 days, 5 days and it SUCKED. My friends' parents would even comment to me that it was so hard to try to make playdates with me because of my schedule. That's a lot for an 8 year old.

I'll also agree with the unpopular opinion on remarriage.

Don't use your kid as your therapist.

Don't point out things you dislike about your ex and then identify that trait in your child. To their face.

Put them away, but keep the photos. I'm always intrigued to look at them and think that, once upon a time, my parents could be in the same room and smiling.


How hard is it for the other parent to forward the email saying Larla is being asked for a play date. This is your day so please coordinate or decline.

As a stepparent if I have both addresses, I sent things like invitations to both parents since many would not work together.

Parenting with a every other weekend and 6 weeks summer is pointless. That's your favorite uncle situation, not a parent. At that point, just terminate the parents rights so everyone can move on.


You are very wrong. Plus logistically speaking divorced parents are not always able to remain within a 10 min drive from each other. 50/50 custody is not always possible when one parent gets relocated for work or various other life situations.


No, I am not. My husband has several kids. It was completely pointless especially when its so easy for mom to deny visits. Dad becomes a child support check. If a parent moves away with a child, the other parent should get all summer and every holiday. If the reality is the one parent rarely or never sees the child, the rights should be terminated and the custodial parent should be 100% responsible. We got sued by someone after one of the kids did something really stupid. The judge threw out the part of suing us but went after mom as she had custody but it was a huge mess and cost us a lot of money. Mom refused visits and Dad was a child support check as the courts would not uphold visitation.


I had an every other weekend situation with my dad and the idea that I'd have been better off with nothing is insulting and cruel. You're a step parent not a child of divorce so dont speak about that which you do not know.

You sound cold. You can have a robust relationship with your kids with limited visitation. I know because I had it. My dad called me all the time and we lived by a mantra of quality not quantity.

Seriously do not apply your bitter experience as a stepparent to try to encourage parental alienation. If you convince even one parent that this is true that results in a loving parent being alienated you will have done a terrible thing and literally made a person's entire life lesser.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 19:28     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

M

Agree. You don’t often hear about children of divorce saying how great spitting homes is. Yet people keep pushing that on here.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 19:03     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have talked about us rotating in and out for the sake of the kids. I worry a lot about how soon to be ex would respect and maintain mutual shared space. One of my concerns would be that whichever parent is in the family home with the kids has to take time away from the kids for cleaning/laundry/grocery shopping etc. I know that is real life for any parent but I hate that bc my ex decided to split, I only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'd like that time I do get with them to be focused on them, not on cleaning and shopping or potentially reversing anything he may not have attended to while with them.


That's a real concern, OP. I wonder if it could be written out in an agreement, that if certain baseline tasks weren't done (like in a VRBO agreement) then the offending parent has to pony up for a) cleaning people b) food delivery or c) grocery costs? It would be challenging to navigate, agreed.


Yes, great suggestion. That would be one way to keep accountability should we go down that path.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 18:33     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have talked about us rotating in and out for the sake of the kids. I worry a lot about how soon to be ex would respect and maintain mutual shared space. One of my concerns would be that whichever parent is in the family home with the kids has to take time away from the kids for cleaning/laundry/grocery shopping etc. I know that is real life for any parent but I hate that bc my ex decided to split, I only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'd like that time I do get with them to be focused on them, not on cleaning and shopping or potentially reversing anything he may not have attended to while with them.


That's a real concern, OP. I wonder if it could be written out in an agreement, that if certain baseline tasks weren't done (like in a VRBO agreement) then the offending parent has to pony up for a) cleaning people b) food delivery or c) grocery costs? It would be challenging to navigate, agreed.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2019 18:26     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were young-
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.


+1. Our schedule was 2 days, 2 days, 5 days, 5 days and it SUCKED. My friends' parents would even comment to me that it was so hard to try to make playdates with me because of my schedule. That's a lot for an 8 year old.

I'll also agree with the unpopular opinion on remarriage.

Don't use your kid as your therapist.

Don't point out things you dislike about your ex and then identify that trait in your child. To their face.

Put them away, but keep the photos. I'm always intrigued to look at them and think that, once upon a time, my parents could be in the same room and smiling.


How hard is it for the other parent to forward the email saying Larla is being asked for a play date. This is your day so please coordinate or decline.

As a stepparent if I have both addresses, I sent things like invitations to both parents since many would not work together.

Parenting with a every other weekend and 6 weeks summer is pointless. That's your favorite uncle situation, not a parent. At that point, just terminate the parents rights so everyone can move on.


You are very wrong. Plus logistically speaking divorced parents are not always able to remain within a 10 min drive from each other. 50/50 custody is not always possible when one parent gets relocated for work or various other life situations.


No, I am not. My husband has several kids. It was completely pointless especially when its so easy for mom to deny visits. Dad becomes a child support check. If a parent moves away with a child, the other parent should get all summer and every holiday. If the reality is the one parent rarely or never sees the child, the rights should be terminated and the custodial parent should be 100% responsible. We got sued by someone after one of the kids did something really stupid. The judge threw out the part of suing us but went after mom as she had custody but it was a huge mess and cost us a lot of money. Mom refused visits and Dad was a child support check as the courts would not uphold visitation.


I had an every other weekend situation with my dad and the idea that I'd have been better off with nothing is insulting and cruel. You're a step parent not a child of divorce so dont speak about that which you do not know.

You sound cold. You can have a robust relationship with your kids with limited visitation. I know because I had it. My dad called me all the time and we lived by a mantra of quality not quantity.

Seriously do not apply your bitter experience as a stepparent to try to encourage parental alienation. If you convince even one parent that this is true that results in a loving parent being alienated you will have done a terrible thing and literally made a person's entire life lesser.