Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 09:13     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
“Hocom ask?” Speak like an adult. You sound ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 09:12     Subject: Re:How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Does your daughter know another person who might be interested in going to the dance with this boy? She could say, “I am going with someone else to the dance, but I know Mary Sue doesn’t have a date yet. You should check with her.”
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 08:56     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:She is a senior!! Why are you doing this for her?


OP is not doing it for her. She asking advice on how to coach her daughter who finds herself in a new social realm. It's great that her daughter would go to her for advice because sometimes peers give terrible advice. I wish I had had a parent who I felt like I could talk to about stuff like this. I was a shy ugly duckling who suddenly became quite striking in middle and high school. I got lots of attention from boys and had no idea how to handle it. Some of them were jerks, but some of them were brave souls who had to suffer through my inept ways.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 08:52     Subject: Re:How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:If they are friends at school, DD can says, "I have another plan but I will see you at the dance."


Sorry, but no. That makes it sound like she is arriving with other people but willing to hang out with him at the dance. She has another date. This response would be stringing him along.

Kids this age are all new to this so she just needs to be clear: Thank you for asking me but I've made other plans for the dance. or Thank you for asking but I'm going with someone else.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 08:28     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.


There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?


I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.


Just read this and want to thank the PP for allowing me a good laugh to start my day!
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 08:09     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
This is not hard, people. She doesn't "Owe" him an explanation, I agree. But it is the kind thing to say:

"Thank you for the invitation. I appreciate you thinking to ask me. But I have other plans." Or some version of that.

It takes a lot of nerve to ask someone out and he clearly likes her on some level as he's asked before. It takes very little to be kind. If he persists -and we don't know that he will- then she can be more blunt.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 08:06     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.


There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?


This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.


I bet your kids are bullies. If she told him she’s going with someone else he obviously won’t ask her again. It’s just a nicer way of letting someone down.


This was my thought. Normal kids/people know when to say when and move on. I wonder about the posters who defend really pushy, persistent people who don't know when to back off. Clearly the app does not fall far from the tree.


What are you babbling about with this gross overreaction?
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 06:18     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.


There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?


I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.


Oh Jesus, pipe down.


This.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 05:23     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:My daughter was asked to home coming by a boy she is not interested in going with.

Two years ago he asked her and she honestly said as a sophomore she was just going with her group of girlfriends. Now she's a senior and everyone is pairing up and he asked her again. She told him she would think about it because she did not know how to kindly decline.

Can you help me provide her with some words to say no. She has to do it today because the boy she was interested in going with asked her last night


If she has a date already she can just say that, but it could give the impression of false hope.

I think the kindest way is to say thank you but I can't and tell him she's not interested in him the way he appears to be interested in her. Hopefully he can accept that, but you might prepare her for him being rude.

I feel bad for the guy, but your daughter is not obligated to like him.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2019 05:02     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
She is a senior!! Why are you doing this for her?
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2019 23:05     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.


There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?


I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.


Oh Jesus, pipe down.


+100
Honestly, there’s always someone just *looking* for a problem where none exists. People like the PP are constantly on the offensive and it’s absurd.

OP, I agree with the posters who suggested nicely telling him she had already been asked by someone else and didn’t quite know how to tell him. But if there’s a similar situation again, she should be straightforward and kind immediately by saying thank you so much for the invitation, but (insert excuse). The most important thing is to be kind. It’s SO hard for boys to put it all out there and then get rejected, no matter how kindly.


IMO, considering “no thank you” an impolite response and demanding an excuse is looking for a problem. I’m sure it’s hard for boys to put themselves out there, but just because they ask doesn’t mean they’re owed anything more than a yes or no. If they don’t want to take the risk of hearing no, they can ask someone they know better. This boy isn’t even friends with OP’s DD or her friends, and she’s already told him no once before.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2019 22:03     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:Next time she should politely turn him down right away. Saying “I’ll think about it” only drags it out and makes it more awkward.

Or was he her fallback plan?


OP here. I totally agree that her response of " I'll think about it" and then not telling him for several days just made answering him even worse. She's a shy girl and only dated a boy for a week plus she doesn't think very quickly on her feet.

As far as I know my daughter does not consider him a friend. They see each other occasionally at sports practice. He is not friends with her friends and she is not friends with his friends.

I want her to a decline nicely immediately as it is very hard for boys to put themselves out there.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2019 21:04     Subject: Re:How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:It has all been said but two things to add.

My opinion: I think saying, “no thanks I already have plans, but I appreciate the invitation” is a kind response and avoids the poster’s concern about “teaching men to respect women as men’s property” (which I think is an extreme way to view a dance invite but whatever I guess I understand it).

My advice: Make sure she has alternate plans in place, or else she could decline this boy and then find out her other tenative date asked someone else in the meanwhile. Spoken from experience at my own hs homecoming!


I realize this isn’t very nice, but I almost hope that happened. If someone asks, it’s rude not to give an answer right away. If I asked someone and they said, “let me think about it,” I’d move on and not wait around for them to “decide” (or make me their backup plan). I’m a woman, btw, and would totally understand a boy moving on after receiving a non-committal answer.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2019 20:57     Subject: How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
Anonymous wrote:I think he already knows there is little chance she would say yes. If she had other plans, she would have just said that. If she wanted to go with him, she would have said yes. Short and sweet..no big deal Will thanks for the invite but I have other plans. She should do it as soon as possible so he can regroup with someone else if he wants.


This. Next time, do it immediately and be kind and friendly.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2019 19:59     Subject: Re:How to kindly turn down hocom ask?
It has all been said but two things to add.

My opinion: I think saying, “no thanks I already have plans, but I appreciate the invitation” is a kind response and avoids the poster’s concern about “teaching men to respect women as men’s property” (which I think is an extreme way to view a dance invite but whatever I guess I understand it).

My advice: Make sure she has alternate plans in place, or else she could decline this boy and then find out her other tenative date asked someone else in the meanwhile. Spoken from experience at my own hs homecoming!